ForumsArt, Music, and WritingBlade's Creative Writing

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Bladerunner679
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Bladerunner679
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around the beginning of january, I was assigned to a creative writing class in my highschool. so far, the class has proven to be one of the most fun I've ever had before, and I think some of my pieces are good enough to go onto this section. what I will do is give you the context of the assignment, and then post the piece itself. feedback isn't necessary, but you're more than welcome to post some.

this is my first assignment for this class, and the object of the piece was to describe what I did over a four day weekend. the kicker to this, however, is that I cannot use the letter "E". here's my attempt:

On a four day duration, I didn't do much. I saw two films, I did naps, cook food, and not much ancillary stuff was also in my participation. I did scrub my living spot, and got paid for it. I did work a bit at my Tom Thumb, and I also did stuff my mouth with italian food. I saw sam mattingly at film building, but not for all that long. At film land, I saw Hobbit, and Django. That was about all I did during that duration.


to clarify, sam mattingly is a friend of mine, Tom Thumb is a grocery store chain in Texas, and it wasn't meant to be coherent.

-Blade
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Bladerunner679
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Bladerunner679
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I forgot to mention, I'll add a new one on every few days.

-Blade

OperationNilo
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Nice, I'll look forward to it.

the kicker to this, however, is that I cannot use the letter "E". here's my attempt:

That's a funny class you got there, mate. I must say, I envy you.
Bladerunner679
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Bladerunner679
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I have just enough time to post another one. This assignment was done in the middle of January, and I believe was my third assignment. The teacher gave us a single quote ("give me the package"), and told us to write a short story based off of the quote. Here is my attempt:

"Give me the package," the man screeched. I wasn't in a mood to go against him seeing as how the barrel of his Uzi was making a pressure mark on my forehead. "Alright, alright. Just get that thing away from my face." I knew what was in that package he so desperately wanted, and I really wasn't going to give it to him, but it's funny how a fully loaded sub machine gun changes a person's mind with eerie efficiency. As I picked up the box, I felt the creature stir inside while I was passing it along to him. "Thanks for the service," he said while smiling that wolffish, meth-stained grin of his. He threw a was of hundreds in my face, and kicked my door open again as he left.


As always, feedback is appreciated.

-Blade
Bladerunner679
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Bladerunner679
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Oops saw my mistake. Change "was of hundreds" to "wad of hundreds".

-Blade

pickpocket
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Pretty good, especially the last one.
Although, dont doors tend to open in...? So he couldnt kick it open, unless he knocked it off it hinges.
Will these be more school assignments or of work out of school?

Bladerunner679
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For the most part, they will be from school, but I plan on continuing over the summer as well.

-Blade

pangtongshu
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On a four day duration, I didn't do much. I saw two films, I did naps, cook food, and not much ancillary stuff was also in my participation. I did scrub my living spot, and got paid for it. I did work a bit at my Tom Thumb, and I also did stuff my mouth with italian food. I saw sam mattingly at film building, but not for all that long. At film land, I saw Hobbit, and Django. That was about all I did during that duration.



*On a four day duration, I didn't do much. I did, though, watch two films, nap, and cook food; a small amount of ancillary tasks also found way into my actions, such as scrubbing my habitat, which I was paid to do so. I also did a bit of work at my local Tom Thumb, prior to stuffing my mouth with Italian food. Finally, my pal Sam Mattingly and I hung out at a film building to watch Hobbit and Django.

Something like this would allow the grammar to flow more properly

I like the second one..a good action story could be made from that. You could have, however, added a bit more to the scene..but still give it the feeling of fear/drama...have the main character basically rattle off certain key points about the situation/area he was in (was he tied up? What was the room like? etc) in quick succession as if he was scanning the area..then bring the focus back on the gun in his face. This will make the scene pop out more...as it wouldn't be an expectation (like..have the quote..then the character state to the audience his situation..and end it with the looming barrel of the gun in his face)
Salvidian
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On a four day duration, I didn't do much. I did, though, watch two films, nap, and cook food; a small amount of ancillary tasks also found way into my actions, such as scrubbing my habitat, which I was paid to do so. I also did a bit of work at my local Tom Thumb, prior to stuffing my mouth with Italian food. Finally, my pal Sam Mattingly and I hung out at a film building to watch Hobbit and Django.


Improving this a bit more by rewording certain phrases. The grammar wasn't too bad, so I didn't need to touch up on much of that.

Within a four day duration I didn't do too much. I did, however, watch two films, nap, and cook food; a small amount of ancillary tasks also found way into my actions, such as scrubbing my habitat, which I was paid to do so. I also did a bit of work at my local Tom Thumb prior to stuffing my mouth with Italian food. Finally, my pal Sam Mattingly and I hung out at a film building where we watched The Hobbit and Django.

You might want to go back and reword the entire last sentence. It seems too simple relative to the rest and redundancy is good in writing.
pangtongshu
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pangtongshu
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Within a four day duration I didn't do too much. I did, however, watch two films, nap, and cook food; a small amount of ancillary tasks also found way into my actions, such as scrubbing my habitat, which I was paid to do so. I also did a bit of work at my local Tom Thumb prior to stuffing my mouth with Italian food. Finally, my pal Sam Mattingly and I hung out at a film building where we watched The Hobbit and Django.


Gotta stay away from them E's..like his assignment states =p
Salvidian
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Gotta stay away from them E's..like his assignment states =p


I should probably read the OP of threads more often. Haha, looks like I got a 4 word combo there. Ouch.
pangtongshu
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pangtongshu
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Ok..so this isn't showing up for me..so I'm making this comment to try and resolve the issue..

Bladerunner679
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Bladerunner679
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Alright, I'm back, and I'm going to give you a new piece for today. The object of this piece is to use 100 words to make an interesting short story. This 100 words includes the title, so it is really 99 available.

jealousy

John spied on his coworkers, and envied their success. He has been in the company for way longer than any of them, and has done the most work. Every year, he observed the newest members of the company write meager chicken scratch on useless reports, and then climb the ranks because they used more flattery on their supervisors than sinners who were sent to the 2nd malebolge of hell. John knew that he laboured harder than any of them, and still they mocked him with their apathy for his existence. Sullen, he swigged his whiskey, and continued mopping.


If you caught what I did there, then that is what makes this story interesting.

-Blade
Bladerunner679
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Bladerunner679
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Today, I'm going to put down something that I can truly say I am proud of. I wrote a sestina, and have just finished today. the link in wikipedia will tell you the structure of the poem, but all you need to know is that each line uses a certain word, there are six of these words used for each stanza, and each stanza uses these words in different patterns. the words are:

1.dirt
2.wind
3.vision
4.sword
5.time
6.chapel

here is my attempt:

Two men stepped onto the dirt,
no sounds were made but from the wind.
Their clash was seen in a vision,
and the gods would clash with their swords.
The initial strike stopped time;
the ritual begins in the unholy chapel.

Every great clash began in this chapel,
within unseen walls and blood-stained dirt.
This has been since the beginning of time;
the only witness was the wind.
The two warriors raised their swords,
time to continue the bloody vision.

Immediately, one warrior lost his vision,
but that didn't appease the unholy chapel.
This blind warrior swung his sword,
but it only hit the blood-stained dirt.
Focused, he caught his opponent's breath on the wind,
and managed to hit a 2nd time.

Wounded, the opponent's senses stopped his time,
and tried to find exploitable weaknesses in his vision.
Calmly, he noticed the warrior turn from the wind;
he knew to exploit this would appease the chapel.
Swiftly, he darted forward and kicked up dirt
to hide his position while he aimed his sword.

The warrior heard him, and lifted his sword
to block the killing blow just in time.
He ran outside of the shroud of dirt,
in order to exploit the opponent's lack of vision.
The warrior felt the bloodlust in the chapel,
and could smell the hunger in the wind.

From each came a flurry of strikes that broke the wind;
from each came sparks along each sword.
From each came the hunger of the chapel,
but neither could feel the passing of time.
One saw the strike too late in his vision,
and one finally rested upon the dirt.

The shroud of dirt subsided with the wind;
the survivor's vision spotted the broken sword.
The resuming of time finally dissolved the appeased chapel.


tell me what you think of it.

-Blade
Blackbeltr0
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Immediately, one warrior lost his vision,
but that didn't appease the unholy chapel.
This blind warrior swung his sword,
but it only hit the blood-stained dirt.
Focused, he caught his opponent's breath on the wind,
and managed to hit a 2nd time.



I like this paragraph. It brings out images. one thing quick. I would say when you write don't use abbreviations like 2nd it just kind kills the flow just right the word. otherwise i think the "fight" is cool!
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