Forums → Art, Music, and Writing → Periodic Poetry Contest - Theme: Touch of Truth (Page 390, due Jan. 28)
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First, I will post the overall rules, and then I will post the specifics about this week.
Original rules, as stated by Ubertuna:
It must fit the week's theme.
It must be submitted by the deadline.
It cannot have inappropriate language in it.
It cannot be stolen (if you plagiarize, we will find you).
Also:
The poem must be created for this contest
A user cannot win two weeks in a row (though everyone is welcome to submit every week!)
Only one submission per user will be accepted
As we all know, the winner will recieve a merit, and their poem will be featured on the _Poetry_ page.
OK, on to this week's topic...Again, we are having a style instead of a theme. Also, this week we are having TWO WEEKS to do it, instead of the usual one. Why? Because this will be an EPIC poem. Or, rather, a parody of an epic poem. Generally, epic poetry is very long, and tells the serious story of a heroic figure. Well, this week, the epic figure is YOU! Write a long poem (I'll leave the definition of 'long' up to you, but give it a good go) about the heroic story of you! It can be silly, serious, whatever... just have fun with it. You have two weeks, so have a great time!
- 3,868 Replies
A poem after my own heart, Ernie! Chinese accent plus iambic pentameter had me laughing.
@Ernie, yours is great. The italian accent really shows, and it tells a great story.
You aren't the only one who asked to be judged. I looked back on your messenger and on here and Moat hasn't said anything, so you cant assume that.
Oh, I know he hasn't decided. But yes, I can assume that. Although I haven't - I asked if I was, or if he was still deciding. Certainly that is not an assumption that I was chosen.
Ernie15: Your poem made me laugh so hard! And now I'm hungry 'cause you talked about spaghetti.
Hello, this is Moat, and I bring good news
There's a new judge(though it twas hard to choose)
Okay, seriously, I'll stop rhyming now.
Drumroll, please?
*silence*
...drumroll is too much to ask?
Jonathan: Well...there's not really anyone who knows how to drum in here...
Fine! Drumroll with hands please?
*drumroll*
The new poetry judge is thisisnotanalt. But I am grateful to everybody who volunteered(as being judge is harder than it looks). Either way, we have our judge and-
*drumroll*
You can stop the drumroll now.
*pause*
That's better. Now, as I was saying-
*drumroll*
...
*DEAFENING DRUMROLL*
AS I WAS SAYING, NOW THAT WE HAVE OUR JUDGE(THISISNOTANALT) THE POETRY CONTEST CAN CONTINUE AS USUAL. CONGRATULATIONS TO ALT!
*drumroll stops*
*cheering, applause*
And...yeah, let the games continue. I just want to say that it was hard to choose and-
*cheering applause continues*
Yes, I know we're all happy that Alt is judge, but-
*DEAFENING APPLAUSE/CHEERING*
*Moat cheers*
*audience stops, stares*
*Moat clears throat* But as I was saying, we did have a lot of great people volunteer for the job. So...err...yeah, just carry on, I guess.
Woohoo, me be da judge. Deadline is the 9th, right? Ill have the verdict by the 9th or 10th.
Absolutely wonderful Alt, absolutely wonderful.....
Just a little queer the theme this time.
Never set a theme on an empty stomach. That's all the advice I have to give to you, alt.
Huwwo everybodeh, tiem to judge. This is my first judging in a while, so bear with me. I always offer a crit on all of the poems, as long as there aren't too many of them, lol. I'll post the winner and 2nd place, then all the runner-ups in no particular order.
Cheesemaker - Foreign foods
You come home from work,
Or maybe from school.
You want to eat something.
Something thats cool.
"Let's get some Chinese!"
"We can not, so-"
"Maybe Italian?"
"I just said no!"
Nobody lets you,
Eat what you want.
Not out of a bowl
Or even a pot.
You want some spaghetti,
meatballs, tomatos.
Or maybe some curry,
Dumplings, potatoes.
You'll eat with a knife,
a fork, or a spoon.
You'll learn to use chopsticks.
It's never too soon!
You want something foreign,
But still a bit changed.
You want it faster
than firstly arranged.
Italian's "slow food".
Chinese equals "fast food".
Fast is a plus,
Slow changes our mood...
I like the meter you've created here - it's exuberant and vivacious, and adds a lot of feel to the poem that would be absent otherwise. It sounds and feels like an upbeat conversation when it's an upbeat conversation, and an energetic musing when it's an energetic musing. My only complaint is that some of the rhymes feel kinda shoehorned in - like the school/cool rhyme in the first stanza and the food/mood rhyme in the last one. I'd say that the best course of action for you would be to broaden your poetry vocab and explore some more unconventional rhymes because you're very good with rhythm already. There're only one or two slipups on the meter, which is admirable. Overall a solid poem.
Jonnycakes - Oh, the Choices . . . .
You drive your car down the street
Hoped to spare your aching feet
Cook? Nah, you aren't in the mood
So let's get some foreign food!
Zeus's Grill has some real good Greek
Inspector found rats there; eek!
So Greek is out...how 'bout German?
No way; they too have vermin!
How 'bout a Japan dish?
No way, I won't eat raw fish!
All right, how about Chinese?
Okay! Let's get the cuisine
Chicken lo mein; noodles, too!
Ah, you're such a helpless dork:
can't use chopsticks? Take a fork!
Wait...is that an eyeball? EW!
Forget Chinese, that's just wrong
One second there was too long
But I do like Italian
Especially the bouillon
Too expensive; ninety bucks!
Forget it...this just plains sucks
Let's go home, and home we'll stay
I like good old PBJ
I think your meter is off here. The rhythm is a bit spastic. You may want to avoid using semicolons and ellipses so much, because they substantially contribute to the scrambledness of the meter and rhythm. Your rhymes are much better, however, with some good rhymes, like the stay/PBJ rhyme at the end, and some are just plain acrobatic, like the German/vermin one. The smartness of your rhyme is a bit lost on the rhythm in some instances, though. If you adjust it some, you'll have a great poem on your hands.
EnterOrion - Bene Italiano
Eating all the delicious spices,
Pity they're such expensive prices.
The tomato sauce is perfect for me,
The epic noodles are the key.
Overall the meatballs are epic,
Once I'm done, the crumbs are microscopic.
I like the shortness and sweetness of the poem - I think it's really the perfect length. The rhythm and rhyme start out good, and the only two problems I have with it are the reuse of the word 'epic' - which messes up the rhythm of the piece. Also, the last line has a few too many syllables, and the epic/microscopic rhyme doesn't flow too well. The first half of the poem is fantastic, but the second half requires work for it to live up to the first part.
AAAAAAND IN A CLOSE MATCH, WE HAVE THE SECOND PLACE FINISHER, THE WONDERFUL SINGAPOREAN FAAAAAAAAABBBIIIAAANNN~~~ The Woes of the Chinese in America
Stride into the store all spruced up,
Me, dressed to the nines,
Balked at the dishes and cups,
Snorted at the poor rice wine.
Glare at the waiters in disdain,
Scorn the fake Oriental decor,
Authentic Qing dresses they claim,
Walked past the 'Japanese' paper door.
It's absurd I mutter inwardly,
Genuine Chinese and Asian,
And they think this even remotely,
So I tick in frustration.
Sir, a bowl of chop suey?
By the Gods no what's that really?
Sir, a bowl of chow mein?
No my chap, not if I'm insane.
The sesame chicken covered in oil,
Fried rice that's burnt and tasteless,
It's enough for my blood to boil,
It'll leave any Chinese chef faceless.
Egg roll if you're not hungry?
Bite in, the oil destroys my taste buds,
Wonton soup to quench your thirst?
I'd rather die than drink that mud.
Little paper boxes of noodles,
My ancestors flipping in the graves,
**** it, just use Google,
And show real Chinese food I crave.
Neon pink sauce for fried dough,
It tastes artificial, waiter!
Fortune cookies just for show,
By cash, bring the bill later.
It's a nightmare little Asian,
American Chinatowns serve food,
Utterly alien to a Chinese fellow,
It leaves me crying,
It leaves me stomping out the shop,
I'm catching the next flight to Beijing.
This is an interesting poem, fo sho. The third, fourth, fifth, and 8th stanzas are fantastic, but the others are really just good. As expected, your rhymes are consistently great, without any real hiccups. A few of the lines seem a bit short on syllables, like the third line in the seventh stanza, so you may want to add in one syllable to balance it out a bit. Another quick thing, on the enjambment you have in the last stanza, it's best not to end the first enjambed line (in this case the 2nd line in the last stanza) so the direct relation to the next line is fleshed out a bit more. The thing keeping this out of first place are the small niggling syllable problems, of which you have a greater frequency of than Ernie does. Really though, this was almost a photo finish, and I must say both of you did an exceptional job. However, I'm gonna need to give first place to . . . .
ERNIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!11111!1!1!11!11!!!!!!!!!!111!!1111!1!1
Anyway, here's his entry, An Italian in a Chinese Eatery
Oh, mamma mia, this place sure looks great!
It's such a shame that I already ate,
I'll go inside, no matter how I feel
'Cause I am in the mood for one more meal!
Hello, fat man, may I take order please?
Why certainly, I'll have meatballs with cheese.
Sir, we do not serve cheese in our rest'rant.
You'll have to pick a new dish that you want.
You got spaghetti? I don't need the cheese.
No, we have no spaghetti. Change mind, please.
Perhaps look at our menu, for the best.
I don't like reading. What do you suggest?
The kung pao chicken is delectable,
With steamed rice and assorted vegetable
Our wonton soup makes even grown men cry...
Do you have any pasta I could try?
We do have noodles, if that's what you mean.
We famous for our godly pork chow-mein.
Does that come in a marinara sauce?
Marinara what? You've got me lost.
Do you have any Italian food?
I don't want to reject or to be rude,
But I don't see a meatball anywhere,
Take it somewhere else, I do not care!
Reading this poem made me smile - it has an affability to it, a nice charm. The first stanza is almost songlike, with a great conversational flow to it. The third, fourth, and fifth are also great, with a good flow going. This poem would me a mess without your diligent use of punctuation, so you deserve notice for that. I did find in the second and sixth stanzas have some syllable hiccups, however, like the second line in the second one, where it seems like you need another syllable between 'meatballs' and 'cheese,' whereas the third line is a bit bloated. In the sixth stanze, another comma in the second line between 'reject' and 'rude' would do it good, so as to balance it out with the rest of the stanza. You and Nich both did a great job, and this was a very difficult decision for me. Still, though, congrats on getting another win. Contact a mod for da meritzorz.
New Theme: The Air(meaning anything having to do with the term air, be it the wind, or a scent or feel, or, like, altitude, maaan, something like that)
Deadline: Saturday, April 17th
lol @ M00CH. xD
Air
You cannot see it,
taste it,
but feel it.
As it bristles through the great willows.
Whispering your name.
It's impecable greateness,
fluid motions,
antiquity.
As it brings the sweet aromas of life.
Mocking you.
It holds what we breath,
it's something we never understood,
a force of nature,
strong, yet gentle,
right here right now.
Beneath the blossoms of the tree.
Living our last moments.
We breath it in.
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