ForumsArt, Music, and WritingA Mystery story!! Plzzz rate it..

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Roult
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Roult
30 posts
Nomad

MYSTERY STORY
Once there was a detective who was able to solve all the cases. His name was Jason and he had a assistant named Dave. One day he received a phone call from a lady named Miss Swarn who was in a big problem. She called him to her house.

Then she told him that she had a Uncle who opposed her literacy and was opposing literacy of girls. But Miss Swarn wanted to study and completed her studies completely and always had her rivalry with her uncle because of her opposition.

Then she told Jason about the main problem which was a mystery problem. She told that her Uncle was very rich and when he died he left his whole property in a will. Then DETECTIVE JASON tried his best to solve the case!!!

He checked the full room and got the complete analyses. Then when he entered their bedroom he found a envelope tied to a Drawer. But he found that nothing was written in that envelope. He only saw the signature of the two servants at the bottom. And after sometime he was able to see some characters written on the paper and told it to Miss Swarn and was sure that there could be second will also to confuse her!!!

Then he called everyone living in the house. But only there lived a couple of servants.. He asked them about the visiting of any people. They only said that nobody came instead of some workers!!!

Then Jason went to the location where the workers lived and asked them about what they had done which was said by the Uncle. They said that they had signed one will given to them by the Uncle. They said that their Uncle gave them one brick to cut a slight cavity!!

Then Jason went back to home examined the bricks of the home and found that one brick was slightly different from others!! He found the cavity and took out a piece of paper and found nothing on the paper...

Then he said to Dave that there is no meaning of finding the solution because it was a very difficult case.. He sat in the train. But when he was going his mind suddenly struck and said to Dave 'JUMP out of the train'.

He immediately went to the house and took the paper which he found in cavity and lit a candle under it!! He found some characters appearing and after sometime all the characters appeared!!!!! Then he found the conclusion that it was the second will...

Then he gave it to Miss Swarn and went back.............

When they were going Dave asked him that there was no meaning of the studies of Miss Swarn as she didn't solve the case.. Jason said that because of her studies only she was able to get the conclusion to contact a detective rather than sitting in confusion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Thanks for reading the story!! And plzz rate it....

If you have some more mystery Sories please write them here..


  • 38 Replies
GoldFire
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GoldFire
107 posts
Nomad

It was a great mistery story!!! Though it needs improvements and it was hard to understand.

SonnyDude
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SonnyDude
316 posts
Peasant

Hey whenever I click on that user why does it come that this page does not exist as we cannot delete our account then what happened to him???

goumas13
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goumas13
4,752 posts
Grand Duke

we cannot delete our accoun

We can delete our accounts if we want we have just to ask Carlie and she can delete accounts.
what happened to him???

His account was deleted, because he wanted so or he was banned.
SonnyDude
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SonnyDude
316 posts
Peasant

Oh I see!!

Nurvana
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Nurvana
2,524 posts
Farmer

Needs work but okay

Betto
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Betto
38 posts
Nomad

It's like: I go to the pizza restaurant to order a pizza and then I pay the pizza and then I can't find the money to pay the pizza so then the pizza restaurant owner investigates in my home to find the money and then adn then and then and then AAAAAND THEEEEEN

Put more mistery, you should be able to make some mind games with us, it should be thrilling, don't care about it looking pointless, make it longer and put more effort in it too?

JereN
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JereN
189 posts
Peasant

a ZOMBIE...run for your lives!!! :O

Moabarmorgamer
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Moabarmorgamer
8,570 posts
Nomad

I didn't really like it. Here's why
1. Way, way too choppy and short. You need to put some adjectives and feeling in there, man! Like instead of

Then he called everyone living in the house.

You could say
"Then, an idea forming in his mind, Jason called up everyone living in the mansion"
See? It just flows a little better,and you've got more of a mental image of what's happening.
2. The mystery was way too short. Let the reader try to solve it! Give clues! Don't just put things so fast, let there be some suspense, and it fell into place too well. Show some difficulty on Jason's part or something!
3. Too many grammatical and spelling errors, plus you tend to repeat yourself. For example...
completed her studies completely

Doesn't that sound kind of choppy?
Another tip, don't make titles like that. It makes you sound kind of desperate(in my opinion). Just put &quotlease rate it!" in your OP.
If you have some more mystery Sories please write them here..

Don't feel like it, but here's a link to my stories. Maybe you can get a better idea of how your story might be better from it.
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