Please tell me what you think. I am a first time story writer, and this is my first story. Please give feedback.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Intro~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Have you ever wondered about life? Life is a curious thing. You are born, only to die. This is the same process on the planet Alaapokees. Alapokians are short little fellows, with pointed ears, and rounded noses. The tallest only come up to 4 feet tall.
Alaapokees is a small planet, only 9000 kilometers round. One tribe, deep inside Depthar, the forest of the Kingland, has a dark past. Many terrible wizards have come and taken away children, and slaughtered their parents. But there is hope. One Alaapokian named Drivthar has a special power. One only known to the tribe (the tribe's name is Wertha) Drivthar himself doesn't know about it. Until one day....
Intro Over. I will add on later. Please give me feedback!
It is obvious from your writing that you don't have much experience in the art of writing. Your text just doesn't flow like it needs too.
"Drivthar knew Christrew was a big fan of school, so that would get him through. You see, Christrew was so freindly to Drivthar, sometimes he wouldn't let him go, he would just talk to Drivthar."
I just don't like this. It sounds childish and poorly written. I would probably change this specific piece to something along these lines:
"Christrew regarded education in the highest, so Drivthar knew he could use school as an excuse to get by without staying to talk too long. Christrew's warm personality led him to carry conversations out much longer than they should, and Drivthar really needed to get by right now."
Something like that. That's really rough, but all I'm saying is that you need to expand your vocabulary a little bit. The verbs, nouns and adjectives I've seen you using so far have been stale and elementary. Also, try to use some interesting grammatical forms to catch reader's interests.
guys... u realize that its elementry..becuase its meant for ppl at a young age.. how do u not see that?its a made up tale as in fairy tale.. most kids read this and dont understand half of the descriptions.. so get off the fact that its not descriptive enough.. cuz its not suppose to be...
I'm trying to help him/her by making an observation and suggesting a correction.
Also, MoNKeY, this is not "obviously meant for people at a young age". Besides, should little kid books be less quality? No, it is supposed to be a descriptive story, and why would Flappy post it on this forum if it were meant for little kids?
