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The Stories, of the Spirit

Posted May 1, '13 at 10:32pm

blk2860

blk2860

4,417 posts

I bet you were expecting a story about a ghost who lives in the woods, passing on his storied to travelers, and nobody who entered his cabin ever left, right? Well, you're out of luck. This is just my AMW stuff thread. Not just poetry, or stories, but everything. Except Art. Or Music. Okay it's just writing. And possible a bit of art. So, here's my first story... (Gotcha):

                                  The Stories, of The Spirit

   He walked through the relentless mist, unaware of where he was. He had previously broken down on the side of the road, and was going on the path, to the village, where he could call someone, for there was no signal whatsoever on the road. It was a heavily forested area, and he had been following the path. Eventually, his mind had started wandering, and he turned around. There was no path. So what had he been following? He saw nothing.

   Now, as he tread on, exhausted, he saw something. A cabin? Maybe he could phone someone from there. He fished the phone out of his pocket. His empty pocket, for there was nothing in it. There may be a land line in the cabin, he decided. He walked up to it, and knocked on the door, which creaked open as he knocked. He decided to walk in, the owner wouldn't mind. No phone. He walked down the stairs into the basement.

    It was similar to the dungeon of a medieval day, with chains on the walls, blood stains. Even now, he could hear echoes, of the screams that the long dead had once screamed. He had to get out, he thought. He ran up to the door. Except that he never reached the door.

      Something gripped his neck. He was ready for this. He knew this day would come. So this was how he would die. He felt no pain. He felt nothing in fact. Then he remembered. This was the 7th time. He gazed at his transparent arms. Then, a traveler walked in the front door of the cabin... there were screams echoing through the forest that day.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Creepy, right guys? Give me your thoughts and opinions. By the way, this is actually the thread I'll post my writings on.

 

Posted May 2, '13 at 1:41am

EmperorPalpatine

EmperorPalpatine

5,011 posts

There's not much of a buildup. It's simplistic, but not in a good way. It seems like it was written in a hurry and nearly all of the scenery was cut: as though there was a 300 word limit, but you went over by 50 and chose to shred the atmosphere.
It gets pretty darn predictable: "Huh, I don't see what I came for, so I'll just go in the basement." Makes lots of sense. That kinda killed it for me.

 

Posted May 4, '13 at 12:47am

blk2860

blk2860

4,417 posts

Yeah, sorry about that. Glad some people can give constructive criticism, so I'll work on it with this next one:

                                       The Silence of the Forest

    It was unusual, for a forest to have such an unearthly silence like this. It's almost as if the wind had stopped, and so had the animals. Almost as if they were waiting, or anticipating. Then, the silence shattered, with the crunching of a leaf. Then a twig. Finally, there was rustling in the bushes. A strange man climbed out of them, wearing a ragged corduroy jacket, and faded gray jeans stared at the animals. He began walking forward, the animals wincing with each step. He stopped. "Welcome back, Percival." A raspy voice called. Just the wind, Percy thought.

     A mist gathered. Suddenly, the wispy form of an old hag appeared, somewhat witch-like, though she was not physically there. It turns out the voice really was the wind. It seemed the wind had began howling. Not like you'd think though. Like wolves howling. Just then, several obscure smokey black creatures appeared. Their forms solidified, revealing them to be fox-like, though somehow demonic in appearance. They jumped onto Percy, though he threw them off, reducing them to clouds of smoke.

     "Finish, my sweeties." The old hag cooed to the trees. Suddenly, what once seemed to be holes twisted into mangled, enraged, faces. The Roots came out of the ground, and shot up into the air. They seized Percy by the legs, and tried to pull him into the ground, eventually succeeding, at least, somewhat. "Dinner time." The Witch called. The squirrels, rabbits, and other creatures tore Percy limb from limb, enjoying their feast. The Hag disappeared, as the trees returned to normality. The animals, with bits of Percy, scurried into their burrows, and shelters. The Forest, was silent again.

 

Posted May 8, '13 at 9:13am

blk2860

blk2860

4,417 posts

So... is it... is it good?

 
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