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My Poem(s)

Posted Jan 28, '13 at 7:28pm

SeaTurtle

SeaTurtle

114 posts

Just wanted to share a poem I wrote a few days ago. I also posted this on poetfreak.com.
The Human Sea

a space once filled with life
seems filled with emptiness
when every single breathing thing
leaves for the abyss

railroad tracks run by a town
once effervesced with glee
whos inhabitants one day left
to join the human sea

behind they left an empty space
where darkness holds its court
and satan smiles upon the void
as grief and loss consort

on a train a man flies by
surveying the gloam
how sad he thinks
as he pours a drink
for this was someone’s home!

but the train flies past
the empty town
with devastating speed
carrying it’s cargo
to the vast human sea

the human sea filled with
the blood sweat and fear
but in the sea there is not found
a single human tear

for man has forgotten how to cry
and hes lost his innocence
drowned in numbing chemicals
sadness turns to sin

a man may walk upon the tracks
to reach the lonely town
but all who stray the iron path
in the sand will drown

it is this path i chose to walk
to see it for myself
overcome with desire
to catch a glimpse of hell

i set upon the iron path
with wonder in my eye
until the whistle of a train
signaled i must die

the iron horse bore down on me
the sand offering no refuge
my death
rolled down the track

in an instant the mind disappears
signaling the end

my sweat now flows to the human sea
my fears now walk with Christ
my blood now rains down upon
hell’s darkest nights

and now my empty shell rests
in the sands beside the town
where life has left
for the human sea
to drown

emptiness now fills the space
where life used to be
death grins at the living
and runs down towards the sea

 

Posted Jan 29, '13 at 2:00am

dragonball05

dragonball05

1,571 posts

Well, a very deep poem I would say. I like it. It really made me think. One thing I would say though, is that some of the stanzas don't match the paired up lines inside, usually when it's a quatrain. Some of the foot counts and meters are varied when in most of the other ones they're pretty uniform within each other. Also, I noticed this was a rhyming poem, and there were some spots it didn't where a quick fix could change it, like:

for man has forgotten how to cry
and hes lost his innocence
drowned in numbing chemicals
sadness turns to sin

Change sin to sins, and with poetic liberty, sins could rhyme with innocence.

There were a few others, including one of the quintains, but it would take a larger change for that rhyme to be fixed, and would require more of a structural change possibly.

Other than that, I loved the poem and I hope you post more. :D

 

Posted Feb 2, '13 at 7:46pm

MagicTree

MagicTree

360 posts

That was deep, really deep. Dragonball05 is right. It really made me think and was really, honestly amazing. Wow, I feel so weird inside after reading that. It's really amazing. I loved it. Keep up the great work. I'll be looking out for more!

 

Posted Feb 16, '13 at 5:58pm

Chris707

Chris707

65 posts

Death
The blackest night falls from the sky,
The darkness grows as all light dies,
We crave your heart and your demise,
By my dark hand, the dead shall rise.

 
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