Forums → Art, Music, and Writing → Jezz's Written Mind
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Sorry everyone, I thought it was about time I put everything about me here, in this thread. By that I mean everything i've written and ever will write.
I've recently realised that the only creative talent I have is being an okay writer. I would definately not say I'm very good, but I enjoy it and seem to have a knack for it.
So i'll post anything i've done here, be it written stories, poems, lyrics, doodles, etc.
First few works'll be posted in a sec. I'd love to hear your feedback, and if you'll would kindly not post your own works in here, thanks?
- 197 Replies
Good story are you making it up as you go along? Lol, stupid question.
Bear that in mind. Or is it "bare"? Whatev.)
Bare. =)
sports back
pack? Lol
Interesting Storyline. I am very confused. He plays sports and his parents don't like him? I think I got that right.
Imma do a skim-CC. Not a very thorough one, but a quick one.
snuck
. . .is not a word. It's 'sneaked.'
He snuck out the back door and climbed over the garden gate, making his way to the fields his father tended. The sky was cloudy, casting dark shadows on the already dark ground. The boy ran, stumbling and tripping over the soil and getting caught up in the towering wheat and barley.
This is a decent opening paragraph, though the sentence structure is slightly choppyish. A comma here or there would help a lot.
His foot caught on a dry mound of earth and he went tumbling to the ground. He lay there a while, breathing heavily into the soil, eyes squeezed tightly shut. He could feel his body getting hotter and hotter as he curled his hands into fists. He punched the ground, "No, not yet!"
May want to scrap 'tightly' and 'and hotter' for this to flow a bit better. Though that could be nitpicking. :P
And the bolded sentence. . .is asking for a slight rewrite. It just doesn't seem to convey the direness and cerebral desperation of the oncoming metamorphosis well enough. Maybe something more along the lines of 'His body temperature was rising. . .he could feel it coming on, starting to take control of him, as his hands clenched into fists.'
The clouds parted, allowing pale yellow light to cast upon the area. The boy's head snapped back and he willed his eyes to stay shut. He pounded the ground again, this time leaving a fist shaped hole in the hard soil.
No problems here. I wuv this pawagwaph <3
If I must nitpick though. . .maybe merging the 2nd and 3rd sentences with a comma or hyphen would help somewhat.
His whole body was sweating, his chest heaving with the effort to produce regular slow breaths. As the clouds pulled further apart the moonlight hit him square in the face, dealing him a monsterous blow to his willpower.
Bold = delete, at least by my opinion. Not anything major in this 'graph either. I'm really drawn in by the description of his transformation here.
With that, his eyes pulled themselves open, now fully black pupils, all traces of his once hazel colouring gone. He trained his eyes on the moon, still struggling to fight himself, but also staring at the globe in awe. His body started to shake, loosening the earth beneath him as he writhed in the moonlight. His hands clawed at the soil, ripping up the crops innocently growing around him, as he attempted to shout in protest. All that escaped from his bared teeth was a low snarl. Mud streaked up his arms and face as he continued digging his fingers into the ground, trying to pull himself up. "I can control it." he growled.
Maybe 'ried' instead of 'ulled?' Just seems to fit better imo.
'Innocently' just seems kinda unneeded here.
Also. . .once again, maybe merging a sentence or two would work nicely. You don't really change the structure of the sentences - they're all compound sentences, with a few simple sentences. This would be okay, except all of the sentences are similar in actual length - so splitting or merging a few sentences would make this exceptional and not just good.
Overall, I liked this first part. The execution of it is a bit sloppy in places, and the vocab isn't always very powerful, but it hit the bullseye most of the time and rises into introductional awesomeness.
Jeez Alt...
Don't think I want to post the last part for fear of it getting picked to death.
Erm well Jess...if you don't want to post, erm...could you let me read it? Pwease? :3
[quote]snuck. . .is not a word. It's 'sneaked.'[/quote]
Snuck is a word. >.>
Past tense
Snuck is an Americanism first introduced in the 19th century as a nonstandard regional variant of sneaked. Widespread use of snuck has become more common with every generation. It is now used by educated speakers in all regions. Formal written English is more conservative than other varieties, of course, and here snuck still meets with much resistance. Many writers and editors have a lingering unease about the form, particularly if they recall its nonstandard origins. And 67 percent of the Usage Panel disapproved of snuck in our 1988 survey. Nevertheless, an examination of recent sources shows that snuck is sneaking up on sneaked. Snuck was almost 20 percent more common in newspaper articles published in 1995 than it was in 1985. Snuck also appears in the work of many respected columnists and authors: "He ran up huge hotel bills and then snuck out without paying" (George Stade). "He had snuck away from camp with a cabinmate" (Anne Tyler). "I ducked down behind the paperbacks and snuck out" (Garrison Keillor).
Sorry. Alt. I'll use "snuck" if I want.
If I must nitpick though. . .maybe merging the 2nd and 3rd sentences with a comma or hyphen would help somewhat.How?
Actually no, don't answer that.
I'm really drawn in by the description of his transformation here.What transformation?
Maybe 'ried' instead of 'ulled?' Just seems to fit better imo.Pried sounds slower. I was going to use "snapped" and then take out "themselves", but i'd already used "snapped" earlier and theres no doubt you'd pick up on the repetitiveness.
'Innocently' just seems kinda unneeded here.
Can't be bothered to explain what thats there for. So I'll just leave it.
Anyway, I'm rather irritated so...
Whatever. I'll post the next bit later.
Thankgod its short -.-'
Well, I do know what innocently is used for...it'll be clarified later I guess....
Okay Jess, no more spilling....
Jeez Alt...
Don't think I want to post the last part for fear of it getting picked to death.
Sawwy. . . .
Though I really did like it, I just pointed out some things that could be improved. And I do admit, it was a skimming that turned into a specific CC. Sorry. . . .
*sadface*
Snuck is a word. >.>
Past tense
It isn't the correct form though. Just like the word 'alright,' it's technically incorrect but got used so much that dictionaries relented, and it's even used sometimes in formal things.
And I really want you to post them. . .I liked it a lot. . . . :C
What transformation?
From what I've read, it sounds like he's transforming into a werewolf.
Once again, sorry if I angered you. I was just giving suggestions based on what the conclusions could draw from reading it. I did like it. Really, I did. Once again, I apologize.
Erm, Jess can't get online, so I'll post this part for her.
----------------
"Get away from me!"
A tiny voice fluttered through the trees. "Hi ther-"
"I said GET AWAY!"
The voice sounded indignant. "Well that's no way to talk to someone now, is it?"
"Listen girl, I'm in no fit state to talk polite to you. I don't want to hurt you. I suggest you leave. NOW."
"I don't think you're in any position to hurt me, to be honest boy" came the same sing-song voice. "This your sick fantasy, is it?"
The boy groaned, "Oh just leave will you?! I don't know what you want, but I do know you'll get it in a minute. You can have whatever you like when you're dead."
"Okay boy, I seriously don't like your ton-"
The moon ripped a hole through the clouds. The bird carrying the voice lit up in sparks of orange and red and the boy muttered a barely audible "I warned you..." before losing all human instincts and clawing viciously at the tree trunk, intent on killing his poor victim. The bird was glowing brighter than ever before, matched only by the light from the full moon.
One solitary howl ripped through the night, accompanied by one terrified piercing scream.
-------------
Right, I'll just comment here, so no one will say I double post....
Awshummm story plot Jess :3 I can't wait for more!
Nichooooo you forgot to apologise to Alt for me!
Anyway, sorry Alt. I was just angry with rl issues and your CCing was the straw. I'm not angry with you... I know my writing flaw is my unvaried sentence length.
I'm posting from my new phone xD
I won't have access to the internet all next week so I'll be checking my thread and the WoM from my phone.
Arw.
They're good.
Fer srs. But now, I'm glad Alt never CCs my stuff. >:3
I'm glad Alt never CCs my stuff. >:3
Or my stuff. *cowers in fear*
This gets better and better Jess!
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