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A Purpose ( an inspiration poem written by me)

Posted Jul 4, '08 at 11:27am

jalex12

jalex12

198 posts

Gold - Squire

A Purpose[/i]
By: Alex Melnik(jalex 12)

In a corner,
Essence depleted,
I ponder.

What is my purpose?
Why was I put on this Earth?
As my strength returns,
I stand up.
I see now.
I see the light.

©Alex Melnik.(jalex12)

Posted Jul 4, '08 at 11:29am

jalex12

jalex12

198 posts

Gold - Squire

sorry i had a  mistake here is the better version

A Purpose
By: Alex Melnik (jalex12)

In a corner,       
Essence depleted,
I ponder.

What is my purpose?               
Why was I put on this Earth?
As my strength returns,
I stand up.
I see now.
I see the light.       

©Alex Melnik.(jalex12)

 

Posted Jul 4, '08 at 11:41am

alejandro_

alejandro_

45 posts

Wood - Squire

you double posted. I dont like the poem.

 

Posted Jul 4, '08 at 11:43am

jalex12

jalex12

198 posts

Gold - Squire

oh :( next time explain why you don't like the poem. don't just say

I don't like the poem

. That is considered spam

 

Posted Jul 4, '08 at 11:48am

jalex12

jalex12

198 posts

Gold - Squire

i did not double post on purpose. I had an error and I changed it

 

Posted Jul 4, '08 at 12:00pm

jalex12

jalex12

198 posts

Gold - Squire

no one read my poem :.(

 

Posted Jul 4, '08 at 12:11pm

dizzyk

dizzyk

446 posts

Wood - Knight

consider the rythm of your poem a bit more because there isn't one.

First stanza don't use the word ponder.  Otherwise it's okay.

The second stanza is not so great.  The two questions are basically asking the same thing and you only need to put one of them there, if either of them, The line that starts "as my strenght returns"  should be it's own stanza as it is a change from the two lines above it.

So you know my credentials, I am a English major at college, so I know a little about poetry.

Good luck. Keep up the work.

 

Posted Jul 4, '08 at 12:12pm

dizzyk

dizzyk

446 posts

Wood - Knight

I'm sorry, the line that begins "as my strength returns" should be the START of a new stanza not a new stanza in and of its self.

 

Posted Jul 4, '08 at 12:15pm

jalex12

jalex12

198 posts

Gold - Squire

oh thank u for the advice but I like it better this way

 

Posted Jul 5, '08 at 1:26pm

jalex12

jalex12

198 posts

Gold - Squire

A Purpose
By: Alex Melnik (jalex12)

In a corner,       
Essence depleted,
I ponder.

What is my purpose?               
Why was I put on this Earth?
As my strength returns,
I stand up.
I see now.
I see the light.       

©Alex Melnik.(jalex12)

 

Posted Jul 5, '08 at 1:59pm

dizzyk

dizzyk

446 posts

Wood - Knight

whatever floats your boat.

I would suggest, if you're at all serious about writing poetry to start reading a lot of it all styles.  I would start with the big names, e.e. Cumming, William Shakespeare (of course), T.S. Eliot is probably a little beyong you at this point, Sherwood Anderson, Allen Ginsberg, Charles Bukowski to name a few different types.

Also remember that poetry is meant to  be read aloud.  It's almost music.  So try reading your poem outloud. Play with rythm and meter until it SOUNDS good.
And practice. 

Here is a recent one I wrote.

What is in the Night

I do everything better at night
in the window-blind shut world,
and too when my eyes are drawn tight

the sweetest sleep is the one I can't remember,
the long and lost December,
like the virginity left in
some no-named girl's closet.

All creations fail in the light.
My muse is the nothing black, something I can't hold.

My smile lines will not be beautiful when I am older
each flaw screaming in the sun.

Taste the tart, tame bite of failure in one life,
and **** the celestial bodies of the next.
**** each and every light,
bless only the sight surrender.

I do everything better at night,
love, die and create, each the same.

 
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