Nicho's Writing Thread [Archives on Pg 47]

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offline

14,987 posts

Grand Duke

Posted July 23, '09 2:41pm UTC

Now Or Never, Now And Forever

The dark figure inhaled deeply, emptying his hand of the fine white powder. The substance coursed through his nostrils, leaving a slightly burning sensation. It calmed him down greatly, lulling him into an almost meditative trance, slightly dreamy, but alert as always. Peace is with you Fabian.

The other man sat lazily in his leather chair. Cropped white hair, enough gold jewelry to gold leaf the Empire State Building, thirty years of experience under his belt. This was not a man to be trifled with.

'My Son is you ready?'

'Yes Master. Whenever you are.'

'Good good. We have to leave in two hours. Go prepare the package. And do whatever you need to.'

'All in good time Master.'

The brass doorknob clicked as I left the room.

--------------------

Fifteen years has been a long time. Fifteen years of steady training. Fifteen years of suppressing the urge. Fifteen years of silent pursuit. Fifteen years of planning. Fifteen years to prepare me for this final mission. A very long time indeed. But we'll get there in the end. We always have, we always have.

I winked at myself in the mirror, as a panther would while stalking at its prey. Tonight, it would be done. Tonight, I'll satisfy my lust. Tonight would be the night of my final paradise. It would be quick, very quick. Oh, and it would last forever.

---------------------
The hot shower hit me, relaxing me. Always good to look your best. Especially tonight. Yeah tonight, the big night, I couldn't afford to appear sloppy.

--------------------
I dressed slowly, buttoning my creaseless white shirt, knotting the red silk tie, pulling my satin black overcoat over myself carefully. Looking good Fabian, don't want to disappoint them. Hell no, especially on tonight's occasion.
----------------------------

I inserted a key into the iron safe next to the bed and twisted gently. The little hatch swung smoothly on its oiled hinges, with nigh a sound. In the dark cavity lay an almost opaque green bottle, the dust collecting ever so slightly like a layer of pretty snuff on it. A dark rose liquid lay docilely in it. Beside it lay two delicate crystal flutes that seem to be exquisitely crafted out of glass.

I retrieved them both, leaving the safe open wide. Easing the wooden cork that loosely guarded the bottle's neck; I tipped the vassal, watching the stream of dark rose liquid bubble into the two flutes, watching the light shining through the glasses steadily taking on a pale crimson hue. The last drop fell exactly as the clock struck six. Sweet timing. Always was the perfectionist.

I sat on the sofa, lifting one of the crystal flutes, admiring the pleasing hue it took under the room's soft light. The glass was cool to the touch, the faint alcoholic scent rising from the liquid. The leather upholstery tempted me, the touch was cool.

Twisting to my right, I turned and raised my glass to the portrait hanging above my bed. It was framed in gold, its designs intricate. And the occupant, ah the occupant, no no, I shall not think about her.

A toast perhaps. I drink to your health, to the future, and to success.

The liquid splashed about my mouth as I sipped. The fruity notes seem to echo around my nasal passage, it ricocheted pleasantly around my mouth, the somber taste spreading ever so slowly over my taste buds. Good wine for a good time.

I extricated myself from the chair, my hands wandering in dark reaches of the safe. When I pulled my hands out, I was holding a stack of old papers, letters, documents, bounded loosely by a red ribbon. Old, torn, dog-eared, they contained years of correspondence, years of work, years of diary keeping, years of reflection, years of boredom.

I picked up the iron poker by the fireside and stoked the logs inside the hearth. The dying embers burst into brightness once again, greedily consuming the wooden fuel. With that, I untied the bundle of paper and photos.

One by one, I tossed the papers into the flames, watching as the workers of Helios rapidly turned the aged paper coffee brown, then black, and finally crumbling into ashen grey, fading into the sea of dancing fire sprites. Sometimes I stopped to stare at a particular piece, looking at the cursive black handwriting, before finally throwing it into the fire.

As each piece was thrown in, I felt something in me being cut away, floating into the flames to be devoured. I was severing my links to the past, all the painful thoughts, all the sorrow, all the hurt I caused to everyone I knew. With each piece of paper being tossed into the fire, I started feeling better, as if a heavy stone was being lifted bit by bit from my shoulders. One by one, the dying ashes fluttered, burnt to nothingness. My mind was wiped clean; the memories flitted by one by one. The photos were old, grainy white, devoid of colour, yet they held my past. I threw them in without hesitation. There would be no need for them, life would be reborn tonight, and a new life would begin for me. The sheer thought of that alone excited me.

As the last piece finally descended upon the flames, I withdrew from the safe a small velvet box. It rested comfortably in my hands, the top opening easily. I took a pinch of the white powder within and sniffed hard. Again, that sensation that spoke of calm, tranquility and momentary happiness.

I left the bedroom gelling my hair. Stylish. No one would enter for a few years. No one would know we were here. No one would even think about this sorry place. No one would care. I closed the mahogany door softly, switching of the lights.

-----------------------------
The car purred as I revved it up, the asphalt running smoothly under the hot rubber tires. The trees seemed to hopped past in the horizon, the sleek black car weaving in and out of the traffic, rushing to our destination. I was leaving the world behind, leaving the old sickeningly decayed crust behind, peeling off the layers of painful memories. I felt free and exhilarated.

I glanced coolly out of the tinted windows as the chic gleaming Mercedes pulled up outside the ornate magnificent building. A huge bronze plaque stood proudly mounted on a whitened marble slab.

'______ ______'

'You know what to do now Fabian.'

'I do Master. You do not need to worry.'

He flashed one of his rare smiles, the gold teeth shining brightly in the gloom. Fifteen years had past since Iâve first met him. I shook my head. No those memories were long dead. Forget about the past, eyes to the future.

'Tonight you dine with God my son.'

There was a crunch as I stepped out into the bitter cold weather, my gelled hair still resolutely spiky, defying the blowing wind.

'I have already supped with the Devil Master.'

Then I was gone, just another person in the stone path winding towards the building, amidst the throng of people milling about.
------------------

My black leather boots tapped lightly across the marbled floor of the building. A festive tune played across the hall. Ah Christmas, what a magical time. And what a show they shall see.

A weary looking guard sat at the entrance. 'Hold on a second sir.' he muttered, as he extended a metal detector. 'What a hassle.'

I grinned again. 'Yeah, take your time. Tough life eh?' My tone was crisp, business-like, I could past for one of the officials working in this damn place.

'I know screw the people that assigned me here. Lucky this shift ends in half an hour.'

He nimbly held the metal stick, scanning my body for anything metallic. I raised my arms obligingly, not willing to hinder the process. It would only serve to be a disadvantage later for me.

The stick gave a sudden loud beep and flashed bright red. The guard was pointing at my pockets. I looked curiously at them bulging.

'Sir, remove any wallets, coins, keys from your pocket. Then we can move on.'

I grumbled along, 'Oh give me a break who would just dare to come in and blow this place up.' Reaching into my pockets, I took out the offending bunch of keys and tossed them onto the tray. Reaching back down, my hands brushed against the solid metal object resting against my skin. I pulled it out too.

'Sir, please hand over all metallic objects now.'

A scream pierced the air, as the roar issued from the deep endless black hole. Too late, I put a bullet into his head. I held the gun in my gloved hands.

Who would dare stroll in and blow the place up?

Me....Me....Me...ME!

---------------------

Didn't bother with the Hollywood dramatics. Drew my trusty partners and went blazing down the hall without so much as a word. I watched as the staff screamed and ran for the lifts, watched as the receptionists hid under the table, watched as the security thundered towards me. Mama mia, what a field day the reporters would have tomorrow. Hell, better give them enough scenes for the pictures. Smile little ones.

The security guards ran down the hall, tugging pistols from their shoulder holsters.

Ah the cavalry's here. Now the fun begins.

They all went down like bowling pins from a strike. Bang bang bang you're dead my friend. Couldn't have done it better myself, ten years of practice seemed to bind into me, an exterior skin, a whole layer of uncanny abilities honed to superhuman perfection. He taught me well.

Click. The empty gun chambers yearned for more blood. I took another sniff of the white powder in my little packet, again that same old intoxicating feel, the same whoosh of calm, warmly subsiding in my body. Here goes. Round two. Lock and load, Fabian goes.

I killed them all. Killed every single bastard there. They took all I knew, I took what I wanted back. They took my life from me fifteen years ago, they took my heart, they took my soul, and they took every single damn thing I had in the world. They took my family, they took my friends, they took my love, everything I held dear they burned, they destroyed, and they ravaged my broken world. But most cruelly they sentenced me to live.

And now, it was time to hit back. Hard. Now or Never, Now and Forever.

Found them all, behind the plants, behind the desk, in the toilets. And the screams! Such satisfying noises. By God, such horrendous fun, I chuckled ever so slightly.

-----------------------

The sound of pattering feet reached my ears as I strolled down observing my work.

'Freeze! Drop the guns!'

'You certainly had the nerve taking your time coming here Mr. Policeman.'

'Freeze and not a word more!'

I whipped around and shot him right between the eyes, the cordite scent entering my nostrils.

As expected, a hail of lead erupted around me, into me, over me. My guns were empty again.

'Freeze, we've got you surrounded!'

I stumbled up from the ground, grinning again through bloodstained teeth, my ripped overcoat dripping with the scarlet liquid. My blood. Their blood. Our blood.

I ripped off my handsome fur gloves and threw them to the floor, just as I unbuttoned my coat slowly, as if nothing unusual was happening.

'All the merrier then. I'll see you on the other side.'

Their eyes widened at the sudden realization of the trap they were pulled into. They tried to run, but hey who could cover fifty feet in five seconds?

'Now or Never, Now and Forever.' I happily whistled. Now. The moment I was waiting for these fifteen years. Quick, do it. Or never will it happen. Now, do it Fabian, do it now Fabian. And it will last forever. Forever more Fabian, forever more.

The mechanical ticking stopped as I had planned, the rapidly changing numbers stopped, the screen going blank....the grey foamy packets on my chest seemed so innocent all of a sudden.

My world erupted into flames, as my body blew into a million hot pieces, scattering the ashes into the four winds, churning my soul into the nether regions, to face my new life. Rebirth. Tonight I start afresh, a new beginning, a new place, a new time, a new person. The old Fabian vanished off the face of the earth, only two charred steaming marks showed where he last stood, the place which would soak in notoriety. The glass windows exploded as the carnage swept everything in its path, the shards catching the racing figures in the back, the fire swept across the hall, eating them. Then all was silent.

Tonight I dine by myself.

-----------------

Alot of effort and thought put into this one. So guys, please, I need some comments and feedback!

[b]Now Or Never, Now And Forever[/b]\r\n\r\nThe dark figure inhaled deeply, emptying his hand of the fine white powder. The substance coursed through his nostrils, leaving a slightly burning sensation. It calmed him down greatly, lulling him into an almost meditative trance, slightly dreamy, but alert as always. Peace is with you Fabian. \r\n\r\nThe other man sat lazily in his leather chair. Cropped white hair, enough gold jewelry to gold leaf the Empire State Building, thirty years of experience under his belt. This was not a man to be trifled with. \r\n\r\n'My Son is you ready?'\r\n\r\n'Yes Master. Whenever you are.'\r\n\r\n'Good good. We have to leave in two hours. Go prepare the package. And do whatever you need to.'\r\n\r\n'All in good time Master.'\r\n\r\nThe brass doorknob clicked as I left the room. \r\n\r\n--------------------\r\n\r\nFifteen years has been a long time.  Fifteen years of steady training. Fifteen years of suppressing the urge. Fifteen years of silent pursuit. Fifteen years of planning. Fifteen years to prepare me for this final mission. A very long time indeed. But we'll get there in the end. We always have, we always have. \r\n\r\nI winked at myself in the mirror, as a panther would while stalking at its prey. Tonight, it would be done. Tonight, I'll satisfy my lust. Tonight would be the night of my final paradise. It would be quick, very quick. Oh, and it would last forever. \r\n\r\n---------------------\r\nThe hot shower hit me, relaxing me. Always good to look your best. Especially tonight. Yeah tonight, the big night, I couldn't afford to appear sloppy. \r\n\r\n--------------------\r\nI dressed slowly, buttoning my creaseless white shirt, knotting the red silk tie, pulling my satin black overcoat over myself carefully. Looking good Fabian, don't want to disappoint them. Hell no, especially on tonight's occasion.\r\n---------------------------- \r\n\r\nI inserted a key into the iron safe next to the bed and twisted gently. The little hatch swung smoothly on its oiled hinges, with nigh a sound. In the dark cavity lay an almost opaque green bottle, the dust collecting ever so slightly like a layer of pretty snuff on it. A dark rose liquid lay docilely in it. Beside it lay two delicate crystal flutes that seem to be exquisitely crafted out of glass. \r\n\r\nI retrieved them both, leaving the safe open wide. Easing the wooden cork that loosely guarded the bottle's neck; I tipped the vassal, watching the stream of dark rose liquid bubble into the two flutes, watching the light shining through the glasses steadily taking on a pale crimson hue. The last drop fell exactly as the clock struck six. Sweet timing. Always was the perfectionist. \r\n\r\nI sat on the sofa, lifting one of the crystal flutes, admiring the pleasing hue it took under the room's soft light. The glass was cool to the touch, the faint alcoholic scent rising from the liquid. The leather upholstery tempted me, the touch was cool. \r\n\r\nTwisting to my right, I turned and raised my glass to the portrait hanging above my bed. It was framed in gold, its designs intricate. And the occupant, ah the occupant, no no, I shall not think about her. \r\n\r\nA toast perhaps. I drink to your health, to the future, and to success. \r\n\r\nThe liquid splashed about my mouth as I sipped. The fruity notes seem to echo around my nasal passage, it ricocheted pleasantly around my mouth, the somber taste spreading ever so slowly over my taste buds. Good wine for a good time. \r\n\r\nI extricated myself from the chair, my hands wandering in dark reaches of the safe. When I pulled my hands out, I was holding a stack of old papers, letters, documents, bounded loosely by a red ribbon. Old, torn, dog-eared, they contained years of correspondence, years of work, years of diary keeping, years of reflection, years of boredom. \r\n\r\nI picked up the iron poker by the fireside and stoked the logs inside the hearth. The dying embers burst into brightness once again, greedily consuming the wooden fuel. With that, I untied the bundle of paper and photos. \r\n\r\nOne by one, I tossed the papers into the flames, watching as the workers of Helios rapidly turned the aged paper coffee brown, then black, and finally crumbling into ashen grey, fading into the sea of dancing fire sprites. Sometimes I stopped to stare at a particular piece, looking at the cursive black handwriting, before finally throwing it into the fire. \r\n\r\nAs each piece was thrown in, I felt something in me being cut away, floating into the flames to be devoured. I was severing my links to the past, all the painful thoughts, all the sorrow, all the hurt I caused to everyone I knew. With each piece of paper being tossed into the fire, I started feeling better, as if a heavy stone was being lifted bit by bit from my shoulders. One by one, the dying ashes fluttered, burnt to nothingness. My mind was wiped clean; the memories flitted by one by one. The photos were old, grainy white, devoid of colour, yet they held my past. I threw them in without hesitation. There would be no need for them, life would be reborn tonight, and a new life would begin for me. The sheer thought of that alone excited me.\r\n\r\nAs the last piece finally descended upon the flames, I withdrew from the safe a small velvet box. It rested comfortably in my hands, the top opening easily.  I took a pinch of the white powder within and sniffed hard. Again, that sensation that spoke of calm, tranquility and momentary happiness.\r\n\r\nI left the bedroom gelling my hair. Stylish. No one would enter for a few years. No one would know we were here. No one would even think about this sorry place. No one would care. I closed the mahogany door softly, switching of the lights.\r\n\r\n-----------------------------\r\nThe car purred as I revved it up, the asphalt running smoothly under the hot rubber tires. The trees seemed to hopped past in the horizon, the sleek black car weaving in and out of the traffic, rushing to our destination. I was leaving the world behind, leaving the old sickeningly decayed crust behind, peeling off the layers of painful memories. I felt free and exhilarated. \r\n\r\nI glanced coolly out of the tinted windows as the chic gleaming Mercedes pulled up outside the ornate magnificent building. A huge bronze plaque stood proudly mounted on a whitened marble slab. \r\n\r\n'______  ______' \r\n\r\n'You know what to do now Fabian.'\r\n\r\n'I do Master. You do not need to worry.'\r\n\r\nHe flashed one of his rare smiles, the gold teeth shining brightly in the gloom. Fifteen years had past since Iâ��ve first met him. I shook my head. No those memories were long dead. Forget about the past, eyes to the future. \r\n\r\n'Tonight you dine with God my son.'\r\n\r\nThere was a crunch as I stepped out into the bitter cold weather, my gelled hair still resolutely spiky, defying the blowing wind. \r\n\r\n'I have already supped with the Devil Master.'\r\n\r\nThen I was gone, just another person in the stone path winding towards the building, amidst the throng of people milling about. \r\n------------------\r\n\r\nMy black leather boots tapped lightly across the marbled floor of the building. A festive tune played across the hall. Ah Christmas, what a magical time. And what a show they shall see.\r\n\r\nA weary looking guard sat at the entrance. 'Hold on a second sir.' he muttered, as he extended a metal detector. 'What a hassle.'\r\n\r\nI grinned again. 'Yeah, take your time. Tough life eh?' My tone was crisp, business-like, I could past for one of the officials working in this damn place. \r\n\r\n'I know screw the people that assigned me here. Lucky this shift ends in half an hour.'\r\n\r\nHe nimbly held the metal stick, scanning my body for anything metallic. I raised my arms obligingly, not willing to hinder the process. It would only serve to be a disadvantage later for me.  \r\n\r\nThe stick gave a sudden loud beep and flashed bright red. The guard was pointing at my pockets. I looked curiously at them bulging. \r\n\r\n'Sir, remove any wallets, coins, keys from your pocket. Then we can move on.' \r\n\r\nI grumbled along, 'Oh give me a break who would just dare to come in and blow this place up.' Reaching into my pockets, I took out the offending bunch of keys and tossed them onto the tray. Reaching back down, my hands brushed against the solid metal object resting against my skin. I pulled it out too.\r\n\r\n'Sir, please hand over all metallic objects now.'\r\n\r\nA scream pierced the air, as the roar issued from the deep endless black hole. Too late, I put a bullet into his head. I held the gun in my gloved hands. \r\n\r\nWho would dare stroll in and blow the place up?\r\n\r\nMe....Me....Me...ME!\r\n\r\n---------------------\r\n\r\nDidn't bother with the Hollywood dramatics. Drew my trusty partners and went blazing down the hall without so much as a word.  I watched as the staff screamed and ran for the lifts, watched as the receptionists hid under the table, watched as the security thundered towards me. Mama mia, what a field day the reporters would have tomorrow. Hell, better give them enough scenes for the pictures. Smile little ones. \r\n\r\nThe security guards ran down the hall, tugging pistols from their shoulder holsters. \r\n\r\nAh the cavalry's here. Now the fun begins. \r\n\r\nThey all went down like bowling pins from a strike. Bang bang bang you're dead my friend. Couldn't have done it better myself, ten years of practice seemed to bind into me, an exterior skin, a whole layer of uncanny abilities honed to superhuman perfection. He taught me well. \r\n\r\nClick. The empty gun chambers yearned for more blood. I took another sniff of the white powder in my little packet, again that same old intoxicating feel, the same whoosh of calm, warmly subsiding in my body. Here goes. Round two. Lock and load, Fabian goes. \r\n\r\nI killed them all. Killed every single bastard there. They took all I knew, I took what I wanted back. They took my life from me fifteen years ago, they took my heart, they took my soul, and they took every single damn thing I had in the world. They took my family, they took my friends, they took my love, everything I held dear they burned, they destroyed, and they ravaged my broken world. But most cruelly they sentenced me to live.\r\n\r\nAnd now, it was time to hit back. Hard. Now or Never, Now and Forever.\r\n\r\nFound them all, behind the plants, behind the desk, in the toilets. And the screams! Such satisfying noises. By God, such horrendous fun, I chuckled ever so slightly.\r\n\r\n-----------------------\r\n\r\nThe sound of pattering feet reached my ears as I strolled down observing my work. \r\n\r\n'Freeze! Drop the guns!'\r\n\r\n'You certainly had the nerve taking your time coming here Mr. Policeman.'\r\n\r\n'Freeze and not a word more!'\r\n\r\nI whipped around and shot him right between the eyes, the cordite scent entering my nostrils. \r\n\r\nAs expected, a hail of lead erupted around me, into me, over me. My guns were empty again. \r\n\r\n'Freeze, we've got you surrounded!'\r\n\r\nI stumbled up from the ground, grinning again through bloodstained teeth, my ripped overcoat dripping with the scarlet liquid. My blood. Their blood. Our blood.\r\n\r\nI ripped off my handsome fur gloves and threw them to the floor, just as I unbuttoned my coat slowly, as if nothing unusual was happening. \r\n\r\n'All the merrier then. I'll see you on the other side.'\r\n\r\nTheir eyes widened at the sudden realization of the trap they were pulled into. They tried to run, but hey who could cover fifty feet in five seconds?\r\n\r\n'Now or Never, Now and Forever.' I happily whistled. Now. The moment I was waiting for these fifteen years. Quick, do it. Or never will it happen. Now, do it Fabian, do it now Fabian. And it will last forever. Forever more Fabian, forever more. \r\n\r\nThe mechanical ticking stopped as I had planned, the rapidly changing numbers stopped, the screen going blank....the grey foamy packets on my chest seemed so innocent all of a sudden. \r\n\r\nMy world erupted into flames, as my body blew into a million hot pieces, scattering the ashes into the four winds, churning my soul into the nether regions, to face my new life. Rebirth. Tonight I start afresh, a new beginning, a new place, a new time, a new person. The old Fabian vanished off the face of the earth, only two charred steaming marks showed where he last stood, the place which would soak in notoriety. The glass windows exploded as the carnage swept everything in its path, the shards catching the racing figures in the back, the fire swept across the hall, eating them. Then all was silent.\r\n\r\nTonight I dine by myself. \r\n\r\n-----------------\r\n\r\nAlot of effort and thought put into this one. So guys, please, I need some comments and feedback!

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thisisnotanalt

9,824 posts

Shepherd

Posted July 23, '09 11:18pm UTC

Nich. . .you're still over-describing. Remember - you're showing a story, not telling it - you're weighing down the story, especially the beginning, with unnecessary details that weigh down the flow. Instead of saying 'sat lazily,' say something like 'he collapsed or 'he slumped.' Use as little words as possible to convey the same message - it makes the writing flow better. This is definitely the only major problem you have with your prose - though it's a very important one.

All that aside, I still liked the story overall. Your dialog is great. . .really, I think your characters are your strong point. I also really liked the plot - but the majority of the descriptive writing feels too. . .bogged down by unnecessary words.

The plot was heavy with emotion. Chilling and awesome. Though I am worried by your fantasy of you being a coke-sniffing murderous suicide bomber.

offline

knight_34

13,822 posts

Farmer

Posted July 24, '09 1:03am UTC

Well, like Alt said, you tend to be over-descriptive. The story seems to progress slowly in the beginning, but midway through the action commences. I enjoyed the story, though again, you seem to describe everything in unnecessary detail, (which is not bad, but when overdone, makes progression seem slow).

The plot was heavy with emotion.

I agree with this one. A very emotional plot involving a frenzied suicide bomber.

Though I am worried by your fantasy of you being a coke-sniffing murderous suicide bomber.

Me too.

Overall, the story is quite good. I loved it! The story, the characters, everything is generally good.

offline

nichodemus

14,987 posts

Grand Duke

Posted July 24, '09 11:07am UTC

Yeppernoodles. Too much description, noted.

I was thinking of writing a prequel...or a few prequels. Anyone game?

offline

SonnyDude

316 posts

Peasant

Posted July 24, '09 2:04pm UTC

Very good Nich!!

When will you give some more stories?

offline

nichodemus

14,987 posts

Grand Duke

Posted July 24, '09 2:08pm UTC

When will you give some more stories?

I'm not really sure. Gonna be very busy next week for one.

offline

samdawghomie

3,551 posts

Peasant

Posted July 24, '09 2:20pm UTC

was thinking of writing a prequel...or a few prequels

A prequel would be nice.

And like Knight and Alt said, you tend to be a bit to over-discriptive and that slows down the pregression of the story. But the last part was nice. Lots of action and the dialog seemed to be good in the story. I was quite confused until the last part so that is nice. Keeping the readers in suspence, wanting to read more.

Overall it was good.

And one more thing...

I am worried by your fantasy of you being a coke-sniffing murderous suicide bomber.

offline

nichodemus

14,987 posts

Grand Duke

Posted July 24, '09 3:00pm UTC

Hmmm....worried about the sniffing, not about the bombing. After all, I've got one shot only eh? XD Jokin lah....jokin.....

Actually, I was basing it on my life and how I am trying to reform it. Hence rebirth. But something has to crack and give way first. BOOM!

I'll try to do a good prequel.

PS: You do realise Fabian is my real name right?

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samdawghomie

3,551 posts

Peasant

Posted July 24, '09 3:02pm UTC

PS: You do realise Fabian is my real name right?

Yes. Everyone knows that. It got me scared there, I thought that you were a coke-sniffing murderous suicide bomber.

Prequel, Yay!

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thisisnotanalt

9,824 posts

Shepherd

Posted July 24, '09 3:09pm UTC

That's an interesting metaphor. And a few prequels would be interesting.

offline

knight_34

13,822 posts

Farmer

Posted July 25, '09 12:07am UTC

And a few prequels would be interesting.

I agree. Something of a back-story to this story.

offline

nichodemus

14,987 posts

Grand Duke

Posted July 25, '09 11:12am UTC

A new poem. Comments are very much appreciated.

-----------------------

I'm Not Afraid To Die

I've faced death too many times,
To hear funeral bells chime.
I've been through the battlefront,
To bear the toughest brunt.

I've seen the pits of fiery Hell,
To consort with the monsters that dwell.
I've been to the Ocean's murkiness,
To feel the numbing creepiness.

I've been down to the deepest bottom,
To converese with the phantom.
I've crossed swords with God
To acknowledge mortals are flawed.

I'm not afraid to die,
I'm just scared we can't say goodbye.
I'm not afraid to die,
I'm just scared you'll always question why.

I've lived the live of a slave,
To sleep and while away in the cave.
I've tasted defeat all my life,
To always take that sharp dive.

I've always known my future,
To crumble my own structure.
I've always drank the boiling oil,
To learn to only work and toil.

I've been struck with the plague,
To appear misty and vague.
I've lain in the shadows for ages,
To consult all the wise sages.

I'm not afraid to die,
I'm just upset your tissues never dry.
I'm not afraid to die,
I'm just distraught you'll never feel high.

I've been hooked up to the machine too long,
To not hear my angel's song.
I've been sucked into the black hole,
To stretch and pull my soul.

I've spent my life in the twilight,
To be born blind of blessed sight.
I've always prepared for that grim thought,
To feel eternally trapped and caught.

I've not seen the Sun in years,
To wander in my meadow of fears.
I've not known emotions other than hate,
To watch my heart eviscerate.

I'm not afraid to die,
I'm just fearful you think it's all a lie.
I'm not afraid to die,
I'm just too jaded to see the look in your eye.

I'm not afraid to die,
I'm just angry I make you weep and sigh.
I'm not afraid to die,
But I just can't bear to see you cry.

A new poem. Comments are very much appreciated.\r\n\r\n-----------------------\r\n\r\n[b]I'm Not Afraid To Die[/b]\r\n\r\nI've faced death too many times,\r\nTo hear funeral bells chime.\r\nI've been through the battlefront,\r\nTo bear the toughest brunt.\r\n\r\nI've seen the pits of fiery Hell,\r\nTo consort with the monsters that dwell.\r\nI've been to the Ocean's murkiness,\r\nTo feel the numbing creepiness.\r\n\r\nI've been down to the deepest bottom,\r\nTo converese with the phantom.\r\nI've crossed swords with God\r\nTo acknowledge mortals are flawed.\r\n\r\nI'm not afraid to die,\r\nI'm just scared we can't say goodbye.\r\nI'm not afraid to die,\r\nI'm just scared you'll always question why.\r\n\r\nI've lived the live of a slave,\r\nTo sleep and while away in the cave.\r\nI've tasted defeat all my life,\r\nTo always take that sharp dive.\r\n\r\nI've always known my future,\r\nTo crumble my own structure.\r\nI've always drank the boiling oil,\r\nTo learn to only work and toil.\r\n\r\nI've been struck with the plague,\r\nTo appear misty and vague.\r\nI've lain in the shadows for ages,\r\nTo consult all the wise sages.\r\n\r\nI'm not afraid to die,\r\nI'm just upset your tissues never dry.\r\nI'm not afraid to die,\r\nI'm just distraught you'll never feel high.\r\n\r\nI've been hooked up to the machine too long,\r\nTo not hear my angel's song.\r\nI've been sucked into the black hole,\r\nTo stretch and pull my soul.\r\n\r\nI've spent my life in the twilight,\r\nTo be born blind of blessed sight.\r\nI've always prepared for that grim thought,\r\nTo feel eternally trapped and caught.\r\n\r\nI've not seen the Sun in years,\r\nTo wander in my meadow of fears.\r\nI've not known emotions other than hate,\r\nTo watch my heart eviscerate.\r\n\r\nI'm not afraid to die,\r\nI'm just fearful you think it's all a lie.\r\nI'm not afraid to die,\r\nI'm just too jaded to see the look in your eye.\r\n\r\nI'm not afraid to die,\r\nI'm just angry I make you weep and sigh.\r\nI'm not afraid to die,\r\nBut I just can't bear to see you cry.

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SonnyDude

316 posts

Peasant

Posted July 25, '09 11:27am UTC

Good Vocablory!!

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SonnyDude

316 posts

Peasant

Posted July 25, '09 11:28am UTC

9.99/10

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goumas13

4,752 posts

Grand Duke

Posted July 25, '09 11:36am UTC

Great poem, quite epic in some points, it's like a poem about a Norse myth, I really like it and has also great meanings, it easily transmits what you are thinking to the reader.
Also I have to agree with SonnyDude superb vocabulary and great choice of words.
It's quite dark, but it's not sad.
Again it's a really good poem.
p.s. After reading your first-rate poem, I am now in the mood of hearing Archive songs.

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