ForumsArt, Music, and WritingA Mystery story!! Plzzz rate it..

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Roult
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Roult
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MYSTERY STORY
Once there was a detective who was able to solve all the cases. His name was Jason and he had a assistant named Dave. One day he received a phone call from a lady named Miss Swarn who was in a big problem. She called him to her house.

Then she told him that she had a Uncle who opposed her literacy and was opposing literacy of girls. But Miss Swarn wanted to study and completed her studies completely and always had her rivalry with her uncle because of her opposition.

Then she told Jason about the main problem which was a mystery problem. She told that her Uncle was very rich and when he died he left his whole property in a will. Then DETECTIVE JASON tried his best to solve the case!!!

He checked the full room and got the complete analyses. Then when he entered their bedroom he found a envelope tied to a Drawer. But he found that nothing was written in that envelope. He only saw the signature of the two servants at the bottom. And after sometime he was able to see some characters written on the paper and told it to Miss Swarn and was sure that there could be second will also to confuse her!!!

Then he called everyone living in the house. But only there lived a couple of servants.. He asked them about the visiting of any people. They only said that nobody came instead of some workers!!!

Then Jason went to the location where the workers lived and asked them about what they had done which was said by the Uncle. They said that they had signed one will given to them by the Uncle. They said that their Uncle gave them one brick to cut a slight cavity!!

Then Jason went back to home examined the bricks of the home and found that one brick was slightly different from others!! He found the cavity and took out a piece of paper and found nothing on the paper...

Then he said to Dave that there is no meaning of finding the solution because it was a very difficult case.. He sat in the train. But when he was going his mind suddenly struck and said to Dave 'JUMP out of the train'.

He immediately went to the house and took the paper which he found in cavity and lit a candle under it!! He found some characters appearing and after sometime all the characters appeared!!!!! Then he found the conclusion that it was the second will...

Then he gave it to Miss Swarn and went back.............

When they were going Dave asked him that there was no meaning of the studies of Miss Swarn as she didn't solve the case.. Jason said that because of her studies only she was able to get the conclusion to contact a detective rather than sitting in confusion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Thanks for reading the story!! And plzz rate it....

If you have some more mystery Sories please write them here..


  • 38 Replies
Roult
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Roult
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[b]They were able to see the Characters in the second will because it was written by invisible ink!!!![/b]

Roult
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Roult
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Plzzz rate it as soon as you read it because I am very curious about all your suggestions!!!!!

kingryan
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kingryan
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*blink...blink*

Umm...I found it a bit messy and hard to understand. I believe that it needs some work.

For starters, starting each paragraph with 'Then...' isn't a good idea. Try to think of other words which you could use instead of this.

I hope that helps....others will have more to say about it though....

me44
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me44
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[i]No on is replying to you. So are you talking to yourself?[i]


Me44

me44
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me44
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Ooops I messed up on italics.



Me44

nichodemus
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It all seemed...planned ahead by Jason, everything sort of magically fell into place too smoothly. Like KR said, please vary your sentences in terms of structure, length, word use. The same words were used repeatedly, giving it an air of amateurishness.

Try to bring in suspense. It was rather messy, the plot ending abruptly, without tying up the loose ends. For example, who was the Uncle?

Lastly, do not use exclamation marks too often. It appeared like a cheesy military report, showing the course of action. But nothing else.

TRUdog
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TRUdog
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Once there was a detective who was able to solve all the cases.

Hmm... thats not so original it's been done before
he had a assistant named Dave. One day he received a phone call from a lady named Miss Swarn who was in a big problem.

Some parts of this sentence are grammatically incorrect for example: When you said:
he had a assistant
It should be he had an assistant. Also when you said:
who was in a big problem.
That doesn't make sense it should be, who was in a sticky situation, or something like that because saying she's in a big problem is grammatically incorrect.

Now I saw many other errors but if your going to right mystery stories my recommendations are:

1# Make the plot easier to understand
2# Fix the spelling and grammar problems so that the reader can understand your story better
3# At the beginning you said the detective could solve all cases well that doesn't make sense because if he could he would be able to solve this one right away
Roult
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Roult
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Thanx For your suggestions!!

I will try to improve more when I write other stories!

ROULT~

nichodemus
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nichodemus
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Oh yes, to bold do this.

1) Type out the text.
2) Highlight it.
3) Select whichever option you want.

Like this:

Hi.

Hi.

Roult
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Roult
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Reply to TRUdog..

Jason was a good detective who solved all the cases but tthis was the most difficult case so he had some problems solving such a complicated case!!!

Roult
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Roult
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Is the story good??

Plzzz rate it also out of 10.

nichodemus
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nichodemus
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Is the story good??
Plzzz rate it also out of 10.


Frankly, I would give it a 5/10.

For said reasons. And my friends always say I'm tactless and straightforward....
jezz
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jezz
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I read your story and I understood most it but there are alot of mistakes. I noticed the ones TRUdog pointed out, they were confusing and obviously wrong. I agree with Nicho too, you gave too much information in one paragraph and theres also some information you missed out(who was the uncle?).

Then he called everyone living in the house. But only there lived a couple of servants.. He asked them about the visiting of any people. They only said that nobody came instead of some workers!!!

The above two lines do not make the slightest bit of sense.
You should have said something like.

He called a conference for everyone who lived and worked in the house but only a couple of servants turned up. He asked them if anyone had visited the house, however the servants told him that nobody had.

So I would give it a 4.5/10. Sorry.
Also, dont bold your whole story! It looks in-your-face and difficult to read.

nichodemus
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nichodemus
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Just to add...here wasn't really a 'mystery' to solve, with all the clues falling together so easily. Make it more...realistic and give him a few hurdles to clear.

If you would kindly rewrite it, we'll give more feedback.

DDX
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DDX
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Not a complicated case. 4/10.

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