Forums

ForumsArt, Music, and Writing

Haiku Contest - Broken Bond (page 531, due: Feb 2)

Thread Locked

Posted Dec 15, '12 at 4:49pm

murasaki9

murasaki9

1,396 posts

Good luck, minna-san!

 

Posted Dec 16, '12 at 12:38am

pangtongshu

pangtongshu

9,759 posts

I'll have the results up tonight unless I missed someone's.


Er...Emp?
 

Posted Dec 16, '12 at 12:43am

EmperorPalpatine

EmperorPalpatine

9,477 posts

Er...Emp?

Chill (pun intended). I've been doing last-minute revisions for the past hour.

Since no complaints were made regarding submissions, here you go.

A lot of these are just too darn similar. My interpretations are likely way off, but...

--------------------
[When I say "Punctuation should be consistant", I don't necessarily mean that every line needs it, nor is it required, but if you're using it, make it flow consistantly because it seems a bit disjointed.]
--------------------

xXxDAPRO89xXx

Paradise of ice.
A parade never-ending.
The one icey life

Punctuation should be consistant. The slight alliterations of nEver-Ending and [i]cey l[i]fe were uplifting. I see it as an Inuit tribesman appreaciating all that he has, enjoying the vast expanse of the Arctic.

--------------------
Arceus12

Paradise in ice,
Like an ice-cold block of ice
They live in ice now

Punctuation should be consistant. Who is this 'they'? I don't quite get the need for saying that ice is similar to an ice-cold block of ice, other than for the syllables. Redundancy is redundant. The last line seems stretched for syllables, as well. Anyway, I interpret this as a young couple that froze to death in eachother's arms; long gone, yet inseperable.

--------------------
pickpocket

Paradise of ice
It's where I keep all my food
Refrigerator

The message is good: convenience is indeed a luxury that we should all be grateful for. But the second line seems a bit choppy. "It's where I keep all of my food" would've flowed better, but then there would be a syllable issue.

--------------------
xerox

Cold air passes through...
Winter finally is here:
Paradise of ice!

This really seems to capture the overall feeling of Winter: how warmly accepted these chilly months can be; that it's something to be anticipated instead of scorned. Anyway, the flow is good and the tone is uplifting.

--------------------
Roxxar123

The cold air of ice,
Brings a feel of paradise
Paradise of ice.

Punctuation should be consistant. The rhyming and repetition give it a decent flow. This seems like a person is freezing to death, but they are numbed beyond pain, so it feels blissful and calming to them.

--------------------
killersup10

blistering tundra
beautiful swollen snowflakes
frozen paradise

This reminds me of looking out the window as a child when it would snow, and the snow would pile high in exquisite mounds; unmoving, other than the sand-like dusting on top... Anyway, it has a good flow, but, although not required, punctuation/capitalization would've been nice.

--------------------
Maverick4


I can't be bothered
To even attempt to feel.
Apathy at last!

A strange, but welcome twist on the theme. This has a similar connotation to Roxxar123's poem: it appears quite dismal to an external observer, but to the individual, it is pleasant. Anyway, the flow is good and the tone is very uplifting.

--------------------
Nichodemus

Pleasing shade of pink,
Scent of the blazing tropics,
Yet cool on the tongue.

Another welcome twist, saying that the ice tastes like a warm paradise. I like the contrast and sensory imagery. It also flows very well.

--------------------
MagicTree

Blissful cold freezes,
Shards of ice make a mosaic
Snow rests, soft and silent

Punctuation should be consistant. I like the strong imagery, about how each individual snowflake joins and contributes to the whole. It's a lovely metaphor for humanity. A very good flow with a slightly diminishing tone.

--------------------
pangtongshu


So call'd paradise!
A white demon's tyranny
Traps hope down, frozen

This reminds me of how Russian prisoners were occasionally sent to Siberia as punishment for their crimes: some saw it as a taste of freedom; to others, death. The dismal tone is good, in this case.

--------------------

69_lol_69

Paradise of ice.
An entourage of coldness
Icicle loving.

I'm not sure how the last line fits. What is loving the icicle(s)? Is it a particular person's fetish? Is it that the land's conditions create them? With any interpretation, that last line still seems disjointed and hinders the flow quite a bit.

--------------------
And the winner is...

(extremely long dramatic pause)
















killersup10


There were others that I would've likely chosen, but yours happened to strike a strong emotional chord. Good job.


--------------------

killersup10's poem will be proudly displayed in the about of the account HaikuContestWinners, at least until an official archive is made.

--------------------

The NEXT THEME is: Naughty or Nice. It will be due Dec 24 11:59pm AGtime. Have fun, everyone!
 

Posted Dec 16, '12 at 9:51am

xXxDAPRO89xXx

xXxDAPRO89xXx

5,964 posts

The slight alliterations of nEver-Ending and [i]cey l[i]fe were uplifting.


lol... I never notice these things xD But thanks for your crit.
 

Posted Dec 16, '12 at 10:05am

GhostOfHorror

GhostOfHorror

900 posts

Congratulations, Killersup.

Anyhow, I'll try do something for this theme even though it's a bit bleh.

 

Posted Dec 16, '12 at 1:58pm

killersup10

killersup10

2,766 posts

And the winner is...

(extremely long dramatic pause)

killersup10

There were others that I would've likely chosen, but yours happened to strike a strong emotional chord. Good job.


waht. staph. Emp waht r u doing.


:O :O :O :O :O :O :O :O :O :O :O :O :O :O :O :O :O :O WHAAAAAT!!?? Really? WHAAAAT?
 

Posted Dec 16, '12 at 2:49pm

murasaki9

murasaki9

1,396 posts

Congratulations, Killersup!

 

Posted Dec 17, '12 at 2:19am

pangtongshu

pangtongshu

9,759 posts

Blood dries on his knife
We curse, despite our hunger
As he hands us bread

Just in case...I'm using a one syllable our

 

Posted Dec 17, '12 at 3:05am

GhostOfHorror

GhostOfHorror

900 posts

@Pang, the first two lines are good but the ending seems a bit abrupt.

 

Posted Dec 17, '12 at 4:14am

pangtongshu

pangtongshu

9,759 posts

@Pang, the first two lines are good but the ending seems a bit abrupt.


1) Who is this Pang? Is he an imposter of me..pang?

2) A bit of what I was going for...a sudden entrance of a new/lighter viewpoint on the person

3) Could have made something much better...in my opinion it seems pretty weak..especially compared to how I'm used to writing (and compared to my other haikus..)..but only one submission per user..so oh well haha