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Official Poetry Contests - Theme: Clickety Clack (due July 24)

Posted May 13, '14 at 6:13pm

Gantic

Gantic

6,767 posts

Moderator

Every time I sleep
it creeps me out completely
in the city now.

This haiku is a little too unspecific. It doesn't specify why the speaker is creeped out in the city. It just tells the reader that the speaker is creeped out when sleeping in the city. There is a beauty to it though, in that one could imagine all the horrors life in the city may have to offer. Was there a break-in? mugging? something that shouldn't have been seen?

I saw
A bird flying high
Up
In the air
To see such a sight would be
Strange
Yet we ask the question,
Why?
Why do birds fly up
and we stay down
On this cold
Hard
ground?

This can apply to anywhere, not just the city. The ground is hard in many places where birds can be found, somewhere well-traveled with compacted earth or just a rocky area.  'yet' used in this context means "in spite of that", which doesn't seem to be the right word to use here.

A cold cobblestone street passes beneath my feet
Tis a wary watchful eye
The raven over me
For that which I can not
It is plain to he
To see
For that which I can not see
Is the waning sea beside me
But the sea I see is blasted and blimey
As I try to put the past behind me
I see but the see beside me
The lines are written finely
All in order and timely
But woe is me for I lack the sea
As I want of the
But I still see blindly
In the city
In the city
In the city
As I still lack the sea beside me.

I like the first line of the poem. It sets, or highlights, the tone for the rest of the poem. However, the wandering nature of the lines seems to lose the message of the poem. I can't figure what the raven has to do with it.

City of Dreams

The City of my dreams
Is The City of Angels

I come from the north
bearing my dreams and aspirations

Bringing only myself
My pride
and my savings

Its only a dream
A dream that came from that city
My City of Dreams LA

The message here is pretty clear. It's likely the speaker had dreams of becoming a celebrity in LA or at the very least, attaining dreams. The single-mindedness towards the goal is an interesting aspect.

 

Posted May 14, '14 at 1:51am

Nurvana

Nurvana

2,179 posts

Alrighty, you gotta dance with the one that brung ya, so to speak.

it annoyed me when
mom would not leave me alone
or leave the cold alone

but as the leafs fall
i wish
she hadn't

i toyed around with a middle verse for a little bit but I wanted to at least take a stab at being profound, without falling onto rhyme dependance, which destroys any semblance of rhythm and tone in my * poetry. But I didn't want to give it away too easily, so I just left it there; "hadn't" becomes what I can only describe as awkward, but I don't think it's too hard to understand.

* attempted

 

Posted May 25, '14 at 3:28am

Shoeminor

Shoeminor

58 posts

This can apply to anywhere, not just the city. The ground is hard in many places where birds can be found, somewhere well-traveled with compacted earth or just a rocky area.  'yet' used in this context means "in spite of that", which doesn't seem to be the right word to use here.

Oh,I thought that was for a theme that you said.
I thought it was "up".
:)

 

Posted May 28, '14 at 2:45pm

Gantic

Gantic

6,767 posts

Moderator

The next theme will be Summer Dreaming or Some Are Dreaming. Either way or both will work.

Full write-up on the status of this thingamabob to be expected.

 

Posted Jun 2, '14 at 11:27pm

Gantic

Gantic

6,767 posts

Moderator

Nurvana

it annoyed me when
mom would not leave me alone
or leave the cold alone

but as the leafs fall
i wish
she hadn't

The progression here is excellent, starting with a memory, a passage of time, and present thoughts. It is almost always too late to regret. Being stuck in bed sick out of your head isn't fun either. What I love about this is that the falling of leaves indicates a passing of time in different ways. It could mean approaching winter, growing older, growing weaker, or possibly growing closer to death and no longer having a parent there to look out for you. Nice job. You get a shiny.

-----
Other Notes:

From this round on, multiple merits may be awarded each round. The winner of each contest is guaranteed a merit. For there to be a winner, there must be at least three entries. Merits will also be given to all users who submit quality submissions, without regard to the number of entries. Even if you won the previous round, you may still earn a merit for the round that follows.

Quality is subjective. A little over three weeks is plenty time to to come up with an idea for a poem and polish it. Make it seamless. Make it intentional. Make it original. Make it read like ideas instead of a facsimile of words put together.

First time winners also get a shiny for their profile. Yes, a shiny! That's why this whatchamacallit is still alive. Well, it's not shiny shiny, but it's nice to look at as it's ultra-rare for now.

The current theme is Summer Dreaming/Some Are Dreaming. Take it as you will. There are no special restrictions.


last edited Jun 02 2014 11:37 pm by Gantic
 

Posted Jun 10, '14 at 3:06am

Shoeminor

Shoeminor

58 posts

Some are dreaming now
about summer dreaming,oh
How I would like to.

 

Posted Jun 27, '14 at 7:48pm

Gantic

Gantic

6,767 posts

Moderator

The next theme will most likely be Clickety Clack.

 

Posted Jun 30, '14 at 8:34am

lego12344

lego12344

11 posts

For the general contest

Sun is shining
Us in the wind
Merry, Merry summer!
Me and friends enjoying it!
End of the day, wish we could play...
Really, there's another Summer dream tomorrow!


last edited Jun 30 2014 08:35 am by lego12344
 

Posted Jul 3, '14 at 7:04pm

Gantic

Gantic

6,767 posts

Moderator

Some are dreaming now
about summer dreaming,oh
How I would like to.

There doesn't seem to be much more to this than what is there. It's all telling and no showing. There needs to be an image to show, to reinforce the theme. This is only connected to the theme because it uses the words of the theme.

@lego12344: You missed the deadline that was posted in the title.

The current theme is Clickety Clack, due July 24th.

 

Posted Jul 7, '14 at 1:20pm

samiel

samiel

293 posts

I hear him knocking at my back
Clickety clack
I hear mocking at my back
Clickety clack
I always sit here with this knack
Clickety clack
To do whats happ'ning
only that.
Clicket clack
One and more we start to stack
Clickety clack
Side to side, and front to back.
Played again like an endless track.
One more time, and I fade to black.
Clickety clack
Clickety clack.

 
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