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Haiku Contest - Broken Bond (page 531, due: Feb 2)

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Posted Nov 10, '12 at 11:47pm

EmperorPalpatine

EmperorPalpatine

4,972 posts

I've spoken to a moderator about changing the title twice.

I've had to do that before. I guess they're a lot busier due to the updates and stuff. Well, it's fixed now: better late than never. Hopefully it'll generate a surge of participation, since there's little time left in the round.

 

Posted Nov 11, '12 at 5:00pm

xXxDAPRO89xXx

xXxDAPRO89xXx

3,549 posts

Here is my first attempt at a haiku :)

The tunnel's frail light
Guides only the heaviest of souls
Enlightened, again.

A darker approach which in longer words kinda means this:
After death, you heart may be heavy, but keep going and find heaven.
Like it? =)

 

Posted Nov 11, '12 at 5:36pm

GhostOfMatrix

GhostOfMatrix

11,687 posts

Knight

^ Haiku's here must be in a 5-7-5 syllable template. Your middle line is too long.

 

Posted Nov 11, '12 at 10:00pm

xXxDAPRO89xXx

xXxDAPRO89xXx

3,549 posts

^ Haiku's here must be in a 5-7-5 syllable template. Your middle line is too long.

Poopies. :P I mistakenly took heaviest for a one syllable word lol... My mistake i'll redo that line...

The tunnel's frail light
Is the end of a journey.
But only just one

Again a darker approach... Does you like it? :)

 

Posted Nov 12, '12 at 12:33am

EmperorPalpatine

EmperorPalpatine

4,972 posts

Does you like it? :)

It's fine, it meets the requirements, but the last line is a bit clunky. 'Only just' seems repetitive, as either word would communicate the message. Repetition isn't usually favorable in haiku, other than for a strong emphasis, as it uses up precious syllables. Offhand, I can think of no less than 5 concise alternative lines, but that's just my input. You're not required to change anything, so don't feel that you have to.

 

Posted Nov 12, '12 at 3:39pm

xXxDAPRO89xXx

xXxDAPRO89xXx

3,549 posts

^ ^ ^ ^ ^
5000th post :D Congrats EmperorPalpatine :D

And yeah i don't think it's that good either... I couldn't think of anything else at that stressed moment... Lemme think about it. :P

The tunnel's frail light
Is the end of a journey.
A well fought battle.

Okay... This is my final revision. It seems to make more sense...

And am i the only submission lol...?

 

Posted Nov 12, '12 at 4:11pm

murasaki9

murasaki9

1,342 posts

Today is the twelfth of November. That means that all Haiku's are due today. No more submissions will be accepted, unless I am otherwise mistaken.
That said, my next post will be to announce the winner and the two runner-ups. Good luck people!

 

Posted Nov 12, '12 at 4:23pm

murasaki9

murasaki9

1,342 posts

I know, I know, I said my next post would be to announce the winner's but to answer your question, xXxDAPRO89xXx:

And am i the only submission lol...?

No, you're not. You have at least six submissions behind you.

 

Posted Nov 12, '12 at 4:35pm

xXxDAPRO89xXx

xXxDAPRO89xXx

3,549 posts

No, you're not. You have at least six submissions behind you

Oh yeah there are six behind me... All on page 497 :P

 

Posted Nov 12, '12 at 4:56pm

murasaki9

murasaki9

1,342 posts

Okay, here are the results. Don't be angry with me if you don't like it. And don't think I pick favorites just because I picked you. Additionally, those who ignored the theme, well...read on.

IC4I - 5th Place

Through the corridor
From it's darkness into light
A true victory

I'm confused about this one. I wasn't sure about that little 'it's'. I'm sure 'From it is darkness into light' doesn't sound right.

The Gentleman - 4th Place

I'l fight. Forever.
Thru pain. Thru fear. Fall, never.
Light. Will came. I'm sure.

You forgot the second 'l' in 'I'll' and spelled 'through' as 'thru'. Yep, grammar is good, my friend but good grammar is even better. Doesn't matter how you spell 'through' it's always one syllable so no problem there. Good work though, the poem, though rough and short is very blunt making it more poignant.

Jacen96 - 3rd Place

The War

As this long war ends;
Some fights won, but others lost;
We triumph at last.

Congrats on 3rd place. Odd usage of punctuation, but hey, content matters too. Good work.

jdoggparty - 2nd Place

When all hope is gone
He helps you out the tunnel
Appearing as light

Beautiful premise but the language is somewhat awkward. Haikus are hard to master, but well done anyways. The message is very uplifting.

xXxDAPRO89xXx - 1st Place

The tunnel's frail light
Is the end of a journey.
A well fought battle.

Well worded, impeccable punctuation and grammar. I like how 'frail light' kind of runs together like smooth music. 'End' and 'journey' work well together, the assonance is both symbolically and physically meaningful. Great work! Run, run, go get your merit!!

There you have it. By the way, those are my comments after each submission. They are not an indication of why I picked each one for each place. Those are just some things to be mindful of when you submit again. Good work everyone!

Now...what am I supposed to do? Make another theme?
*looks around furtively*
Let's do.

New Theme: The Thanksgiving Spirit
Let's try a new twist on this one. I'll give everyone plenty of time. Due November 30th. Good luck, minna-san!