Forums → Art, Music, and Writing → First Kill - Fiction
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Well, everybody is doing it, so why not.
Thread of only this little piece of... [...] text.
Warnings for violence, physical abuse, mental abuse and Kai.
Another warning because it is OMG TEXT! and is faily old (about a half/three quarters of a year or something like that.
And last, but not least, warning for the crappy ending. It hurts a little now, but I could not cut it off.
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´You have no reason to live!´ The child was pushed hard against a tree, the knotted skin of this particular kind was much like being pushed against barbed wire. He was crying again, another sign of his weakness. Cried from the pain, the pain from the punches, the kicks, the wounds, the broken fingers, why'd they have to break his fingers, why not an arm, a leg, his neck... The thoughts made him shiver, and the yelling kept going on and on and on and on, more punches, kicks, more tears. ´You are a disappointment, not useful, you can't do anything, you can't keep on believing, there's no reason to do do, you just have to lay down and die you bastard you´ Eventually he stopped remembering the word, they were there, he heard them, but he didn't understand, he didn't care.
Not even the pain seemed to be noticed, his empty blue eyes just staring into the pale grey of the dragonman, the one who kept on shouting, scolding, hitting, kicking, giving pain, so much pain, just give up, can't hold on to this silly little life, end it, end it!
And then the anthro stopped, his eyes twitching a little before he fell, the sharp dagger still in his chest. The poison soon finished his life. And the boy just stood there crying, his eyes empty blue orbs in his pale face, seeing nothing, his small beaten body not sensing anything, not even when he himself fell. His mind shut.
His very first kill. He kept being sick. Threw up. Wounds not healing, pain flooded his body every time he just thought about moving. He couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't think. Empty.
But They were happy. He didn't care why, it didn't mean anything to him, Their words, Their praises, later Them trying to get him up, Their anger, Their punishment, Them, Them, Them....
He just wanted one thing.
"I'm sorry to hear about all that... I, I didn't know that you..." The young man looked at him, he was only a few years older than the lad, who just sat there, smiling vaguely in the dim lighted room. He seemed to be observing the doctor, and still seemed some place else. The blonde man stood, began another walk on the floor, the third one in the past hour. "How... If I may ask, did you manage to keep on... Living?" The lad smiled, somewhat amused by this natural question. "I just did. I figured out that when so many hate me, I would make them happy, if I just gave up. I wanted to torture them." He blinked, smiled calmly at the doctor. "And hoped that I would find something to live for along the way, a purpose, or a reason, whatever came first." He ran his finger through the tangled dark red hair, still observing, still very far away. The blonde stood, blinking a few times, shocked, curious, surprised by this idea of a ten-year-old thinking something, anything like that. This might just be the man in front of him teasing, his smile too calm, the idea too... "Kai, there is no way..." "And yet here I am." The lad smiled calmly, rising from the soft chair. "But maybe it was just the stupid wish of a child to see his mother again."
The men shook hands, the doctor mumbling about stop mocking him, the lad just laughing, not answering. The redhair left the room.
'Did it go well?' The sparkling blue eyes seemed to look right trough him, and yet she still asked, not being tricked by the calm smiles and the assuring word any more, she'd known him too long to fall for that kind of tricks. "It was okay, Fab is still learning, and I'm still closed up, as he says." The mazzelh looked him in the eyes, her own full of worry. "I'm fine, really. I just need some sleep." A smile, not calm, just warm and loving, that was what she got, but it was enough for now. She didn't want to know, he didn't want to tell, the pain still a part of him, only slowly replaced by the warmth of his mate, and the fact that she loved him, even through times like these. He kissed her, loving her with all his body, his mind, his soul.
He had found it, hopefully it would last forever.
- 11 Replies
Oh yeah, I remember now. I read this when I was browsing your FA page (ninja stalker me!)
"The second is...yes. Much easier."
Thing about child soldiers: as a rule they are messed up and usually incapable of mainstream life. This is why I opted to erase Strop's "assassin" background some years ago, instead keeping it in another character who now suffers from severe post-traumatic stress disorder and can't find work except as a hired gun in a lawless city.
I only know the bare bones of Kai's backstory but from how you portray him I assume that he already has the appropriately bad dreams and suicidal/self-harming tendencies, but further to that I would expect him to have a lot of paranoid delusions and immense difficulty getting close to people. Or else he has a split/dissociative personality disorder.
hing about child soldiers: as a rule they are messed up and usually incapable of mainstream life.
Indeed. From my school psychology days i remember that if kids do not form attatchments in early life they will lose the ability to do so as an adult, at least according to the continuity hypothesis. But there have been many studies supporting this.
Still, good story but
The mazzelh looked him in the eyes,
didnt see that comming. Seems kind of out of tone with the brutality of the story if you dont mind me saying.
kids do not form attatchments in early life they will lose the ability to do so as an adult
From experience, I'm under the impression it would be rather impaired (anywhere from slightly to irreversibly depending on specific deprivation/trauma etc.) Kai's background seems rather intense and, from what I know, generally devoid of attachments...
*is in a extremely bad mood*
Uhm, take in mind that Kai is not an adult (though he looks like one). He still try to find safety, but gaining his trust either happen, or not. All of him is extremely confussing, which means he have produced, well, not a clear split personality, but he tend to become cold and distant when on a mission, not really recognizing people he should know, when it is on its worst. He just closes up, and seem to ignore what happen, like it isn't him being there, doing these things, unlike when he is stealing.
Usually living in a castle with a hundred people around him all the time, he is very much alone, either hiding in his room, under the bed or in his closet, or on the roof.
It have become a little better, mainly because of Yazz and Fab (his psychiatrist), who try to keep him going, when he is down. Still he have a tendency to break down when under stress or pressure, usually feeling unworthy to live and trying to harm himself by scratching up his sides and biting either hands or lips, or more cutting. Anger is vented out by excessive training, driving him to faint from exhaustion, or hammer his hands against the walls for half an hour.
Avoiding to eat and sleep, drinking almost nothing, those problems are still there, though many have tried to - cure him. When he was younger he ate pills like it was candy, to get the pain to stop, cut himself badly (again to make the pain stop), drank quite a lot too. Being who he is, it didn't really help (sururrians desolve chemicals with an excellent speed, making them more or less impossible to poison, and it is hard for them to get and keep drunk for a longer period of time. Painkillers are nonexisting)
Uhm, yes. I often find myself being sure he is a "Gary Sue" (just look at him!!), well... At least killing is not a big part of his job...
/rant
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Well, to explain. The top part is a - memory, the middle part is present, as well as the last part. It was written in a comment box somewhere else, because I was feeling very down. It was back when Zophia and I was a couple, and she made me so angry and sad and.. Stuff... Think it might explain nothing but the weird signs....
I only know the bare bones of Kai's backstory but from how you portray him I assume that he already has the appropriately bad dreams and suicidal/self-harming tendencies, but further to that I would expect him to have a lot of paranoid delusions and immense difficulty getting close to people. Or else he has a split/dissociative personality disorder.Bad dreams, check. Tendencies, check. Getting close to people... Possibly in some ways, but I'm not sure about that one... Delusions, no idea. Personality disorder, well, what Cen said.
didnt see that comming. Seems kind of out of tone with the brutality of the story if you dont mind me saying.Probably included after the rest to display part of what helped keep him going...
From experience, I'm under the impression it would be rather impaired (anywhere from slightly to irreversibly depending on specific deprivation/trauma etc.) Kai's background seems rather intense and, from what I know, generally devoid of attachments...He had his (foster) parents before the Government took him... Was rather attached to them...
Btw, Cenere, when did he start scratching up his sides? That's a relatively new habit, isn't it?
Well, to explain. The top part is a - memory, the middle part is present, as well as the last part. It was written in a comment box somewhere else, because I was feeling very down. It was back when Zophia and I was a couple, and she made me so angry and sad and.. Stuff... Think it might explain nothing but the weird signs....I went back and read that journal entry when I saw you posted this... That really stung... Meh... I think you have once again blown your cover, dear.
Still sorry.
Btw, Cenere, when did he start scratching up his sides? That's a relatively new habit, isn't it?
Old habit comming back, I think. It tend to happen because he 'hug' himself, holding tightly. Hmm, last time was when he was fourteen, so long time ago.
I went back and read that journal entry when I saw you posted this... That really stung... Meh... I think you have once again blown your cover, dear.
Still sorry.
What cover? Just because people know we have been a couple? I thought they knew already. Anyway, no one is reading this anyway.
Getting close to people... Possibly in some ways, but I'm not sure about that one... Delusions, no idea.
Dislike of the Government in general, males too, drunks, doctors and shrinks = do avoid, Teachers and people trying to help is something he avoids a little bit too,
Well, bad dreams and audiotorial hallucinations?
But, he is no more than a character.
Old habit comming back, I think. It tend to happen because he 'hug' himself, holding tightly. Hmm, last time was when he was fourteen, so long time ago.Ah... He should talk with Fab again sometime soon, shouldn't he...
What cover? Just because people know we have been a couple? I thought they knew already. Anyway, no one is reading this anyway.Not that many knew, really. Though I guess people who have actually put a second thought to the Kai/Yazz art should know... And that cover. *points at lord hat*
But, he is no more than a character.Righhht.
Ah... He should talk with Fab again sometime soon, shouldn't he...
He is at AG now, so that will have to wait.
Not that many knew, really. Though I guess people who have actually put a second thought to the Kai/Yazz art should know... And that cover. *points at lord hat*
Uhm, you are blowing whatever cover there is by 1) saying there is a cover, 2) keep commenting on it with a cover-blower.... *sigh* People who know, well, they understand, people who does not know, they still did not know > >
Righhht.
In this context. I have not experianced much, if any of what he have been put through. I would never be able to make him 100 percent realistic, because I do not have the experiance.
Heh, took me a while to stop Orlestat from being a Gary Sue. I had to more strongly model him off the martial-arts villain archetype for that to happen.
For your part, I'm actually reminded slightly of Jason Bourne.
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