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Official Poetry Contests - Theme: Quest (due September 24)

Posted Feb 27, '14 at 10:22pm

Gantic

Gantic

7,013 posts

Moderator

Please allow at least a week for the results.

The next theme will most likely be A Thin Line.

 

Posted Mar 13, '14 at 5:44am

Shoeminor

Shoeminor

59 posts

I can see it in perfect 1d,
Without the bold enlining,
A line across the horizon
That soothes my taste to the aligning.

 

Posted Apr 1, '14 at 11:07pm

Gantic

Gantic

7,013 posts

Moderator

The next theme will be In the City. The results will be posted sometime this week.

 

Posted Apr 2, '14 at 12:46am

Freakenstein

Freakenstein

8,148 posts

Moderator

AND WHERE WERE YOU

 

Posted Apr 2, '14 at 1:01am

Gantic

Gantic

7,013 posts

Moderator

Busy not pranking anyone?

 

Posted Apr 2, '14 at 4:47am

Shoeminor

Shoeminor

59 posts

Every time I sleep
it creeps me out completely
in the city now.

 

Posted Apr 6, '14 at 6:55pm

Gantic

Gantic

7,013 posts

Moderator

PART I

The pairings below are somewhat arbitrary the same things apply to both and that at least gives some comparison.

Theme: http://sashazjr.photoshelter.com/image/I0000Ij3E._m7Lzs

The story behind the image carried much more impact than the submissions. I think I was expecting too much when I was looking at the entries. Each entry covers Veterans and Death, but not being the last of a group of people you've known for a very long time and that's where the impact lies.

Decoration of Decay

Here I, decaying,
Sit decorated, waiting;
Death shrouds the triumph.

Over

Decorated, done.
Time, waiting to take control.
And I'm here- Over.

I don't think the stop-and-go nature of the construction of these two haiku necessarily work to promote the image. The stuttering construction is distracting, and if it were not or the syllable count, might as well not have been a haiku. Why is it haiku and not some other freeverse? They seem to be a collection of ideas rather than a concise coherent poem of ideas and/or images in a meaningful juxtaposition.

Washed in Time

They fell from lead rounds,
shedding their blood for country.
Now they fall to time.

Theme: none

Either Way

Soldiers die in war.
The war comes to an end.
Soldier dies alone.

I'm not getting much more than what is presented. Soldiers die of being shot. Veterans die of old age. The contrast of falling to bullets and falling to time is there, but it just conveys everybody dies, so why the point of soldiers? What is this trying to say beyond what is already there?

I return
_____________________________
I was gone for long.
But alas I have returned.
To stay till the end.
_____________________________

The periods here are inappropriate because this is just one sentence that applies to one person.

Theme: Weary

I sit here alone
exhausted from the iron,
until tomorrow.

Meaningless effort?
What do I look forward to
When I'm scared restless?

Sleep is a wonderful thing and tomorrow a new day, even if every day from one day to the next is the same. These two do well in capturing an inescapable weariness, one from work and one from fear. However, for both haiku, I don't think the first lines add as much to the overall haiku. They do add some flavor, but the haikus still seem bottom heavy. In the first one, "alone" (and "here") could be removed and the essnece would still be the same. In the second, the first line seems out of place with a statement in the form of a question starting it.

What Stage Are We On?

What stage are we on?
The progress we've made
On this unforgiving,
unrelenting,
unsatisfying,
Platform of life with which we present ourselves,
When do we stop? When do we keep going?

When do we get off this stage?
Fatigued and exhausted, yes,
But at nevertheless, we move
To move on to the next stage.
To see to the end our last performance,
Despite our tiresome, aching bodies,
This is the stage where we put our hearts and our souls.
And, at the end,
When we are cold, hungry, and weary
We smile at the thought that we've created something good,
Something worthwhile on this stage

But tell me, after that,
What stage are we on?

The idea is there, but something about this that doesn't work and I can't seem to pinpoint what exactly. Maybe, it seems too glib. The wording seems awkward in the second stanza, particularly lines three and four.

 

Posted Apr 7, '14 at 3:35am

Shoeminor

Shoeminor

59 posts

My poem?

 

Posted Apr 10, '14 at 10:09am

jmababa

jmababa

53 posts

This poem is for the General Poetry contest

City of Dreams

The City of my dreams
Is The City of Angels

I come from the north
bearing my dreams and aspirations

Bringing only myself
My pride
and my savings

Its only a dream
A dream that came from that city
My City of Dreams LA

 

Posted Apr 10, '14 at 10:16am

jmababa

jmababa

53 posts

hope you guyz like this poem its within the theme topic right on the money

 
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