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The Hospital... A Story of Amnesia, and a Hospital

Posted Mar 20, '13 at 10:48pm

blk2860

blk2860

3,686 posts

So I wrote this story and posted it somewhere else, what do you guys think?

    I woke up in unfamiliar surroundings. Sweat began to pour down my face as I tried to get up, realizing my arms and legs were strapped down. "Good, he's awake." A voice said, in a cold and unforgiving tone. It was a woman's voice, probably in her 40s, if that's what she really was. "Where am I?" I asked. No one replied to me. Suddenly the light grew more intense, as the room began to heat up.
   
    Suddenly one of the straps became loose. Seizing the chance, I jerked my arm and shot forward, breaking free of my bindings. Not knowing what to do I quickly ran for a door. There was an eye retina scanner, as well as a hand print scanner. A guard came through a door. Trying to escape, I was too quick for him. I swept his legs and grabbed him. I shoved him forward, grabbing his hand and placing it on the scanner. "Identity Confirmed. Richard Malcolms." Then I put his face in position with the retina scanner "Confirmed."
   
     I then threw him to the ground as the door opened. I rushed through, slamming a button on the way in to seal the door. I wouldn't be safe for long, as he could easily reopen the door. I bolted down the light grey hallway, unaware of where I was. I then found an elevator. Relieved that there were no scanners inside, I clicked the 1st floor button.
   
    The elevator rushed down, when I realized, to my horror, I was in the basement.
I thought. The doors opened as I cautiously exited. Suddenly, the elevator doors slammed shut and it went back up, leaving me in the pitch black. I walked forward, and a light came on. "Welcome." The same voice from earlier said coldly. "Who are you?" I ask. Again, there was no response to my question.
   
    Doors on one end of the room opened, and 4 guards came out. They collapsed on the ground, but something wasn't right. I didn't go forward, as that didn't seem to be a very good idea. Suddenly gas filled the room and I passed out.
   
    I woke up on an operating table, with a knife coming towards me. I shouted, unaware that I couldn't speak, so no sound came out. I violently jerked from side to side, and my leg got free, kicking the knife into the surgeons eye, where they met an unfortunate demise. I then heard the voice I dreaded hearing. "No one ever escapes The Hospital."

                  To Be Continued...

This is only Part 1.

 

Posted Mar 21, '13 at 4:46pm

blk2860

blk2860

3,686 posts

So, is it good guys? Or do I need to work on it?

 

Posted Mar 21, '13 at 8:17pm

R2D21999

R2D21999

8,214 posts

Its good so far. I can see what's happening already.

 

Posted Mar 21, '13 at 9:51pm

blk2860

blk2860

3,686 posts

What do you think is happening? Also thanks. I'll probably post part 2 on Saturday or Sunday.

 

Posted Mar 21, '13 at 9:54pm

R2D21999

R2D21999

8,214 posts

He's obviously a crazy person who thinks people are trying to take out his body parts, but the people are really just trying to help him.

 

Posted Mar 21, '13 at 10:50pm

blk2860

blk2860

3,686 posts

No... that's not what's happening at all.

 

Posted Mar 22, '13 at 8:27pm

blk2860

blk2860

3,686 posts

Grabbing the knife, I ran out the door, entering the hallway. I turned right, then left, then went forward then turned right. I found a room and walked in. I found the dead surgeon. The hospital was like a maze, that changed as you ran threw it, I thought. I searched my pockets and found some spare change and a flare.

    I rushed out of the room, through the all-white hallway. The lights began to go out at the end of the hallway, coming towards me until I was in complete darkness. I started walking, my hands outstretched, when I found a door handle. I opened it and was blinded by the light of the outside. I walked forward, and then was stopped. I threw a rock in the direction, and it hit something invisible. A forcefield, I decided.

    I circled the hospital until I found what looked like the main entrance. I walked in, and discovered people trapped in glass tubes, as test subjects. Suddenly the all shouted "She's coming, we wish we were running, go, go, and never turn back, for your life the world will lack." I ran to the window and jumped through, and what I saw you wouldn't believe.

    The Hospital was on a chunk of land, floating. Suddenly, a young woman walked up behind me. "Why do you think we're here?" She asked. "I don't know. Maybe we died and went to-" Suddenly she interrupted "This isn't heaven." "That's not what I was going to say." I replied. She walked away, and vanished, into thin air. Then I woke up. I guess it's true what they say, when you are in situations you can't bear, you create a false reality for yourself. And oh how my situation was horrible...

Part 3 coming soon!

 

Posted Mar 29, '13 at 5:59pm

Somewhat49

Somewhat49

1,608 posts

I would say that it's an interesting story, but I don't like the general lack of detail in everything.

 

Posted Mar 31, '13 at 6:29pm

blk2860

blk2860

3,686 posts

How could I improve it? What kind of details should I include?

 

Posted Mar 31, '13 at 6:36pm

Quirinus1

Quirinus1

150 posts

When you write a story, first thing you have to do is wait.

After you have written a part, wait a certain amount of time and read it over several times. Ask yourself:
What am I trying to say here?
What is my character trying to say here?
Is this the style I want to portray it in?
Is this the tempo which I want the story to have?
Is this relevant for the story?

Try to ask yourself as many questions as you can.

Read, change, edit, reread, change, reread, rewrite, reread, that is what you must do.

 
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