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A Mystery story!! Plzzz rate it..

Posted May 22, '09 at 1:47am

Roult

Roult

30 posts

MYSTERY STORY
Once there was a detective who was able to solve all the cases. His name was Jason and he had a assistant named Dave. One day he received a phone call from a lady named Miss Swarn who was in a big problem. She called him to her house.

Then she told him that she had a Uncle who opposed her literacy and was opposing literacy of girls. But Miss Swarn wanted to study and completed her studies completely and always had her rivalry with her uncle because of her opposition.

Then she told Jason about the main problem which was a mystery problem. She told that her Uncle was very rich and when he died he left his whole property in a will. Then DETECTIVE JASON tried his best to solve the case!!!

He checked the full room and got the complete analyses. Then when he  entered their bedroom he found a envelope tied to a Drawer. But he found that nothing was written in that envelope. He only saw the signature of the two servants at the bottom. And after sometime he was able to see  some characters written on the paper and told it to Miss Swarn and was sure that there could be second will also to confuse her!!!

Then he called everyone living in the house. But only there lived a couple of servants.. He asked them about the visiting of any people. They only said that nobody came instead of some workers!!!

Then Jason went to the location where the workers lived and asked them about what they had done which was said by the Uncle. They said that they had signed one will given to them by the Uncle. They said that their Uncle gave them one brick to cut a slight cavity!!

Then Jason went back to home examined the bricks of the home and found that one brick was slightly different from others!! He found the cavity and took out a piece of paper and found nothing on the paper...

Then he said to Dave that there is no meaning of finding the solution because it was a very difficult case.. He sat in the train. But when he was going his mind suddenly struck and said to Dave 'JUMP out of the train'.

He immediately went to the house and took the paper which he found in cavity and lit a candle under it!! He found some characters appearing and after sometime all the characters appeared!!!!! Then he found the conclusion that it was the second will...

Then he gave it to Miss Swarn and went back.............

When they were going Dave asked him that there was no meaning of the studies of Miss Swarn as she didn't solve the case.. Jason said that because of her studies only she was able to get the conclusion to contact a detective rather than sitting in confusion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for reading the story!!  And plzz rate it....

If you have some more mystery Sories please write them here..

 

 

Posted May 22, '09 at 2:52am

Roult

Roult

30 posts

[b]They were able to see the Characters in the second will because it was written by invisible ink!!!![/b]

 

Posted May 22, '09 at 2:56am

Roult

Roult

30 posts

Plzzz rate it as soon as you read it because I am very curious about all your suggestions!!!!!

 

Posted May 22, '09 at 6:50am

kingryan

kingryan

4,165 posts

*blink...blink*

Umm...I found it a bit messy and hard to understand. I believe that it needs some work.

For starters, starting each paragraph with 'Then...' isn't a good idea. Try to think of other words which you could use instead of this.

I hope that helps....others will have more to say about it though....

 

Posted May 22, '09 at 6:50am

me44

me44

160 posts

[i]No on is replying to you. So are you talking to yourself?[i]

Me44

 

Posted May 22, '09 at 6:51am

me44

me44

160 posts

Ooops I messed up on italics.

Me44

 

Posted May 22, '09 at 7:30am

nichodemus

nichodemus

11,843 posts

Knight

It all seemed...planned ahead by Jason, everything sort of magically fell into place too smoothly. Like KR said, please vary your sentences in terms of structure, length, word use. The same words were used repeatedly, giving it an air of amateurishness.

Try to bring in suspense. It was rather messy, the plot ending abruptly, without tying up the loose ends. For example, who was the Uncle?

Lastly, do not use exclamation marks too often. It appeared like a cheesy military report, showing the course of action. But nothing else.

 

Posted May 22, '09 at 7:47am

TRUdog

TRUdog

778 posts

Once there was a detective who was able to solve all the cases.

Hmm... thats not so original it's been done before

he had a assistant named Dave. One day he received a phone call from a lady named Miss Swarn who was in a big problem.

Some parts of this sentence are grammatically incorrect for example: When you said:

he had a assistant

It should be he had an assistant. Also when you said:

who was in a big problem.

That doesn't make sense it should be, who was in a sticky situation, or something like that because saying she's in a big problem is grammatically incorrect.

   Now I saw many other errors but if your going to right mystery stories my recommendations are:

1# Make the plot easier to understand
2# Fix the spelling and grammar problems so that the reader can understand your story better
3# At the beginning you said the detective could solve all cases well that doesn't make sense because if he could he would be able to solve this one right away

 

Posted May 22, '09 at 7:53am

Roult

Roult

30 posts

Thanx For your suggestions!!

I will try to improve more when I write other stories!

                                                      ROULT~

 

Posted May 22, '09 at 7:56am

nichodemus

nichodemus

11,843 posts

Knight

Oh yes, to bold do this.

1) Type out the text.
2) Highlight it.
3) Select whichever option you want.

Like this:

Hi.

Hi.

 
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