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The bright moon pierced the veil of rain that hung over the land like a curtain, illuminating the lone figure running through the tall grass. He had to escape. He could hear his pursuers behind him, communicating in gruff whispers. They were faster than him, and stronger too. His only hope was to keep running. He heard the faint twang of a bowstring and yelled aloud as the barb pierced his left thigh. He siliently cursed their good aim. He stumbled and fell, breaking the shaft off, but leaving the arrowhead imbedded in his flesh. He stood quickly and continued running. Instead of ignoring the wound in his leg, he focused on it. Any pain was better than the pain he held in his hear. It was her fault. How could she have done this to him? She was a traitor: to country, to friendship, to love. He shook his head clear of all thoughts of her. She didn't matter. All that mattered was survival.
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Well, this was a little bit too little information. :P
Is this going to be continued?
I have NO idea. It popped into my head. I wrote it down. Who knows where it'll go from here?
Other than that it could use some proper paragraphs, I can't find anything wrong with it at all
This is something like my own writing style, too, so it sounded almost familiar. And I loved reading it!
Only thing is... it's so short ^^; a shame!
You could make it a little longer by describing more, but I guess that might be my style, not other's. May I give it a try?
The bright moon pierced the veil of rain that hung over the land like a curtain, illuminating the lone figure running through the tall grass. He had to escape. He could hear his pursuers behind him, communicating in gruff whispers.
The bright moon pierced the veil of rain, giving a hope of the rain stopping soon. It had been raining for long now, making the roads slippery and traveling almost impossible. The bright rays illuminated a lone figure, making his way through the tall grass, the earth threatening to make him fall as he ran.
He had to escape, he had to, if not... His thoughts were cut short at the sound of the gruff voices behind him, the persuers calling out for eachother like wolves on a hunt. And he was their prey. If they only had been wolves...
TOKEN DISSIDENT TIME!
This is a good setup, but in fact I would actually tighten things up to give even less. More information would be ideally revealed as the plot develops. So assuming this were, say, the opening of a novel or even short story, I'll get out my harshest pair of critiquing glasses and hack away:
Instead of this,
He could hear his pursuers behind him, communicating in gruff whispers.
Try this: "He could hear the harsh muttering of his pursuers". Unless we can assume that they are behind him; you may wish to add "from behind" if you want. Also it's really hard to whisper while running but hey, maybe these guys can do it, again up to you.
He siliently cursed their good aim.
Try "markmanship" instead of "good aim". A bit nitpicky, I know, but imho it works better
It was her fault. How could she have done this to him?
Possibly a bit overwritten, especially in the circumstances. If you do extend this I'm sure there will be good opportunity to dwell on this crucial motivation. Also it looks too angsty so I would actually drop these lines altogether.
He shook his head clear of all thoughts of her. She didn't matter. All that mattered was survival.
The "all that mattered" sentence is an important emphasis, so I would tighten up the first half so you're not emphasising too many things. Maybe: "He shook his head clear; she didn't matter. All that mattered..."
Hope that helps.
Thank you all for the feedback. I will work on developing this a bit more.
This sounds great. It reminds me slightly of the settings in Mel Gibsons Apocalipto, and also Lost. But still it got it's own taste. It seems like a good introduction for a long, and amazing book. In the next chapter we could find out why and what was going on.
Interesting.
Ok Strop. You dissidenter!
I must say I wasn't planning on continuing this actually, so it was a bit overwritten, yes, to get particular points across. I have now decided to extend it and will be working on the next installment, which will be quite a bit longer, by the way.
Try this: "He could hear the harsh muttering of his pursuers". Unless we can assume that they are behind him; you may wish to add "from behind" if you want. Also it's really hard to whisper while running but hey, maybe these guys can do it, again up to you.
Who's to say they're human? Or even alive. Don't judge anatomical charateristics of the respiratory system and vocal chords before you know who it's talking about.
Ok guys! Here it is! The first installment of this story. Remade and redone. Let me know what you think of it. (The first couple of paragraphs are the original with some changes, but there is a WHOLE lot more)
Here goes:
Prologue
The bright moon pierced the veil of rain that hung over the land like a curtain, illuminating the lone figure running through the tall grass, He had to escape. The muffled mutterings of his pursuers could be heard behind him. They were faster than him, and stronger too. His only hope was to keep running.
He heard the faint twang of a bowstring and yelled aloud as the barb pierced his left thigh, ripping muscle and flesh. He stumbled and fell, breaking the shaft off, but leaving the arrowhead imbedded deep inside his leg. He silently cursed their skillful markmanship as he stood and continued running.
His injury hurt, but instead of ignoring the paing, he focused on it. For he held an even greater pain: the pain in his heart. Any other wound, physical or otherwise, paled in comparison. This was her fault. How could she have done this to him? She was a traitor: to country, to friendship, to love...
He shook his head clear of all thoughts. She no longer mattered. All that mattered now was survival.
The men following him were closer now. No. Not men. Monsters. Cruel heartless beasts masquerading as humans. Humans who would kill for a few pieces of gold, and some merely for the pleasure of hearing their victims scream.
He stopped short as a cliff prevented any further escape. He cursed his luck as he peered out over the edge into the blackness below. The moon reflected off of water that was at least several hundred meters below him. He could also see rocks. Very sharp, deadly rocks. There would be no escape in this direction, unless it be the sweetest escape of all: death.
He turned as he heard his pursuers approaching. They were all there: the man with one eye who held a bow and arrow, the man with the huge scar across his face, the one clad completely in black armor, the one with skin as white as snow, and their leader, the most fearsome one of all. His eyes were red, like blood, and his teeth were pure white. Long black hair hung to his knees, and, in his right hand, he gripped the most terrible battle axe ever to be imagined.
He raised the axe menacingly as he approached the young mand glaring defiantly from the edge of the cliff. "You would do well to come with us. Our master wishes to speak with you"
His voice was smooth, and washed over the yound man like a cleansing wave, making him drowsy. There were forces at work here that would have best been left alone.
The man shook his head, freeing himself from the magic of his enemy's voice. "You can't have me! I won't let you do this to my people!" He took a step backwards towards the edge. His opponent's unease became clear as he took a hesitant step forward.
"Please. Don't throw your life away!" That voice again, carressing him, calming him.
"Why? Because your master would rather steal it from me than have me give it away myself?" He spit at the axe-wielder and took one final step backwards and fell off the cliff.
Everything was lost in a rush of wind as he plummetted towards the rocks and water below. The wound in his leg throbbed.
"That's going to get infected," he whispered to himself. It's strange what you think about in the seconds before your death...
Very detailed words.
But I really don't know where the plot is heading >.>
well you're not supposed to know where its heading yet. It's all in my mind. I'm working on the next section. It'll be up in a day or two.
...
Wow.
The last installment really blew me away.
A lot more information would do some good. While I agree this has no plot, this is the type of story I write, too. While I do do a little bit of background of information from time to time, I like the mystery of the character setting.
Very nice job.
*Applauds*
well thank you. Yes, there is no EVIDENT plot line yet, and you probably won't be able to see it until three or four more installments. But it's all there. And it all comes together. So stick with it for a while. It's probably the best story I've come up with, and I've come up with quite a few. ugh. I ALSO notice I wrote everything perfectly till like right at the end when I make three typos in a row...
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