ForumsArt, Music, and WritingUntitled story

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Njaard
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Njaard
132 posts
Nomad

She was dead, gone never to come back. In a way, he was dead too. She had been a big part of him for way too long. He would never hear her laugh, nor speak. Not even cry. He could only feel pain; His heart had become a dark shell of its former self, his mind poisoned with evil thoughts. He was no longer a man; He had become a monster.

Dunno if it's any good. Any tips?

  • 10 Replies
Njaard
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Njaard
132 posts
Nomad

And if you didnt understand - Its only the beginning of it; I will continue if you guys want me to

samy
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samy
4,874 posts
Nomad

Good, but very cliched you need to a work a bit on word choice. Also again you need to expan it more again the plot is very cliched. But ok 6.5/10. You can work on it and make it better.

Njaard
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Njaard
132 posts
Nomad

This is just a description to kinda explain his future actions, the plot hasn't begun yet. And the bad choice of words are because I'm norwegian, so english isn't my native language. Thanks for the constructive criticism anyways

samy
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samy
4,874 posts
Nomad

Haha welcome, but I suggest making a plot that doesn't reflect other works due again the cliché but I'm looking forward to the rest!

Njaard
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Njaard
132 posts
Nomad

Bump

Njaard
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Njaard
132 posts
Nomad

Nobody seems to be interested

ElvenWarlord3912
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ElvenWarlord3912
36 posts
Nomad

I am VERY interested. It is good. Reminds me sort of like my style of writing. I would like it if you continued it. It seems like it could become a great story. Check out my thread "Survival". I started out with something like what you have here, got inspired, and started a whole story. Check it out!

kevin44
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kevin44
1,780 posts
Jester

Yeah this is very good, especially considering you're Norwegian. I liked it a lot and I'm waiting for more.

Njaard
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Njaard
132 posts
Nomad

Ok, I'll continue it later, then.

Strop
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Strop
10,817 posts
Bard

If you write this as a story of redemption it could be epic.

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