Forums → The Tavern → Change and transformation
I am going through a time when I am confronted with change and transformation. At the end of this period, I will have gained a formed personality and a life. And right now, I feel pretty insecure about it. All of it. I know I am capable of doing it, but I am not certain whether I am fulfilling my true potential or not. I have spent the first four years of the part of childhood that I begin to remember with my mother and three brothers in a small town in a filthy house. There were mountains of filthy clothes inside, spread all over the house, clothes which I never knew where they came from. And I kept hearing rats in the walls. But I can't say I loathed it. I was with my brothers and mother and was a bright pupil. Then, after two costly and time consuming trials, I moved in with my father and his wife, in the capital, across the country. For six years, I didn't have a personal computer at home and from time to time, I went to my aunt that had one and played video games on it. But those occasions were pretty rare, as she stood far away from my parent's apartment. I remained a bright student, I think this is one of the reasons that kept me that way, in fact, I thank my parents for not buying me one.
The main diversion from the boring times of school and vacation was reading. I've taken up reading in the third grade, when I had discovered a small public library very near my small, filthy house in my mother's town. I've read quite a lot. I've read a number of classics and brilliant books, but I've also read a lot of crap, I didn't really care what I read as long as it passed the time. In this period, I felt a strong feeling of exclusion, because the only social contact I had was school, because I, by nature, tend to be an introvert and there weren't many kids on the block I grew up on with my dad. And he wouldn't let me go elsewhere. Also, I felt somewhat close to one kid with which I had long conversations about video games I've never played and football games I've never watched. I haven't talked to him in years since I left elementary school.
Now, I'm in high school in the eleventh grade, one of the best schools in town, downtown. There are lots of snobbish people, but at least I don't have to worry about bullies and stuff. I have four or five good friends and a laptop for almost six months and a girlfriend for a lot longer, but I still have issues. I really am into writing. I've started a blog where I've published my writings. I've gotten a certain amount of appreciation. The thing I'm concerned about is that I want t keep writing, but I don't really know what to do in life. I have a number of things in mind for insuring the financial part, but, as I've said, i'm not sure about them. I stopped liking my girlfriend a long time ago and I was staying with her just so I could have sex with her, but one day she made it clear to me that she is not yet ready and she will be , but I'm not willing to put up with it. It's not that I'm desperate to achieve this thing, I was just hoping to do it.I am tormented by comparisons with others, although I realize I am not as bad as I see myself. I am constantly insecure about myself, with times when I have the feeling I am the king of the world and times where I wish I would die. I don't thinks this forum is the time and place for it, but I just felt like writing this.
- 2 Replies
I thank my parents for not buying me one.
I thank my parents for not getting me a gaming console until I was about 10. I am not addicted to video games like some kids I know. I don't waste money on the newest games, like GTAV. Taught me a lot.
Well judging from your last paragraph there things are getting better. Your problems are pretty minor.
Let's see, in 11th grade I thought that I wanted to be an engineer. My dad and mom are engineers and I like math and physics. I took a bunch of engineering classes and didn't like them that much. Then I took a Java camp and loved it. Then I knew that I wanted to be in Computer Science. So, try different things. It is OK that you don't know what you want to do, but just sitting there wondering will not be that helpful. You have to go out there and try new things, figure out what you like and don't like. And make sure that you go for what you like to do, even if it is hard.
I have never had a GF, but you have to break up with her. Staying with her just because you want to have sex will just end poorly. When you find the right person you will not be with them just because you want sex. You will want to be with them because they make you feel like yourself and you trust them with your life.
I know that is the best thing to do, in both cases. In fact, tomorrow I'm planning to go to a public center where kids can take all sorts of lessons. Acting, foreign languages, physics, guitar and such. I'm expecting to meet new, interesting people there. It's going to be hard to break up with my girlfriend, given the fact that we were close friends before we got together. Also, I'm planning on going to more literary circles, to receive more feedback on my stuff. I know that I overrate the problems I think I have and I know they'll go away. But it's just like when you have a headache. You can't think of something else.
Best of luck your your programming career.
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