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The Wall and the Capitol (Inspired by The Hunger Games)

Posted Apr 20, '14 at 2:26pm

RaeLockHeart

RaeLockHeart

4 posts

Hey guys, I'm new here. This is something that I wrote originally for an english controlled assessment however I am tempted to extend the story. Feedback is greatly appreciated, hope you like it! :D

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The Wall and The Capitol

You wake up in an unfamiliar place; surrounded by dense woodland. You slowly stumble to your feet, wincing in agony as your leg collapses under the weight of your body. You reach for the nearest branch to stabilise yourself as your body sways. The branch is coated in a thick layer of green moss that squelches between your fingers. You tug your hand away, your face twisted in a grimace of disgust. As you wipe your hand clean on your frayed brown trousers you sigh and look around at your surroundings: to your left you could see a thick mass of forest that seemed to go on for miles, and to your right you could see a tall, grey concrete wall with a few hundred meters of thick forest in front of it.

After pondering your next move you begin to make your way towards the wall, clumsily clambering over fallen trees and branches. You begin to quicken your pace; going from a walk to a brisk jog. Your heart rate begins to increase as the word ‘freedom’ crowds your thoughts and delays your ability to think clearly.

An abrupt, earsplitting scream pierces the still air surrounding you. The air quickly becomes still, leaving behind a ringing sensation in your ears and a thumping in your chest. Dazed and confused you continue to stumble forward. The rim of your worn, black shoe catches against the side of a broad tree root causing you to plummet to the ground; landing hard on your face.

You slowly lift you head, wiping the foul smelling mud from your face and eyes. You shake your head from side to side in an attempt to clear the haze from your mind. You weakly push yourself into a seated position, trying to gather the strength to stand. With the help of a low hanging tree limb, you manage to pull yourself onto your feet.

You start to walk towards the wall at a leisurely pace, running your hands against the various types of plant life that cover the path you are walking along. The sky begins to grow gloomy around you; long shadows starting to appear beneath the broad trunks of trees. You shudder as a cold breeze whips around you, ruffling your hair and causing your clothes to flap against your body.

You walk through a thick blanket of vines overhanging from a tall oak tree. Stopping immediately as you look ahead, the wall seeming even more daunting when close up. Your eyes begin to trail down the wall, looking for any hidden cameras or traps. A twig snaps from behind you and you gulp. A rough hand comes into contact with your shoulder and you slowly turn, coming face to face with the barrel of a gun. Your vision blurs and you black out, the sounds of gun fire reverberating in your inner ear.

You are woken up by a barely audible drip, drip, dripping of a leaking faucet. You slowly begin to open your eyes, reaching up to wipe the dust out of them. Once your vision is clear you begin to inspect the room in which you are held captive. The wall in front of you is bare, the brick work visible on certain parts of the wall. The plaster board is stained black with years of grime and dirt. Wallpaper, in a bleak shade of grey, hangs lifeless from the wall. Iron bars reinforce the glass on both sides. You sit on the cold, concrete and dust covered floor and hang your head in defeat. The motto of your district repeats constantly in your head…

“Nobody can escape the Capitol…”

 

Posted Apr 20, '14 at 3:49pm

RaeLockHeart

RaeLockHeart

4 posts

Please leave feedback?

 

Posted Apr 21, '14 at 7:59pm

samiel

samiel

355 posts

You peeked my curiosity but you should add a tinge more reality.

 

Posted Apr 23, '14 at 11:02am

RaeLockHeart

RaeLockHeart

4 posts

Okay, reality in what way?

 

Posted Apr 25, '14 at 8:52pm

69_69_69

69_69_69

110 posts

Details, details, details. What types of plants are they? What does the wall look like? How does it feel? You could also pace your story, and go slower. The trick to writing is to read your story from the viewpoint of another person, so that you can see if your story is going too fast. There are things that an author visualizes in their mind that will not show up on the paper. Make sure to get these things.

 

Posted May 3, '14 at 12:58pm

RaeLockHeart

RaeLockHeart

4 posts

Okay, thank you for the feedback. I'll go through and add more details to my writing.


last edited May 03 2014 12:59 pm by RaeLockHeart
 
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