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pang's miscellaneous stuff II

Posted Jul 2, '13 at 5:39pm

pangtongshu

pangtongshu

8,404 posts

So I've requested to have my old thread locked..reason? Certain works I wish to become disassociated with and the thread itself seems to have just become a jumbled mess.

Anyways..I a forewarning..I shall mostly just be posting poetry within this thread. If I fell fancy, maybe a short story or something..but probably not. Mostly, I really want to find my niche in the writing world..find what aspect of poetry/writing I fit into really well (i.e. Moon and her yin-yang, Emp and his dark works, etc.)

Feedback of any kind is very welcomed.

 

Posted Jul 2, '13 at 6:10pm

pangtongshu

pangtongshu

8,404 posts

Bringing some works I somewhat like over

-----

Porcelain Demons

Porcelain dolls, they sit and they stare
an inching movement, how can one prepare?
Desperation lies upon one held by fear
Heavy words towards one whom shan't hear
The piercing scream, delight of the sadist
One more soul he adds upon his list
His demonic possession, kept secret
Until one more life becomes cheated
If you knew what hid, to own you would not dare
Porcelain dolls, they sit and they stare

-----

(A response poem to "To His Coy Mistress)
To Her Potent Lover

     Thy heavy words, which carry to me so true
Have given me a perspective new.
At once, I agree, we should seize the day,
Then tighten our talons, and make it stay.
We shall send the sun into Kong Ming's maze,
Where even one brighter would find that ways
Which seem a true path are no more
Than further entrapment. But alas! Still there will soar
That shining moon, ever so mocking.
Though to get rid of there exists a way, be it so shocking.
The moon, so confused, as one can most clearly see
Has many faces, all wishing to truly be.
Their ever long battle gives chaos to the ocean
As same does time to love's devotion.
For now they take turns to soften their fighting.
So to harden it, send them unaddressed love writing,
     Why, my love, dost thou fear that winged chariot?
Merely clip its wings, then pay no attention to it.
Why dost thou shake at time's continuation?
Stand firm, for love will cause it obliteration.
For true love, time is a cruel illusion,
Made to infect lovers' minds and cause confusion
That love is not everlasting and will surely fleet,
But our love will be the cause of Time's defeat.
We shall take that trident from the mighty seafarer
And with our love, against we shall show no terror.
With this mighty tool giving the ocean's command
We shall wash away Time's counting sand.
Thy holder of such true and loving tongue
I promise thee we shall keep this love young.
     The vegetable love will most surely grow
To a beautiful garden, never be it low.
At each passing moment to it we shall tend,
And even during separation, its growth shall be a trend.
A love so powerful, it would make any other look false,
Merely just actions acted out impulse.
A love so sweet, it makes Miracle Fruit seem sour.
A love so strong, not even a tyrant has equal power.
Those poems of old, with praising sentiments of their love
Are merely extended ways to say "By Jove".
Our love, which can't be denied truest of them all
Contains so much strength, it could make Zeus fall.
But now, thou has an odd look upon thy face,
I inquire thou to answer: be this true love, or be it base?

(I plan on fixing up some parts possibly..sometime in a near-distant future)

-----

Touch of Truth

Objectifying with bleak desperation,
Their curséd words of piercing temptations
Full of barked claims of perceived divination
That announces my impeding damnation

They shout, with their giant voices booming.
I shrink, fearing the dark light looming.
They hush, with calm tales of unconditional love.
I grow, with curious thoughts to speak of.

Their truth they cling on to, ready to defend,
But to my truth, jabbing questions they do send!
My anger burning, could their persistence bend?
Or must I stay tormented til days end?

Upon a lone moment of seclusion,
I begin to ponder their delusion.
But lo! Sudden insight lets my inner eye see
The judgement I too threw maliciously

I resolve, with immediate resolute
To find agreement within this wicked dispute.
For alas, neither party can truly refute
The truths which would result the others mute

-----

And now taking some from Poetry/Haiku contests

-----

Broken Bond

Brightened smiles meet
Euphoric friendship elates
Death, the cruel jokester..

-----

[/b]Mamihlapinatapai

Longèd hopelessness...
Dare I construct confidence?
For what if I'm wrong?

-----

[b]War of Love and Death

Love succeeds once more
The Lovers, perish'd, unite
Death conquers once more

-----

War of Love and Death

The darkness slowly crept along with swift haste,
It's brighten'd smile shadowing the land
And covering the ground in which I stand,
Whilst unveiling the enemies I face.

On either side, the other side: a smile.
A greeting from such a long farewell,
But there exists an obstacle of a hellish trial
For such conquest I aim to quell.

The thunderous applause crack'd across the sky
As the cloudless night drew an eerie silence.
Their gazes grazing over me; silent.
Tonight shall be the lovers' final goodbye.

I feel their stares, trying to pierce through,
As if it'd be any help for them.
I stand, intrepid, waiting to condemn,
but with a sudden movement the chaos grew.

The lover to my left darted violently,
While the other graced along carefully.
He must have thought she did so beautifully,
But not so much as my blade passed through silently.

Her body hit the ground ever so peacefully,
Ever so gracefully, with never more a breath.
And when I kissed her cheeks, covered with death,
His rage exploded, and he charged forcefully.

Never shall you know the look of true intent,
The look of a man with no more left to lose.
The look of a man whose inner being has been let loose.
The look of a man as, from his body, his head is sent.

His body crumpled to the ground
As I took in the silence of the area.
But again broke out mass hysteria,
As she came down with a most impressive sound.

Love, or so you all call her,
Spoke to me with a voice truly serene.
"You may have taken their lives clean,
But more are out there, and you they abhor."

Then, at once, she was gone as she came.
A tyrannical one, she really is,
Vying to rule all with the ruse of loving bliss.
So, in order to halt her, I became.

I am viewed the villain, until one's final breath.
Such is the price to pay for being Death.

(made an alteration)

-----

Restoration

Long forgotten youth
He finds, preserved in photos
Nostalgic tears fall

-----

Naughty or Nice

Blood dries on his knife
We curse, despite our hunger
As he hands us bread

-----

Paradise of Ice

So call'd paradise!
A white demon's tyranny
Traps hope down, frozen

-----

The Thanksgiving Spirit

Bowéd heads, silent
A faux pray, he keeps the peace
Thoughts of the tortur'd

-----

Uprising

The mask'd covering
Only what's needed is known
But for truth, they seek

-----

Don't Fear the Reaper

Existence beloved
Fearful for the absolute
A darkness of peace

-----

Silence

Blacken'd hearts watching
Slowly lower'd with hushed sound
Grievance shows no peace

 

Posted Jul 3, '13 at 4:02pm

Salvidian

Salvidian

3,950 posts

Well you have a nice start on an archive, albeit with some formatting errors. Can we expect any new material?

 

Posted Jul 3, '13 at 4:21pm

MoonFairy

MoonFairy

3,221 posts

Moon and her yin-yang

That's adorable. I wish I had the yin-yang thing down lol. My thing is more of a semi-set rhyme pattern and emotions~ But I like the idea of yin-yang. (thus my poetry contest thing lol)

TIME TO DO SOME REAL DEAL CRITIQUING

I like Porcelain dolls but I feel like you forced the set a bit... I'm not a huge fan of shan't and words that are cut off and fancy words and all that. Plain is my thing and sometimes it's a better thing. While it gives that creepy vibe, if you used the same sort of style for it to relay the moments when he's killing the person then it could be even creepier~

I'm skipping the second one. For now at least. I might try to do like 2 or three per post, but on to the next one~

I really like Touch of Truth. I can relate. The last stanza isn't as great as the rest of it, but that may be because I'm not thinking your thoughts as I read it and I don't know what conclusion you came to. So maybe try to describe it a bit more, but ti's still good.

I'm not one for Haikus because they are just too tiny for me to do anything with. But Broken Bond rang loud and clear. Good job on that one.

The mami whatever one is good too but again Haikus just aren't my area.

The love and death one. Read above sentence.

I'm sorry that these are so short and stuff but I'm supposed to be getting ready for work, whoops.

I'll do the others soon, okay? :D Post some new stuff! :D

 

Posted Jul 3, '13 at 5:58pm

pangtongshu

pangtongshu

8,404 posts

Can we expect any new material?

Indeed. In fact..for the past month I've been working off and on with a poem..even received some help from my Senior English Teacher with ideas. So I should hopefully have that done sometime in the near future..just need to edit some stuff and finish it up.

I like Porcelain dolls but I feel like you forced the set a bit

That's probably because I wrote it in like 10 minutes XD

I'm not a huge fan of shan't and words that are cut off and fancy words and all that.

I tend to be =p

Also..for future reference..I never have a word end in -ed (at least, I try not to. If I do, let me know so I can fix it). I either take out the e and place ' in place of it, or add an accent mark above the e. Just a little shtick/quirk of mine..it also allows to have free reign of controlling syllable count with more ease.

if you used the same sort of style for it to relay the moments when he's killing the person then it could be even creepier~

Well..I definitely wouldn't be against making such a poem..if you'd be interested..just let me know.

I'm skipping the second one. For now at least. I might try to do like 2 or three per post, but on to the next one~

Alrighty.
And keep in mind..I plan on doing some editing for it..shortening some lines or lengthening others.

The last stanza isn't as great as the rest of it, but that may be because I'm not thinking your thoughts as I read it and I don't know what conclusion you came to. So maybe try to describe it a bit more, but ti's still good.

The ending is the speaker coming to the resolution to just, basically, let it be..as he finds his "truth" to be the true "truth"..but everyone's "truth" to them is their real "truth".

More or less just a statement against how different beliefs assert themselves as the true one that should be followed..blah blah

I'm sorry that these are so short and stuff but I'm supposed to be getting ready for work, whoops.

You're fine =p Glad to get some Moon critiquing

 

Posted Jul 3, '13 at 6:12pm

R2D21999

R2D21999

8,348 posts

I want to comment but it feels as if I already did in your last AMW thread.

So keep up the good work.

 

Posted Jul 3, '13 at 7:30pm

MoonFairy

MoonFairy

3,221 posts

Like I said, the emotional parts are my thing. Maybe try to make the realization of his own self the high point of the poem. The climatic and questioning part of it. And end it with more... oomph. More finality

 

Posted Jul 3, '13 at 10:00pm

pangtongshu

pangtongshu

8,404 posts

Maybe try to make the realization of his own self the high point of the poem. The climatic and questioning part of it. And end it with more... oomph. More finality

Which one..the Dolly one?

 

Posted Jul 6, '13 at 8:39am

pangtongshu

pangtongshu

8,404 posts

Lucy stood in front of her mirror, staring at herself as she tried on different smiles, looking for one that would make her look beautiful. That was just one thing she really wanted, to be beautiful. Everyone always told her how pretty and beautiful she was, but she just couldn't find herself to believe them. How could she? If she really was beautiful, her reflection would actually smile back for once.

 

Posted Jul 6, '13 at 5:43pm

R2D21999

R2D21999

8,348 posts

Great story? Poem? I don't know what its called. But its great anyways.

 
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