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Short Story Contest

Posted Apr 19, '13 at 9:20am

Max000_Extreme

Max000_Extreme

114 posts

The he drank a cup of coffee and ate the cheese burger

 

Posted Apr 22, '13 at 9:58pm

Somewhat49

Somewhat49

1,669 posts

Is the judging actually going to happen or this thread is dead?

 

Posted Apr 23, '13 at 3:54am

EmperorPalpatine

EmperorPalpatine

9,437 posts

It should be up before the end of today.

 

Posted Apr 23, '13 at 6:30pm

StormWalker

StormWalker

6,296 posts

Hooray, thanks Emp.
Calling you Emp sounds weird.

 

Posted Apr 23, '13 at 6:34pm

Salvidian

Salvidian

4,299 posts

Yeah, it sounds like hemp.

*Stares awkwardly*

 

Posted Apr 24, '13 at 12:10am

EmperorPalpatine

EmperorPalpatine

9,437 posts

it sounds like hemp.

I should get some of that. I tend to write my best stuff while high, often from tiredness, but still.


Ample Answer
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blk2860 - Hospital

Stuff that was good: The action was quick. What was happening was detailed enough to be 'visible'.
Stuff to improve: Didn't seem to fit the theme. The plot was repetitive and deus ex machina. Are their restraints really that crappy to break twice in a row? Although the action imagery was good, add more scenery elements. You were under the word limit by 374 (although it seems like everyone other than StormWalker thought the limit was still 500, so 74 under it). Use that excess to your advantage.

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Maverick4 - Cave

Stuff that was good: The first lines really set the tone. It reminds me of Amnesia, like something you'd find in a really good custom story. The desperation is deafening.
Stuff to improve: Didn't seem to fit the theme.

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StormWalker - Words

Stuff that was good: The story actually ended with closure, at least from the main character's perspective. The word choice was extensive, yet appropriate. The imagery was good.
Stuff to improve: There didn't seem to be a lot of depth to it, nor much character development/transition. I was expecting more of a "he reads something simple that radically changes his ways/perspective/lifestyle" ending.

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BrainpanSonata - Detective

Stuff that was good: It's written believably as someone's thoughts. "Nutjob" reminds me of Billy in Predator, except he didn't win.
Stuff to improve: The line "I am honestly scared right now" seems too blatant. Make it more inferrable: "My hand began to shake, uncertain if to clench into a fist or to fall off", as that alludes to the fight or flight reaction.

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Quirinus1 - Garden

Stuff that was good: Very strong rhythm and flow. Plenty of alliteration. Lots of metaphors. More a poem than a story. To essentially end it with "bring it on" is great.
Stuff to improve: Some minor inconsistancies:"awake" should be "awaken"; although awkward, "spilled" should be "spill" to keep it all in the present; "Nor time, nor place" should be "Neither time, nor place".

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Salvidian - Message

Stuff that was good: The lack of punctuation effectively speeds up the first line. You personified the answering machine with the label "she" rather than "it", making the annoyance seem intentional, spiteful. You used lot of negatively toned words to show that the main character was in a FML stage. With the semi-cliffhanger ending, the message itself reminds me of the suitcase in Pulp Fiction: you don't know what's in it, but you know it's desirable.
Stuff to improve: Generally, numbers less than 10 (sometimes less than 20) are written out. "Pass days" should be "Past days". The line "my tools were without any form of remorse" was a bit unclear. I thought maybe he cut himself or something, considering the urgency with which he ran into the room. When sore, most would stagger like a zombie in the general direction of their goal, then flop down like a breaching whale.

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Somewhat49 - Sign

Stuff that was good: The underlying theme of "challenging the authority leads to suffering" was strong. The symbolism of the pitch black man with the friendly smile being the Satan of the story was fitting. The sign being pink was a good choice, as pink symbolizes caring and tenderness. "The sign was...looking down on him" reminded me of the billboard in The Great Gatsby, but in this case, it's nowhere near as passive of an observer.
Stuff to improve: Some sentences didn't seem to flow as well as they could have, and some were run-on. Although I'm not weighing grammatical errors against the story, there were plenty. The first line seemed unnecessary; you could've started with the dialogue and nothing would change.

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And the winner is...
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V
Quirinus1

The next theme is Winding Wind due May 3.
 

Posted Apr 24, '13 at 7:19pm

EmperorPalpatine

EmperorPalpatine

9,437 posts

I'm keeping the limit at 800 words for now.

 

Posted Apr 25, '13 at 7:14pm

StormWalker

StormWalker

6,296 posts

Okay. Yay, judgings, and I'll try to do more character stuffs if it pleases thee sir.

 

Posted May 2, '13 at 10:12pm

Somewhat49

Somewhat49

1,669 posts

Yea I couldn't really think of how to make winding wind a theme.

 

Posted May 3, '13 at 7:57am

Quirinus1

Quirinus1

158 posts

Ill try to come up with something before the deadline

 
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