You're starting to write by showing not telling, but the treatment isn't entirely consistent just yet- lapsing into more prosaic, explanatory segments rather than exploratory images. But it's getting somewhere- just sometimes, less really is more.
This poetry leans towards the modernist movement of the early to mid 20th century...check out T.S. Eliot in particular, for example, The Love Song of J. Albert Prufrock.
