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Riptizoid101's All Purpose Thread!

Posted Jun 20, '13 at 10:51pm

Riptizoid101

Riptizoid101

3,228 posts

Hey there! This thread is where I will post my work, such as drawings and poetry, here on AG. If you thought it was something different, well sorry to disappoint. Anyways, since I don't have any doodles I can post to you people right now, I think I shall start with some poetry.

Saying it now so that I can quote from myself later, I mostly write haiku poems, so I may be terrible at other forms of poetry.
Critique is welcome and even encouraged. I look forward to learning from you people. =)

Under the thin veil
It creeps, ensnaring its wants;
Yet none satiates.

Monotonous sounds,
Bare ashtrays, and empty drinks.
Their backs are displayed.

 

Posted Jul 3, '13 at 12:22am

pangtongshu

pangtongshu

8,227 posts

Whoops...I'm a tad bit late on posting in here

Anywho

Both are well constructed. My irks with them..
1st one leaves me questioning what "it" is..but if you were to make a poem of off this "it"..the two could work wonders hand-in-hand

The 2nd, a scene at a bar..the introduction of the third line leaves a more somber and mysterious tone..due to it being a stand alone in the flow. If you could somehow rewrite it to make the flow continuous, it'd be much better. Still good, though

Now..make more shiz!

 

Posted Jul 8, '13 at 1:11am

pangtongshu

pangtongshu

8,227 posts

He shirks from duties
Monotonous silence reigns
What a valiant knight

That's right Rip. Don't post in this thread and I'll make insulting/passive aggressive haiku's about you

 

Posted Jul 8, '13 at 6:33pm

Riptizoid101

Riptizoid101

3,228 posts

Shaddap, pang. Thanks for keeping my thread alive, by the way. =)

Both are well constructed. My irks with them..
1st one leaves me questioning what "it" is..but if you were to make a poem of off this "it"..the two could work wonders hand-in-hand

The "it" I was trying to convey and allude to was "human greed" or "human nature", though I was leaning towards the former. I suppose if you read it in that context, it would have made a whole lot of more sense. Then again, I was hinting at it quite a bit, so I'm surprised you didn't catch that.

The 2nd, a scene at a bar..the introduction of the third line leaves a more somber and mysterious tone..due to it being a stand alone in the flow. If you could somehow rewrite it to make the flow continuous, it'd be much better. Still good, though

I agree, I sort of messed up the flow. The last line was supposed to be unique and I tried to make it "stand alone" on purpose, but I suppose the direction I was going was not the correct one.

Anyways, on to the haiku. Also, I'm posting some art pretty soon.
--

Bewitched and beguiled,
Smitten fools are bewildered
by charlatan charms

In the winter breeze,
Final words trade between them
And then, leaves descend

Dancing and playful,
The solid heat pierces all
Yet, it lights the path

 

Posted Jul 9, '13 at 12:12am

MoonFairy

MoonFairy

3,216 posts

I'm not even gonna be nice to you here and just say it all sucks and stuff yeah unless I feel like giving you a critiquing thing which will probably be never so yeah deuces

____

JK BRO

Okay I actually like your haikus which is really rare because I don't like haikus much but yes I actually like yours congratulations.

well at least the first two.

This

In the winter breeze,
Final words trade between them
And then, leaves descend

you could've easily made it rhyme. RHYME IS THE BEST

 

Posted Jul 9, '13 at 5:33am

OperationNilo

OperationNilo

2,044 posts

I just knew you had a thread like this buried somewhere.

 
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