Posted Aug 29, '12 at 12:20pm
"Link...Link... LINK!" I hear my name being called, rousing me from my sleep.
Grumbling, I slowly sit up and look at my old beardy uncle, "Whadowant" I slur, barley conscious. Then I notice the look of horror in his eyes.
I immediately start moving. I dress and arm myself with my sword and shield.
"Link, go to the Rangers' Outpost and await me there. DO NOT LEAVE! The King has gone missing, and they are blaming us. I hear the jangling of armor, you must GO NOW!" He says, dragging me to my feet. He goes to door, "****! We are too late. Change of plans, I shall go, you must stay here. Await my return. Then we shall flee." He whispers. He leaves our small house.
That was the last time I ever saw him again.
For three hours I waited at our little hut. It was about midway during the fourth when I couldn't feel him anymore. It is one of many abilities Elves have, along with access to magic, we can 'track' a persons body.
I walk to the door and peer out over the short cliff which our house sits upon. I can just barely see the towers of Castle Northhaven. I can hear the knights patrolling the roads. There are more than twice the usual patrol. Peering out the door again, I leave my hut, venturing out into this dark night.
It takes me around a half hour to walk from my house to the Crossroads, and another half hour to the woods from there. It is nearly dawn by the time I arrive.
Walking in, I know something is wrong. I cannot any any animals scurrying, and the Rangers' Outpost is unlit. I walk for almost an hour when I come upon a gruesome sight. Thirteen Rangers dead, many missing body parts. I shudder at the thought of something powerful enough to kill a Ranger. They train their entire lives, and anything that can slaughter them as brutally as they are is unnaturally strong. The whole situation reeks of a magic of the darkest form.
I burn the bodies, as per both Elven and Ranger tradition, and carry on towards the Outpost, expecting the worst and hoping for the best.
I soon arrive. As I open the old oak doors, I immediately smell something, like cooking meat, but I cannot see a fire.
I call out,"Hello, Ranger Mathas is that you?" I take a step forward.
A blanket is pushed aside, and out walks a burly young man, with a bright red beard and a torch. His eyes crinkle as he sees me.
"Link Elfsson. How long has it been since Midsummers' Eve?" He says with a tired laugh.
"Too long. I come with bad tidings. Thirteen of your number slain an hours walk from the forest gate. I blessed the site and burned the bodies. I'm so sorry Roark." I say, bowing my head in remembrance of the great men and women.
"Aye, I barely escaped the thing." He says, shaking his head as he does.
"Did you get a good look at it?" I ask, my eyes lighting up. If I have an idea as to what it looks like, I may be able to track it.
"That, old fiend, is what I was hoping to talk to you about. One of your kin it was. The demon had the pointed ears and sharp face of an elf." He says, looking me in the eye.
"You dare accuse me of murdering your men. I am an elf, and so I cannot lie, I did not kill your men. What ever it was, it was not one of my kin, for all of my brethren have sworn never to kill an innocent soul, and your men are the purest I've seen." I say, voice rising in defense. I see him immediately relax.
"I'm sorry, Link. I had forgotten about your oaths in my anger and pain. You were simply the closest I could get to an identity. Now, sit and eat with me, you have traveled far, and you must rest. I shall gather my men tomorrow morning." He says, guiding me to the small cook-fire.
We eat and talk for the next few hours. Then we sleep. The next morning, he sounds the Rangers' Call.
It takes 3 three hours for all the remaining Rangers to gather. Of the original 100, only 57 remain. I begin to question them on what they saw and what hear is oddly familiar.
The unanimous agreement is that of an elf, with green hair and gold eyes. All of the elves of Northhaven are either pure black or albino. Those of Green and Gold are from the Forest of Tairnor.
The Elves of Tairnor are dark creatures. Known as "Day Eaters" they are practitioners of magic most evil. They are the fastest, strongest, and most magically powerfull off all the elves. Their goal is to bring about the rise of the Dark One, their "god". They make elvish sacrifices, mutilating the bodies and them offering them to their god. But what is worse, is they do not obey the laws set by the first king. The Tairnor elves wish to summon him so he can end the earth and create one of his own where he can rule in darkness. There is an old prophesy that says, "When one of all is taken, the Dark One shall arise again." The thing is, the Dark One isn't real. There are no gods that we know of.
I soon headed out for the Forest of Tairnor.
End Of chapter One
"I can't go on some crazy suicidal mission to kill the thing that killed the rangers with seeing her one last time.." I say to Ryor, my Rithit.
"Do you think that's a smart thing to do." The 2-foot dragon says in reply.
"But I need to see her one last time, I need to tell her how I feel, regardless of Dirth." I say to him.
A Rithit is a small magical dragon. They bond with an elf at birth. They are essentially an elfs best friend, they stay with you for life. If one dies, the other dies, if one falls in love, the other usually falls in love, too. If it wasn't for Ryor, I'd have never made it past my my first Midsummer.
"You're going to you butt kicked by Dirth." Says Ryor, now flying loops around me as I walk to the west, towards Elfhaven.
"I don't care! I am going to die anyway! I love Otharu, and I'm going to tell her." I say.
Otharu is... everything to me. I've been in love with her since I was 7. She has no idea because she's always had eyes for Dirth. Dirth is the mirror opposite of me. He's handsome, charming, smooth, brave and a complete and utter jerk, he's also big and stupid.
It takes around 3 hours to get to Elfhaven from the Ranger's Outpost. Once in, I immediately go to Otharu's tree.
"Otharu, I need to talk to you." I say, scaring her from her book.
"LINCOLN!" She screams, happy to see me. She runs up and hugs me, but I push her off.
I take a deep breath, squeeze my eyes shut and say,"I love you and I've been in love with you since we were seven. I should have told you but you had a thing with Dirth and I didn't want to get my butt kicked. And then I moved so my uncle could work. And I'm boring you so I'm just going to leave. I'm going to Tairnor to try and kill as Day Eaters as I can. I love you, bye."
I run, knowing she's going to reject me, I run like the coward I am. And because if I look back, I'll never make it there. I slow my pace once I'm deep enough into the woods that even if I do look back, I can't see her. I sit and lean my head my back. I haven't felt this tired in my life.
End of Chapter Two
Posted Aug 29, '12 at 6:49pm
Pretty good. Well written, for the most part. I did notice a few things though.
First off, just a bit of background would be nice. I like how you throw us into the story, but I mostly found myself confused when I was reading it. One problem with suddenly throwing the reader into action is that the reader has no connection to the story. I found myself not really caring about what happens to the protagonist or his acquaintances. Getting the reader hooked from the start is key, but you can do that without being confusing.
Secondly, it would be nice to stray from fantasy cliches and stereotypes. The evil empire, the prophecy, and the 'dark lord' are all pretty typical for stories like yours. Having those elements are definitely not bad, but you need something that makes your story unique. Something that sets you apart from everyone else. I did notice some original parts and tid-bits, but having that originality uniqueness is key.
I hope you don't think I'm to harsh. I love writing and it sucks when you hear criticism. But keep at it! It has A LOT of potential if you work out the kinks. Maybe next time give us a reason to care about the main character, don't throw so much at us at once, and give your story a bit of paz-azz. Otherwise you're a great writer! I hope to see more from you :)
Posted Aug 29, '12 at 7:23pm
The prophecy isn't really anything, and it's not the empire that's evil, its Northhaven and the elves of Tairnor that are evil. And thank you for the criticism. I've been waiting for it. The whole thing with the empire and the missing king goes way deeper.
Posted Aug 29, '12 at 9:36pm
Glad to hear it :) And sorry if I misinterpreted you. I'd really like to see how this all pans out.
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