ForumsArt, Music, and WritingAn Emotional Story Part-2

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SonnyDude
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SonnyDude
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Character Of a Person


Once there was a family of a boy, mother and father who lived in a town. They had a horse. They were very poor as they were the only people in the town who didn't own a car. They also had a garage which was in a deplorable state and their horse was an eyesore (Not good looking) Itâs hooves were spread wide apart which showed their poverty and the boy was ashamed of it.

The name of the boy was Jack. His mother was a very good person. She never let them feel that they were poor. She new the secrets of using brightly coloured curtains and painted in the right places. This gave the house a better look. She always told her family members that living on little inculcates moral values and if they had character, it was preferable to wealth.

His father was very generous and very honest. Though he got a moderate salary but he spent half of it for supporting his relatives.


Once there was a gala night of the country fair. There was very excitement as the winner of the Shining Buick(an expensive and a good car.) was going to be announced in the lottery. Time of waiting had ended and the winner was Jack's father.

The whole family was very excited and went to home but Jack decided to come late because he wanted to share his joy with his friends.

But when he returned home he saw that there was no sound of celebration and the house was dark. He was confused.

He rushed to his father to share his joy. But....He was shocked of his father's reaction. When he came to hug his father he pushed him away and snarled at him.

When he asked his mother that was the problem, she answered that his father had bought two tickets. One for his Boss and the other for himself. To distinguish between them he marked a small letter 'K' on ticket no. 348 on it's top right corner. The judges did not saw it and told the name of the buyer i.e. Jackâs father.

As his father was very honest, he was feeling depressed that should he give the car to his boss or keep it with himself as he had bought the tickets?

The boy was small and thought that it was an 'open and shut case'(a problem which can be solved easily). He thought that his father bought the tickets so the car belongs to his father not the boss.

His father was not practical about his family and had made the decision in his honesty. He ringed up the boss and told him the truth.

His boss was Jim Kendrick who was a millionaire but he was selfish and greedy. He owned a dozen cars. Instead of offering the car to Jack's father, he sent two chauffeurs to collect it and compensated for it by giving a box of cigars.

When the boy was small he didn't understood his father's decision but when he grew up he understood that by giving the car to the boss his father had proved that he had more character than his boss...

Thanx for reading
~~~SonnyDude~~~


If you were at the place of the boss, what would you have done?? Comments are welcome!!

  • 130 Replies
thisisnotanalt
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thisisnotanalt
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Hmmm. . .it's good overall, but the pacing and flow of the story isn't very good. The beginning, 'once there was. . . .' doesn't help, and events just seem to. . .happen with no transition. It isn't bad, but the plot just seems to be really disjointed. You're showing a story, not telling it - you want the events to occur in a natural fashion, not just like 'he did this. And he was like thisthisthis. Then he did this.' YOu want more depth than that, and getting that depth would make this a good story. And, even though it is 3rd person, you really want to get in the head of your character, show his feelings, show the feelings of the others. Your wording really needs to be kicked up a notch for there to really be an impact - and you want the story to wallop the reader with a concussive force, not just for it to throw a popcorn kernel at the reader's forehead.

SonnyDude
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Hey guys you can also submit your stories also!!

VoteSocialist
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What is UTOPIA??


A perfect world!
SonnyDude
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Ok!!

thisisnotanalt
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thisisnotanalt
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Hey guys you can also submit your stories also!!



It was a strange sensation, drowning. Once could not call it unpleasant - though it by no means was a joy ride, it brought about a morbid calmness. Even though he could have grabbed on to one of the scraps of metal from the blasted-apart boat he was passenger on, he didn't. He would never know why. Of course, the few waterlogged minutes he had to contemplate this decision as his lungs filled with saltwater were not suitable for mulling over such an issue - quite to the contrary, actually. Perhaps it was some sort of requiem he had been searching for. . .? An elegant ending to the trainwreck that his life had been, a way to add some flair to an otherwise gray experience? Of course, this led onto another tangent of thought - why is gray always considered boring? Is it a stereotype? A general walk of thought? A trail of thinking paved over and 4-laned for it to become a highway of synchronized human thought? A widely accepted epoch of relation?

He would never get the chance to finish thinking through this tangent. One's brain can only function for so long with no oxygen, after all. I guess it's time to return to the water. . . .

He had always found sanctuary in some aspects of Hindu and Buddhist thought - the reassurance was something comforting to him.

Of course, this was not a common circumstance - a idiosyncratic death sequence, to say the least. He had, all his life, lived on a British island. It was during WWII - U-boats were patrolling the water, shooting down any ship that left port. Vultures, willing to kill for an evil man and an evil cause. . .even civilians were the enemy, of course. . . . He, however, wanted to leave. The attacks had come to a lull, and he was confident his ship would be spared from the salvos of torpedos customary for the ships attacked before, especially since they appeared to be departing to some other mission.

He wasn't sure that his family would beg him to stay if he had one. He had always viewed them as a burden. People who live with you? Talk to you all the time? Depend on you? what a waste of molecules, families are. . . . He prided himself on his lack of a family to a point. Whether it was genuine or a psychological filter put up by his subconscious to feel less self-pity was not something he could determine - nor did he want to. So he didn't, and he never would.

He took his money and his ticket to the port, presenting them to the manager of the place. He waved him through - appearing more concerned with his lack of hair then the chance of his passengers dying painful deaths - and the rest of the passengers as well, snatching the money and stashing it.

He gripped the rail as he got on the boat. He could move to London, write a book or two, and sit on what he had - easy enough. Of course, for him, the boat ride itself would be the hardest part of the path to success.

He hated riding on that boat. It never stopped rocking enough to give him a rest (he was a light sleeper) and the food was paltry in flavor when applied to his (according to him) impeccable palate.

Then, he was shocked out of his half-asleep state on his bed. The captain had ordered the passengers awake. They were to prepare to be sunk, just in case. He didn't deem this necessary. He sneaked back into his room and did his best to re-enter that state of dazed resting.

Then, he heard a crunch of metal. A visceral tearing of the ship's hull, the inside exposed to the ocean. The water seemed eager to pervade the interior - to soak the decor, waterlog the halls, and lap against every door. So it did. Ocean water is not easily denied entry into a boat - not least when the entrance is so large. So, the humans yielded to the saltwater.

Then, another hit - the ship couldn't stand being hit twice at all. It was torn apart. Shrapnel flying every which way, scraps of metal and wood relaxing on the waves. The passengers were not so buoyant. Not being proficient swimmers, most of them drowned.

He had the clout to resist the water by treading it - an audacious act that couldn't go on forever. So it didn't.

The water seemed never to lose it's energy - it was always hyperactive, splashing around, coaxing his head under the water. He conceded. Such battles of force are not like debates. Oh, how I wish they were. . . .

His mind wasn't racing - it was taking a walk in the park, really. It sped up to a jog, before breaking into a run the deeper he sunk. It was short-lived. As aforementioned, you can only think do long when waterlogged and deprived of oxygen.

ehhh

---------

His vision blurred. . . .
Footfalls were heard on the linoleum floor. Oh, the linoleum floor.
He remembered it pristinely- more clearly than most other aspects of his surroundings. How it seemed to swallow all thought- before spitting it out in a transparent ghost of the lights on the ceiling, warped from their shape. Warped like his consciousness. Warped like his perception. He felt some sort of ethereal bond with this floor- like him, it was forced to be a patron to the other half- the distorted view.
He wasn't sure what had happened. There were few thing he could remember- a noise. The roaring of a gaggle of drunken people, talking the hell out of every small subject they could find. There were hors d'oeuvre. . .music. There was a tender of some sort- behind a large wooden table, with bottle upon bottle stacked behind him. Chairs. People. One person, in particular.
His perception of the situation was dampened by the daze and the noise. His senses were assaulted by the area. His sight was overpowered by lights and the wave of humanity dancing and walking around the small area. He stumbled to the door. . . .
A person bumped into him. It wasn't a small bump, more of a slight collision, knocking both of them bck and shocking them. When the other person regained his senses somewhat, he was angry. His fist flew forward, and it hit something. Was it him? He couldn't tell. He felt something. Something painful. There was also something on his face- it wasn't supposed to be there. It was a red shock running down his lips and his chin. an unwelcome visitor upon his countenance; he wanted it to go away. He didn't want it there. But very time he wiped it away, more of it flowed down, as if it was purposely angering him in his drunken daze. His emotion welled up inside him, coming to a point in his fist. It was like pure momentum- it had to go somewhere. And the man he had bumped into was within arm's reach. He threw his anger forward, giving it to him. Contrary to his expectations, the other man wasn't happy with the gift he got. He quite frankly took it rather badly, all things considered.
The man was an Indian giver, for sure. He didn't want to keep what he had given him- and he decided to return it in a new packaging. A chair. A nice new way to wrap the gift of his force and anger, though the liquid red visitor upon his face seemed to fancy it too much. It truehsed out to greet the chair as it came back around onto the floor.
At that point, others took notice. Bar fights were somewhat common, but not taken lightly. The violence found itslef broken up by men in uniform. Badges- now little pinpoints of light in his vision- were pinned to their lapels. They faded away into blackness, just as did the bar and the irate man, still holding the chair in his grasp.
He could feel himself moving- but he couldn't see or hear. He could taste blood in his mouth, it's metallic taste lingering on his tongue.
They took him far down the road- or whatever they were travelling on. Some conduit of public motor of transportation, kt was, being used by the ar and it's lights as it sped down the highway to an unknown destination. The lights crooned their message over and over again- the same WEEEEEEE-OOOOOOOOO repeated. The red and blue lights welcomed him along with the men- they appeared to be police- as he regained his consciousness.
He asked, "Wh-what happened?"
"You, sir,were in a nasty fight. Busted up bad. You are going to the hospital first and foremost," the driver replied.
"Oh. So that was what happened?"
"Yes."
"Hmmmmm. . .why did we fight?"
"Someone at the scene said that you just bumped into him, and he punched you in the face. Then, you hit back, and he got you good with a chair."
"Oh. My head hurts. . . ."
"Now THAT'S a surprise."
He didn't dignify the policeman with a response- he faded into sleep once more.
He emerged from the depths of unconsciousness half-heartedly- never fully pushing above the surface tension, but not dwelling in the deep. There were lights all over the place- warped by the linoleum floor of the. . .was it a hospital? Yes, that sounded right. . . .
He felt a sympathy for the floor as he was supported by the policemen to his hospital room. The floor could never see nor display the complete truth of what it was reflecting- like he couldn't make anything of the hall-of-mirrors that was the barfight. Both of them were part of the other half. They couldn't see or act clearly when under the spell of distortion. They had only one difference. . . .
Floors can't drink alcohol.

okay
VoteSocialist
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Hated it, I like SonnyDude's car story! It was very simple and funny.

SonnyDude
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SonnyDude
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I like SonnyDude's car story! It was very simple and funny.


Thanx..
SonnyDude
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3 days to go!!














































































































































































For the next story..

VoteSocialist
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VoteSocialist
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3 days to go!!
For the next story..


Make it have something to do with economics.
SonnyDude
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SonnyDude
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2 days to go!!

Make it have something to do with economics.


But I am making it on UTOPIA!!

The next after the next story will on economics..
SonnyDude
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SonnyDude
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OOO!!!

The day is today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

VoteSocialist
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Repeat after me:

Viva La Revolution!


http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/d/dc/Hammer_and_sickle.png

marton96
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Repeat after me:

Viva La Revolution!




Viva La Revolution! I love Che

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/d/dc/Hammer_and_sickle.png
SonnyDude
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What does that sign mean??

Long Live Revolution!!

Parsat
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Parsat
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SonnyDude: In Chinese, we have a saying: "If you write with red ink, you'll get it on your fingers. If you write with black ink, you'll get it on your fingers." It basically means that the people you hang around are going to affect you. Just letting you know...

Also, the hammer and sickle is a communist symbol, so you know.

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