Forums → Art, Music, and Writing → The Forumnauts and the Quest for the Holy Grail
A message arrived in the early morning for the knights.
DB BNL DFSTPZZ HX KEUUY ZSWRA,
OA ASC PWSL MG YHZ GAMWXGQUU HX DUIZ AAW RBTE NKSSY WL ZHEOGPOUZ KYZMZOBFQ PIT IX XYHVJ ZHEOJPKYX KYZMCOXJO JQZOBF DUM BPVAXVBE VY LRRAK YXSVZA UM MZOFM QPGYNBUY VY LRRAK STFNF WL AAAC CTGUXKCCPKYX. OO, GPK JHMBG, BGZD QYH, STPZZDF, BU MBFN VB, ZOX ZYYG MYTAV, NVJ JESSZ QZ, AAW RBTE NKSSY, NUY MZO TTUYR GP GPK RBFQQWS, HKEYE OGTXK. DUQY PL S NNVMLKGEF YALLL WRITA HFVL NUY MZO FQRSBWCG, AZBIANRAZ, HGV WBAZ MHGVUIXKR GP XVONALC. SWXANFKGMRF, MZOEM GYX FY ZCXKXJYHA XHUTSGA UY YSBGQTN YJOAKNTXF. EANUYMMXNBKSR, AD PITUHL LR OAHKSXGMKK MZKG BNLKW KEM TV YDKGCRLGL PYWVWR WKEA. YAXH EC, JXHOW UAQMOMK, KAL ZHDW IBCX WESMR ISVGYCG BNVLW MBCXHZWYHA KUHMQU BU ZXSBPP LVK LRR OXHBD.
PNZKDXDV NVJ NHGN WWAYGWIF.
NUY MZO TTUYR GP GPK RBFQQWS.
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Sir HahiHa: "What's it say?"
Sir Weird: "DB BNL DFSTPZZ HZ KEUUY ZSWRA."
Sir Nicho: >_>
Sir Weird: "Let me sleep on it."
And so he did. Meanwhile, the remaining knights attempted to roll the lazy Sir Weird off the note so they could attempt to decipher it. Two days passed before Sir Weird woke and moved himself off the note. Magically, the note had changed and it read thus:
TO THE KNIGHTS OF ARMOR GAMES,
IT HAS COME TO OUR ATTENTION OF THAT THE HOLY GRAIL OF SOMETHING SOMETHING CAN BE FOUND SOMEWHERE SOMEWHERE WITHIN THE VICINITY OF THESE REALMS OF THESE KINGDOMS OF THESE LANDS OF THIS PLANESSPHERE. WE, THE COURT, TASK YOU, KNIGHTS, TO FIND IT, THE HOLY GRAIL, AND CLAIM IT, THE HOLY GRAIL, FOR THE GLORY OF THE KINGDOM, ARMOR GAMES. THIS IS A DANGEROUS QUEST MEANT ONLY FOR THE SILLIEST, STUPIDEST, AND MOST FOOLHARDY OF KNIGHTS. FORTUNATELY, THERE ARE NO MURDEROUS RABBITS OR FARTING FRENCHMEN. UNFORTUNATELY, IT CANNOT BE GUARANTEED THAT THERE ARE NO FLATULENT FLOPPY EARS. STEP UP, BRAVE KNIGHTS, AND TAKE YOUR PLACE AMONGST THOSE COURAGEOUS ENOUGH TO SEARCH FOR THE GRAIL.
FAREWELL AND GOOD JOURNEYS.
FOR THE GLORY OF THE KINGDOM.
And embarked they did, Sir Weird the Tired, Sir Ernie the Gaunt-Faced, Sir Nicho the Soft-hearted, Sir HahiHa the Menacing, and Sir SSTGio the Medieval Architect on a journey for the Holy Grail of Something to Somewhere.
 He would tell you he wasn't lazy, but reserving his energy for battle, should he ever be called upon for battle (probably with a roast gammon).
 It is assumed that they wandered around asking people questions and stuff until the next interesting challenge came along.
After four days of wandering, the knights came upon a chess enthusiast in a plonk of a tavern claiming to have information as to the whereabouts of the whereabouts the grail they sought.
Chessman: Before me are 8 pieces of a chessboard with pieces in play. White to move, mate in two. Solve this and I'll point you toward what you seek.
After an hour of noodling, a solution was arrived upon...
Sir Weird: Okay, I've got this:
Sir Nicho: I have no idea what I'm doing here.
Sir Ernie: Unless I'm missing something, that doesn't look like a force mate. Why can't the black queen or rook move to C7 after the first move and block the bishop's attack instead of the king moving to D7?
Sir Weird: Yes, the queen can move forward and block the move.
Chessman: Wait, um, yeah, hold on, hold on, hold on. I've got another one for you guys, a correct one. Just bear with me.
...or so they thought.
 Events may not have actually transpired in this manner.
A day passed before the chess enthusiast returned with a new puzzle.
Chessman: Same deal as before. Before me are 8 pieces of a chessboard. White to move, mate in four. Solve this and I'll point you toward what you seek.
Hours passed before a solution materialized.
Sir Weird: Here is the answer:
Sir Weird: I'm going back to sleep now.
Chessman: You've solved the puzzle. I'll keep up my end of the deal.
Sir Weird: Zzzzz....
Chessman: When Sir Weird wakes up, tell him he needs to see a physician. I'm pretty sure he's narcoleptic. Sir Ernie, seek out the Cult of Snugg in Infomercia. Sir Nicho, behind the Tavern is an outhouse with an uproariously hilarious joke book. Sir HahiHa, head west to Castle Pumpernickel and solve the King's challenge. Sir SSTGio, invest in cumin. It's the next big thing.
Of course, none of this was pertinent to the location of the grail, for it was not the grail they sought, but what the grail could give them. And off they journeyed to distant parts, Sir Nicho arriving last to his destination, because who in their right mind wants to pick up a book in an outhouse for the ****s and giggles?
Sir Weird:Huh, wa... who? No I am awake...
Physician:Sir Weird, I am here to help. You suffer from E.D.S and require medication.
Sir Weird:I was just taking a quick nap, never hurt nobody.
Physician:You're still standing up... You could fall on your face and hurt yourself.
Sir Weird:Blasphemy! Point me to the steed and I will be on my way. I must find the grail. For Honor!
After hours of debating and meaningless points being thrown around, it was finally concluded that Sir Weird had fallen asleep again.
Physician:Sir Weird... Sir Weird... **slaps Sir Weird in the face**
Sir Weird:Huh, wa... who? No I am awake...
Physician:... ... ...
A series of wandering eyes looking back and forth at each other with puzzling expressions on their faces.
Physician:The horses are over there. But you can only take one if you eat this "candy".
Sir Weird:I'm going to eat this "candy" but I am highly offended by it.
Sir Weird, approaches the horses with a dismal look on his face, albeit there are others in search for the grail, but he seems to be taking his sweet time. Padding and prodding, searching for just the right horse until...
Sir Weird:A-ha! I found the perfect one!
Physician:That's a mule... Might need to check your eyes while I am here.
Sir Weird:Nonsense, its a small horse commonly referred to as a pony.
Physician:Umm no, that's a mule.
After dressing the mule and getting his gear together Sir Weird jump's atop, ready to go out searching for the grail. It would seem that he has no direction so he decides to let the crossbreed lead the way.
Physician:Sir Weird! The other knights went that a way!
Sir Weird had already fallen asleep atop the mule, It was only a short amount of time when the mule had stopped outside a tavern where there was an outhouse with a small water trough. Sir Weird falls off the mule, looks around and decides to relieve himself before parting on this serious journey. He ties the mule up to the hitching rail and enters the outhouse.
Sir Weird:Ooh, a joke book, and what's this, writing on the wall?
The writing on the wall was in full clarity and read "Sir Nicho was here". Sir Weird chuckled as he starting thumbing through the pages of the joke book. It didn't take long before he read though the book and was getting close to the end. Upon turning the last few pages, Sir Weird looked down at the book and seen that the last few pages had been torn out.
Sir Weird:Dang it, this book was really funny. Now I'll never know the punch-line.
Ready to head out, and with a grave disappointment on the missing punch-line. Sir Weird dropped his last deuce and reached for the toilet paper, finding that it was out, he looked ponderously over at the joke book.
Outside the tavern Sir Weird unhitches the mule, jumps atop again, gives the good old spurring, and falls asleep. Unbeknownst to him the water in the trough was actually alcohol waste from the tavern. Off Sir Weird went into the Forrest, sleeping on a stumbling mule with no idea where he is going or what he is supposed to do.
Meanwhile Sir HahiHa had left and rode fast, westbound, sucking contentedly on the lolly he had won in fair trial *cough* from a village boy. On the way, he stopped at every bread house to ask for directions to Castle Pumpernickel, but none had heard about it.
One evening in a small and gloomy village, sitting in a tavern laughing and gambling with a bunch of good-for-nothings...
Drunken peasant: Oi. You there, stranger.
Sir HahiHa: ...eh?
Drunken peasant: Yeah, you. Shtop grinning menashingly or I'll lose my ale!
Sir HahiHa: I'm a knight, peasant! And I'll grin however I want. What's your business?
Drunken peasant: I 'eard Gilbert (the baker) wasn't very pleased about the rat in'is bedroom *grins*
Sir HahiHa: Shouldn't have mocked a knight!
Drunken peasant: I also heard you were asking for some place. Castle Pumperkinkle... Plumbernickel... sumthing like that. I 'appen to know something b'out that place.
Sir HahiHa: Go on, I'm all ears. Innkeeper! Some pints of ale for me and my friend!
Drunken peasant: Gilbert ain't a bad guy, he just doesn't trust strangers like you. And you gotta admit, that place has a pretty shtupid name! Anyway, it happens that there actually is a pumpickle casdle.
Sir HahiHa: You mean, Castle Pumpernickel?
Drunken peasant: Nay! A 'ole fortress made of puck... er, that weird bread! Shomwhere southwest of 'ere, down a valley. One days worsh of horseback travel. Strange plaish, strange people...
Sir HahiHa: Kind peasant, you rendered me a huge service. Here, have another pint on me.
And so the next morning, Sir HahiHa sallied forth to the southwest, riding all day and so reaching said valley by the evening. Indeed there it was, big, dark, even harder to see in the waning light, a castle whose walls seemed to be made of dense brown indigestible bakery. "The perfect defense", Sir HahiHa thought, in awe. The gate guards, who were luckily not French, let him in, and soon he sat, waiting for an audience with the cunning King of Castle Pumpernickel, wondering what trials awaits him.
Long had the king waited on his farinaceous throne for someone worthy enough to complete his challenge, even if it was a knight from another kingdom, for he was bored. Those who succeeded would find themselves in possession of a wheel of the most delicious ambrosia bread. Those who failed would find themselves baked alive. To Sir HahiHa he posted the first challenge:
King Pumpernickel: In my kingdom are three kinds of hens: hens that lay brown eggs, hens that lay white eggs, and hen that lay blue eggs. Brown eggs are the largest, white the most common, and blue the most expensive used in the most special circumstances. Princess Pumpernickel's birthday is coming soon. Kill me ten hen that will lay the eggs that will be used to bake her birthday pumpernickel.
 It is rumored that ambrosia bread is people, but that's just silly, even for a King who built a castle and throne out of bread.
After some deep thought and mental dead ends with the thought of chicken slaughter at the forefront, Sir HahiHa arrived upon a solution:
Sir HahiHa: If I kill the hens, then they can't lay eggs! And pumpernickel doesn't even need eggs! No hens need be killed.
King Pumpernickel: It seems not all Knights are bloodthirsty bucketheads. You, Sir HahiHa, will not be baked alive today. Take your wheel of ambrosia bread.
And so, Sir HahiHa left, carrying a wheel of bread. He was not a bloodthirsty buckethead. He was a Knight of Armor Games.
 Contrary to rumors, ambrosia bread is actually baked from the finest kittens and puppies, so cute you could just eat them up.
Weeks passed and by some force not unlike fate, the knights, less one, found themselves together again at the home of a tetromancer. Unfortunately, the tetromancer had recently passed away. Fortunately, the tetromancer's notes on the grail still remained.
Unfortunately, it had been tetromanced. Unfortunately, it had also been ciphered.
 It is unknown what happened on the journeys of the other knights, but it is presumed that Sir SSTGio left to manage his merchant business.
The runes glowed slightly.
Sir Nicho: Touch it. I dare you.
Sir Nicho nudged Sir HahiHa.
Sir HahiHa: Ladies first.
Sir Nicho: No, you.
Sir HahiHa slowly extends his arm, his hand nearly touching the etched runes... after hovering there for a few seconds his hand jumped back. Turning to Sir Nicho with a more uncertain than menacing grin, he hesited for a while.
Sir HahiHa: Y'know, maybe touching random glowing things is not the best idea... where is Sir Weird when one needs his passive hand the most? On the other hand, there must be a reason for this sorcery. I am, after all the bearer or a knightly wheel of bread; what evil can happen to me anyway??
Taken by a sudden elan, he thrust his hand against the runes; and his face immediately starts to glow with amazement:
Sir HahiHa: Wow. I... I.... hum. I definitely did not get an illumination. That is impossible! Maybe if I touch it with both hands?
Each runes began to transmute to an array of numbers.
Sir HahiHa: In each number table corresponding to one rune, there is always one letter hidden in combination with a number. Those are in order:
A2 - A7 - E0 - G9 - L1 - N2 - R9 - S1
It has to be some kind of key! Possibly an anagram can be found from the letters a,a,e,g,l,n,r,s. Sir Weird! Sir Nicho! Any ideas?
Sir Weird: No idea, admittedly I never tried to touch the runes. Now that I have I am more stumped then I was before :/
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