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The Bold Font By TDOG422 (Chapters 3-4) - DarkFuture_Clan_

Posted Jul 10, '12 at 10:19pm

TDOG422

TDOG422

528 posts

Chapter 3 - Jenny

"Grab something and go!" Brandon commanded. "Hey, remember DayZ?" Derek asked after a few seconds. Brandon looked at Derek and smiled. "Did you see many people D?" Alex asked. "Not really. And it seemed like all the shops were closed and all the streets only had like five other people. Should have realized sooner." Derek said with a slightly sad look on his face. "It's not your fault that there's a zombie outbreak. But who-" Jorden paused. "We'll get there when it comes to us." Kate said. She had always said that. Everybody thought it meant she was lazy. But the group knew it meant "It will come to you, as you come to it." After everybody had gotten what they could carry, Brandon led them outside. He said "We should probably try to scavenge some stores. Lets go to that one small liquor store Amy worked at." They nodded and started running. The store was only down the street so they didn't need to walk. Running was a good idea. If they hadn't run, they would have died. They saw the building, but Kate felt something. She turned around and her surprised and quick movements made the rest of the group turn also. They turned to a girl their age, right behind them, pointing her gun at them. They turned and she put her hands up. She said "Don't shoot!" They opened up a space for her to walk with the group. Alex asked "What are you doing?" She responded saying "Same thing you are, I assume." She asked where they were going. Brandon said "That building over there. We're trying to find things that we can actually use. How did you find out about this?" Brandon asked. She responded saying "I was on this street. I saw a man rummaging through a dumpster. But then I saw what it really was." The girl seemed calm. She didn't seem to be someone who would backstab anybody, but she was capable. "What's your name?" Jorden asked. "Jennifer" she responded. Walking the rest of the way to the store, Alex started a conversation. "Are you a one person group?" She said yes. "My dad had a pistol in his room. that's were I got the gun. It wasn't a secret. He had it for protection." "If anybody tries to break in or something?" Kate asked. "No" she responded. "If someone tries to hurt me." They got to the store and saw the open door. They went in, but slowly. It was a relatively small store, a few aisles, some freezers in the back and on the sides, and a checkout. Surprisingly, none of the stuff was gone. The whole store was full. "Guess this is a lucky day!" Brandon said. "Only get a few things. We'll bring them back to my place. J, you have a place to go?" Jenny said no. "You want to bunk at my place? We're all going to stay at my house. Big place. It's a zombie apocalypse survivor's favorite place if they don't have anywhere better to go." Brandon said. "Sounds welcoming. Sure!" They got their stuff and walked outside. "This should be good for now. Lets go!" Brandon said. They walked out and headed back to their base.

Chapter 4 - Getting Familiar

They got back with no problems. "Nothing tried to kill us on our way back? I guess today IS a lucky day!" Alex proclaimed. They went inside and put the stuff on Brandon's bed then sat down on the floor. "So what do we do now?" Jorden asked. "Improvise" Jenny responded. "Lets find stuff in here that we can use or turn into something." "Ok, but not now, we have to introduce ourselves. Jenny, I'm Brandon." Then he pointed to each person respectively. "This is Kate, my girlfriend, this is Derek, Jorden, Derek's girlfriend, and alexâ¦he's single. "Let's do something else!" Alex quickly proclaimed. "How about Truth or Dare" Jenny suggested. "Alright, Jorden, truth or dare?" Brandon asked. "Mmmâ¦truth." She replied. "Ok, how aboutâ¦how many crushes have you had before Derek?" Kate snickered at Brandon's question. "Crushes? Two." Jorden responded. "Aww, I wanted something I could hold over your head!" Derek joked. "Oh, but now I have a reason to break up with you!" Jorden quickly cameback. "Ok, ok! Alex, truth or dare?" Kate asked. "Dare!" Alex almost automatically said. Kate laughed. "Oh no." Alex unhappily said. "Alex, I dare you to jump into Brandon's pool with ice in your pants." Kate excitedly said. "Really!? Uhh, fine." He got the ice, put it down his pants, then jumped into the pool. They all laughed like there was no tomorrow. "Come in, the water's cold! Nobody? Fine!" He got out, and pushed them all into the pool. Good thing they still all had their phones in Brandon's room. Alex jumped back in and they all swam for a while then got out and went back to Brandon's room. "Alright, lets get back to this. Brandon, truth or dare." Jenny asked. "Truth." Brandon responded. "Alrightâ¦would you trade Kate for Megan Fox?" Jenny said. "Well, she's not shy!" Brandon proclaimed. They all lightly laughed for a second. "Ummâ&brvbarrobably not!" Brandon answered. "Ya, sure!" Kate said. "Hey! It's not called lie or dare, is it?" Brandon said. They all got to know each other for a while, then ate and went to sleep.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Hey, guys! This was fun! This area in every part is just gonna be really boring...RAWR. Next chapters are going to coming out probably somewhere in late august. Stay tuned...or...keep watching...or...just come back next time or I will eat you! And jut to remind you: RAWR.

 

Posted Jul 11, '12 at 12:08pm

devin4444

devin4444

81 posts

thanks much better

 

Posted Jul 11, '12 at 12:23pm

devin4444

devin4444

81 posts

Thanks much better

 

Posted Jul 11, '12 at 1:23pm

TDOG422

TDOG422

528 posts

No Preblomee!

 

Posted Jul 11, '12 at 9:58pm

acmed

acmed

3,561 posts

Hm. I'm still a bit confused. Why are they frolicking around and not giving a crap a zombie apocalypse is occurring? I think you need to slow down on the action a bit, and give some time to tell the reader what's happening.

 

Posted Jul 11, '12 at 10:35pm

TDOG422

TDOG422

528 posts

Dude! Did you even read it!?! It even says that they're in his house! And what action!?! Im keeping action for later! Were did you see action!?! Don't just read 2 sentences before you say anything! Such a little immature kid!

 

Posted Jul 12, '12 at 11:08am

acmed

acmed

3,561 posts

Dude! Did you even read it!?! It even says that they're in his house! And what action!?! Im keeping action for later! Were did you see action!?! Don't just read 2 sentences before you say anything! Such a little immature kid!


Immature kid? Action doesn't mean guns and fights, I mean just doing things alone (walking to the store, finding the girl, etc). I'm just saying that the story could use some explanation on WHY the zombie outbreak is happening. Maybe showing them realistic EMOTION instead of playing truth or dare. I'm giving my criticism to you, and if you can't take it, don't post it publicly. You're not gonna get, 11/10 or 5 star ratings by everybody.
 

Posted Jul 12, '12 at 3:25pm

GavinRox

GavinRox

50 posts

"Grab something and go!" Brandon commanded. "Hey, remember DayZ?" Derek asked after a few seconds. Brandon looked at Derek and smiled. "Did you see many people D?" Alex asked. "Not really. And it seemed like all the shops were closed and all the streets only had like five other people. Should have realized sooner." Derek said with a slightly sad look on his face. "It's not your fault that there's a zombie outbreak. But who-" Jorden paused. "We'll get there when it comes to us." Kate said. She had always said that. Everybody thought it meant she was lazy. But the group knew it meant "It will come to you, as you come to it." After everybody had gotten what they could carry, Brandon led them outside. He said "We should probably try to scavenge some stores. Lets go to that one small liquor store Amy worked at." They nodded and started running. The store was only down the street so they didn't need to walk. Running was a good idea. If they hadn't run, they would have died. They saw the building, but Kate felt something. She turned around and her surprised and quick movements made the rest of the group turn also. They turned to a girl their age, right behind them, pointing her gun at them. They turned and she put her hands up. She said "Don't shoot!" They opened up a space for her to walk with the group. Alex asked "What are you doing?" She responded saying "Same thing you are, I assume." She asked where they were going. Brandon said "That building over there. We're trying to find things that we can actually use. How did you find out about this?" Brandon asked. She responded saying "I was on this street. I saw a man rummaging through a dumpster. But then I saw what it really was." The girl seemed calm. She didn't seem to be someone who would backstab anybody, but she was capable. "What's your name?" Jorden asked. "Jennifer" she responded. Walking the rest of the way to the store, Alex started a conversation. "Are you a one person group?" She said yes. "My dad had a pistol in his room. that's were I got the gun. It wasn't a secret. He had it for protection." "If anybody tries to break in or something?" Kate asked. "No" she responded. "If someone tries to hurt me." They got to the store and saw the open door. They went in, but slowly. It was a relatively small store, a few aisles, some freezers in the back and on the sides, and a checkout. Surprisingly, none of the stuff was gone. The whole store was full. "Guess this is a lucky day!" Brandon said. "Only get a few things. We'll bring them back to my place. J, you have a place to go?" Jenny said no. "You want to bunk at my place? We're all going to stay at my house. Big place. It's a zombie apocalypse survivor's favorite place if they don't have anywhere better to go." Brandon said. "Sounds welcoming. Sure!" They got their stuff and walked outside. "This should be good for now. Lets go!" Brandon said. They walked out and headed back to their base.
Chapter 4 - Getting Familiar
They got back with no problems. "Nothing tried to kill us on our way back? I guess today IS a lucky day!" Alex proclaimed. They went inside and put the stuff on Brandon's bed then sat down on the floor. "So what do we do now?" Jorden asked. "Improvise" Jenny responded. "Lets find stuff in here that we can use or turn into something." "Ok, but not now, we have to introduce ourselves. Jenny, I'm Brandon." Then he pointed to each person respectively. "This is Kate, my girlfriend, this is Derek, Jorden, Derek's girlfriend, and alexâ¦he's single. "Let's do something else!" Alex quickly proclaimed. "How about Truth or Dare" Jenny suggested. "Alright, Jorden, truth or dare?" Brandon asked. "Mmmâ¦truth." She replied. "Ok, how aboutâ¦how many crushes have you had before Derek?" Kate snickered at Brandon's question. "Crushes? Two." Jorden responded. "Aww, I wanted something I could hold over your head!" Derek joked. "Oh, but now I have a reason to break up with you!" Jorden quickly cameback. "Ok, ok! Alex, truth or dare?" Kate asked. "Dare!" Alex almost automatically said. Kate laughed. "Oh no." Alex unhappily said. "Alex, I dare you to jump into Brandon's pool with ice in your pants." Kate excitedly said. "Really!? Uhh, fine." He got the ice, put it down his pants, then jumped into the pool. They all laughed like there was no tomorrow. "Come in, the water's cold! Nobody? Fine!" He got out, and pushed them all into the pool. Good thing they still all had their phones in Brandon's room. Alex jumped back in and they all swam for a while then got out and went back to Brandon's room. "Alright, lets get back to this. Brandon, truth or dare." Jenny asked. "Truth." Brandon responded. "Alrightâ¦would you trade Kate for Megan Fox?" Jenny said. "Well, she's not shy!" Brandon proclaimed. They all lightly laughed for a second. "Ummâ&brvbarrobably not!" Brandon answered. "Ya, sure!" Kate said. "Hey! It's not called lie or dare, is it?" Brandon said. They all got to know each other for a while, then ate and went to sleep.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Hey, guys! This was fun! This area in every part is just gonna be really boring...RAWR. Next chapters are going to coming out probably somewhere in late august. Stay tuned...or...keep watching...or...just come back next time or I will eat you! And jut to remind you: RAWR.

 

Posted Jul 12, '12 at 11:17pm

TDOG422

TDOG422

528 posts

@acmed
...I know action isn't all guns and stuff...but walking into a store insn't really action...and not telling about the outbreak until later ISNT AGAINST THE LAW! HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A SHOW OR SOMETHING WHERE THEY DONT TELL ABOUT SOMETHING UNTILL LATER!?! THEY DO THAT ALL THE TIME! AND I HAD THEM PLAYING TRUTH OR DARE BECAUSE THEY WHERE "GETTING FAMILIAR"! AND WHEN DID I SAY THAT I COULDN'T HANDLE THE FEEDBACK!?! I ALSO KNOW THAT NOT EVERYBODY IS GOING TO LIKE IT, BUT YOU DONT EVEN READ OR UNDERSTAND THE STORY! SEE WHAT I MEAN!?! immature little kid.

@GavinRox
...um...

 

Posted Jul 13, '12 at 1:36am

Santi_

Santi_

2,420 posts

...I know action isn't all guns and stuff...but walking into a store insn't really action...and not telling about the outbreak until later ISNT AGAINST THE LAW! HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A SHOW OR SOMETHING WHERE THEY DONT TELL ABOUT SOMETHING UNTILL LATER!?! THEY DO THAT ALL THE TIME! AND I HAD THEM PLAYING TRUTH OR DARE BECAUSE THEY WHERE "GETTING FAMILIAR"! AND WHEN DID I SAY THAT I COULDN'T HANDLE THE FEEDBACK!?! I ALSO KNOW THAT NOT EVERYBODY IS GOING TO LIKE IT, BUT YOU DONT EVEN READ OR UNDERSTAND THE STORY! SEE WHAT I MEAN!?! immature little kid.


Listen, he was giving his opinion. You didn't have to take it, and what one person thinks doesn't really matter.
Though it would be nice just to see them actually have some real moments together, other than jst saying they played a game and got to know each other.
That doesn't give the reader much information, or anything to grasp.
What I'm trying to say is plot development.
Once again, this is just some input, take it or leave it, it's just an opinion.
 
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