Forums

ForumsArt, Music, and Writing

An Emotional Story Part-2

Posted Aug 8, '09 at 5:31am

VoteSocialist

VoteSocialist

969 posts

Your wording is terrible still, for example:

He was very naughty and liked to listen bad words and abuses from others. He had a bad habit of stealing. His name was Jason

.

 

Posted Aug 8, '09 at 7:51am

SonnyDude

SonnyDude

233 posts

Ugh.. Now what was terrible in this??

 

Posted Aug 8, '09 at 8:10am

SonnyDude

SonnyDude

233 posts

They could not find Jason so they locked his father instead of him as his father was given the money with the policy papers>

 

Posted Aug 8, '09 at 9:45am

VoteSocialist

VoteSocialist

969 posts

Your wording is terrible still

Ugh.. Now what was terrible in this??

.........

 

Posted Aug 8, '09 at 9:47am

SonnyDude

SonnyDude

233 posts

I will post my next story on 15th August..

 

Posted Aug 8, '09 at 10:15am

zwoots

zwoots

30 posts

hmm... Very interesting story :D
It's not that emotional though >.>

 

Posted Aug 8, '09 at 10:57am

SonnyDude

SonnyDude

233 posts

Ok..

 

Posted Aug 8, '09 at 10:58am

SonnyDude

SonnyDude

233 posts

LOL you can`t become a general in the army in two years plus you have to get one of the best school educations for it.

I don't have much knowledge about army..

 

Posted Aug 8, '09 at 1:42pm

VoteSocialist

VoteSocialist

969 posts

Make a story about a Utopia where anything is possible!

 

Posted Aug 8, '09 at 3:27pm

Moabarmorgamer

Moabarmorgamer

2,251 posts

Very much improved, Sonny! But it's still kind of choppy wording(don't put the sentences like that. You're pushing enter too much). And you can't become a general in 2 years. Maybe he gets the Congressional Medal of Honor, instead? That's the highest award America bestows, and it can be gotten by someone on any rank; they have to do something really amazing that saves many lives. Maybe that will help?
And yeah, not really emotional. It's kind of short and just sort of says how he is....

 
Reply to An Emotional Story Part-2

You must be logged in to post a reply!