ForumsArt, Music, and WritingThe Horizon Coming....

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Scarlet53
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Scarlet53
167 posts
Shepherd

I look up at the sky,
Knowing what I will see,
A shining star stares back at me
A single star,
A wonder star,
Yet it shines from a far,

I look to the forest,
Knowing
the animals asleep,
With such grace they awake,
With the coming dawn of morning
And that's when I see,
The sun arising.

  • 5 Replies
awsomejazz123
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awsomejazz123
346 posts
Scribe

That, was beautiful Scarlet53. It was nothing short of perfection.

pangtongshu
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pangtongshu
9,815 posts
Jester

One of the big things with poems like these is the flow and connection with the two verses, something you should work on.
-you have the first verse with 6 lines, then (unnecessarily, I might add) have the second one containing 7.
--your 4th and 5th line in your first verse are very to the point, while the corresponding lines in the following verse are dancing around an action and are drawn out.
-you have literally no connection for your verses. I understand you are shooting towards the recognizing of nature and its beauty, but you jump from gazing at the stars (actually, just gazing at our sun..which is just plain odd) to gazing in the woods. And on top of it, you mention the single star, which I can only infer means our sun...this then begs the questions as to 1) why you are staring at the sun? And 2) why the animals of the forest are sleeping with the sun out?

Like I said, I understand what you are striving for, but the structure of the work makes it come across very clunky and forced, while the subject matter falls on inconsistencies

(P.S. if you couldn't guess from my statement, there is no reason to break up "knowing the animals are asleep" like you did)

awsomejazz123
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awsomejazz123
346 posts
Scribe

Thank you @pangtongshu I'll keep that in mind the next time I make a poem 😊

Scarlet53
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Scarlet53
167 posts
Shepherd

You made one too @awsomejazz123?

awsomejazz123
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awsomejazz123
346 posts
Scribe

At school yes, no wonder I got A C-

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