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Secretmapper
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Secretmapper
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Hi guys! This is a prologue to my new story

My name is Li Kun. But you could call me Li.

People assume I got it all. That I have a Great family and a Great life. I'm confident, maybe over-confident. Still, that is what they think.

My surname is "Li". That is what makes the world press down on my shoulder. My clan, magic runs throught their veins. Everyone of them, except me.

What makes it harder is that I'm the only boy in our family, and I'm considered to be a DIRECT descendant from the inventor and teacher of magic. That means I have to keep the family's name in glory, and that is the only reason they have not yet completely banished me.

.........But how could I do that If I don't have magic?

Everytime, I felt like I was nobody. Like I'm the odd one out. "Kun" means universe. Perhaps I'm alone in my own universe.


I don't have any magical powers. I'm not like them...I'm...different. It never seemed quite fair. The only time I would feel close to my family was with pretending magic. Shooting a rock at a bale of hay and it catches fire. Of course I knew it was my father.

My family would always not let me go to social gatherings. They say "I'm too special". But deep inside I do know that they are only ashamed of me. They are too ashamed of their own son.


I covered up how I felt. I acted arrogant because I was afraid the others would sense my feelings and look at them as weaknesses. I wasn't like that all the time; sometimes I really did feel confident. Sometimes I just overlooked it and tried not to think about it...sometimes I was jealous, but after seeing how my family just rolled their eyes, I tried not to. I didn't want them to look down on me.

Now that I'm 10, My family is sending me to Japan, so that I can spend my "enlightment" there. It is our family tradition for a ten year old boy to finally receive all of the magic that he meant to have. They said that I should spend it in Japan just to "see something new". But I know they just want that to happen so that our relatives don't see how weak I am.

  • 33 Replies
CommanderDude7
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CommanderDude7
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I like this story too. Hope you continue it.

whimsyboy
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whimsyboy
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Just saying, there's already a published book name The Inferior by Peadar O'Guilin.
It looks good so far, except for some minor spelling and grammar details.

MoonFairy
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MoonFairy
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Nice job. I like that you gave a back story to it, now I want to know what is next. So this served its purpose. Keep it up

Trumpetfury
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Trumpetfury
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Good story, dont have much to say about it... lol, hope to read more!

Secretmapper
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Secretmapper
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CHAPTER I: The start of a dream (or nightmare)

"You will go to Japan tomorrow" My mother said with her sweet but faking voice. I still can't get it out off my head.

It wasn't long really, I didn't realize that we were already in Japan. As I step out the plane, I breathe for the first time the air in this country. Even though my family travels a lot, we haven't traveled to Japan yet, so I completely do not know anything here. The only people I know here are myself and my personal attendant, Chang. He has been with me since I was a kid, and I feel much more emotionally linked to him than to my own family.

"Master, have you gone day dreaming again?" I heard an old voice passing through my right ears.

"Oh sorry Chang, where was I?" I asked to him. But I received no response from him, but only rather movements of the hand toward the computer monitor.

I looked at the monitor, and realized that I was actually talking to my mother.

(Will try to update more)

Secretmapper
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Secretmapper
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CHAPTER I: Continuation

"Oh mother where were we?" I asked, trying to hide my disgust.

"Li you were only there for five hours and you already miss us? Look at you, your frowning. Don't worry you will have a great time there I promise. Oh and so you can be happy there we arranged you to go to school there." She said

"What!" I shouted, even though I tried to stop myself.

"Oh! Look at that, you are already excited. Don't worry, your going there tomorrow!" She said with her sweet voice again, disgusting.

" Why do I even bother... " I mumbled to myself.

"Excuse me son? Are you saying anything?"

"None, Don't worry about it. Ahhm.... mom, I still need to unpack my things. so I need to be going now. Bye!"

"Bye Li kun!"

"Bye"

I closed my computer and kicked the wall so that my computer chair would slide away from it. I asked Chang to make a detailed explanation of the school.

"Yes master!"

"Oh and Chang, close the lights."

"Do you really have to sleep on the chair master?"

"I'm tired, just close it please."

"Of course master."

Chang closed the lights, and I doozed off at the chair.



"Master, Master, your late for school." Chang said as he is tapping my shoulder.

"What, so my mother was serious, I'll attend it today?"

"Yes master. The school is just around the corner, I've pinpointed it on your PDA master."

"Oh thank you. What time is it?"

"6:30 master"

"HUH! really? Oversleeping was never an issue for me."

"Master you should get going now."

"Oh okay"

So I went to the bathroom. Chang is really a great attendant. He prepared everything in a way just like I feel at home. I should really thank him for all he has done for me.

I opened the shower, and my face looking at ...Oh s***!

"Master! Master" Chang knocked and shouted.

"Oh its nothing, I never thought the water here is hot."

"Oh I'm sorry master, It was my fault, I..."

"Don't worry chang. Its okay. Anyways is my uniform ready? Could you fetch it for me?"

So after a few minutes I was dressed, and went for school. I didn't want to take the limo, but Chang insisted.

"Oh so your the new student! My name is Yuu, I'll be your new teacher. Call me Yuu-sensei."

The teacher directed me to the classroom, where he asked me to stay outside. Then he called my name, and I opened the sliding door and entered the room......

Strop
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Strop
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You know, I wonder whether your prologue should be more of a synopsis and not actually published as part of the story. Because I can see the basis of a good story in it but it... well it pretty much tells me everything that a novel should cover in an exposition. You could write several thousand words fleshing out the basis behind Li Kun's character, and it would make for excellent reading.

Secretmapper
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Secretmapper
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You know, I wonder whether your prologue should be more of a synopsis and not actually published as part of the story. Because I can see the basis of a good story in it but it... well it pretty much tells me everything that a novel should cover in an exposition. You could write several thousand words fleshing out the basis behind Li Kun's character, and it would make for excellent reading.


Can you please rephrase this Strop? PLEASE PLEASE PLEAsE??????? I can't understand the half of it. I'm just so stupid.
CommanderDude7
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CommanderDude7
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I like his attendent chang. Kinda the butler that everyone likes. Keep it up.

Secretmapper
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Secretmapper
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Chapter II:

Upon entering the classroom, I heard the giggles of the girls. "Oh he's so cute" "He is a he?" "Wow"

"Okay guys this is your new classmate, Li kun. Oh and Li you can sit on the empty chair besides Ms. Naomi. Naomi, raise your right hand so that Mr. Li Kun could identify you." After he said that, a girl raised her hand. I then sat on the empty chair beside her.

"Okay classes are about to start, direct your attention to me."

Upon seating, I felt a very weird feeling. I felt that the I have met the girl beside me before. I'm sure I've not yet though. Still, Curiosity got the best of me, and I asked "Have we met before?"

Naomi was about to speak when I felt a tap on my right shoulder. I turned around to face the person and found a boy, probably another classmate, glaring at me awkwardly. âDonât you dare try to pick on Naomi. I am warning you right now,â the boy warned.

âHirotaka!â Naomi protested. âAll he did was just ask me a simple question! And the answer is no, I havenât met you before. You must have mistaken me for someone else.â

I frowned, and asked âSo this is Hirotaka?â pointing to the guy at my right, who was still fuming at me.

Hiirotaka slammed his hands on his table, thus earning the curious glances from his classmates as well as Yuu-sensei. âYou do not have the permission to call Naomi by her real name! Absolutely no permission. I'm warning you!â

âHirotaka!â Mizuki-sensei warned. âNo fighting in class.â

âYes, sensei. I was just reminding our new transfer student here manners,â came the taunting reply.

Ignoring him, I thought "His name is Hirotaka alrightâ

After thinking, I looked at the noisy Hirotaka and sighed. Looks like I donât even have peace in school... Just my luck! Going to another country was bad, and now this!

MoonFairy
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MoonFairy
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Well, you started to get messy around here Secret. The Sensei is Yuu, not Mizuki. This kind of gives subtle hints at the plot of Karate Kid. lol. Don't C/P from Word please. The squares annoy most people, me for example.
The character, Naomi, has no description. Same with Hirotaka. Neither does the Main Character.
Good ideas, messy placement.
Do you want me to edit it for you, just to give you a slight preview at how amazing it could be with a bit of help?

Secretmapper
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Secretmapper
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Oh yeah. This is the edited version:
(tnx for the tip)

Chapter II: Unknown terrain

Upon entering the classroom, I heard the giggles of the girls. "Oh he's so cute" "He is a he?" "Wow"

"Okay guys this is your new classmate, Li kun. Oh and Li you can sit on the empty chair besides Ms. Naomi. Naomi, raise your right hand so that Mr. Li Kun could identify you." After Mr. Yuu said that, a girl raised her hand. She was smiling at me, she had cute amber eyes, and short brown hair. I then sat on the empty chair beside her.

"Okay classes are about to start, direct your attention to me."

Upon seating, I felt a very weird feeling. I felt that I have met the girl beside me, Naomi, before. I'm sure I've not yet though. Still, Curiosity got the best of me, and I asked "Have we met before?"

Naomi was about to speak when I felt a tap on my right shoulder. I turned around to face the person and found a boy, probably another classmate, glaring at me awkwardly. He had a striking personality, and he had the same hairstyle as Leon from the Resident Evil Series. "Don't you dare try to pick on Naomi. I am warning you right now, the boy warned.

"Hirotaka!" Naomi protested. "All he did was just ask me a simple question! And the answer is no, I haven't met you before. You must have mistaken me for someone else."

I frowned, and asked "So this is Hirotaka?" pointing to the guy at my right, who was still fuming at me.

Hiirotaka slammed his hands on his table, thus earning the curious glances from his classmates as well as Yuu-sensei. "You do not have the permission to call Naomi by her real name! Absolutely no permission. I'm warning you!"

"Hirotaka!" Yuu-Sensei warned. "No fighting in class."

"Yes, sensei. I was just reminding our new transfer student here manners," came the taunting reply.

Ignoring him, I thought "His name is Hirotaka alright"

After thinking, I looked at the noisy Hirotaka and sighed. Looks like I don't even have peace in school... Just my luck! Going to another country was bad, and now this!

Chapter III:

Oh well, 1 year isn't so long. After this "enlightenment" I can go back for sure!

I looked at Yuu-sensei, talking and writing in the blackboard. "Japanese" I said to myself "Just great..." I should get a translator tomorrow.

Then I looked at my left, and said "Naomi, what the heck is he talking about. I don't know Japanese?"

I received no reply from her. She was rubbing her eyes and yawning. "Not enough sleep?" I asked her.

"Ya, all this things I have to do. They're just so many!"

"What exactly is that?" I asked, when I heard a loud roar from the front part of the class. "Li KUN! Stop chit chatting. Stand up."

"Ahmm, yes sensei, truly sorry." I said in embarrassment.
"You should be." He said as he turn around.

"That's what you should get! Who do you think you are barging in and talking with Naomi as easy as that?" I heard a voice behind me. It was Hirotaka.

What the hack did I do to him?????

I'll ask what's the big deal with him later. I'm more concerned with Naomi.

.....Later, during recess, I was about to talk to her when a large crown of girls went to me.

"Hey what country did you come from?" "How did you get so cute?" "What's your mobile number?"

I tried ignoring them, but they were so many. I looked at the far end, near the door, and I saw Naomi being dragged away by Hirotaka.

whimsyboy
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Ooh I smell a love triangle.

This is really cool. Keep it up.

Secretmapper
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Secretmapper
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More comments Please :P

Chapter II: continuation

I tried to move away, but the number of girls were just too many.

By the time I finished maneuvering and talking my way out, recess wass finished too. Hirotaka and Naomi sat on their respective seats. Darn

Still I could use this time so I can talk to her more....

Yuu-Sensei came back. I realized that he was also our teacher in Math.

"Hey Naomi, you haven't answered my question yet. What exactly are you doing?" I asked again, trying so that Hirotaka will not hear me.

She laughed awkwardly, and said "Oh its nothing, you know chores and stuff..."

"Li and Naomi! Why are the both of you talking in my class? One hour detention after school" Yuu-Sensei said. " I am dissapointed with you
try to update later.... GTG

Secretmapper
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Secretmapper
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More comments Please :P

Chapter II: continuation

I tried to move away, but the number of girls were just too many.

By the time I finished maneuvering and talking my way out, recess was finished too. Hirotaka and Naomi sat on their respective seats. Darn

Still I could use this time so I can talk to her more....

Yuu-Sensei came back. I realized that he was also our teacher in Math.

"Hey Naomi, you haven't answered my question yet. What exactly are you doing?" I asked again, trying so that Hirotaka will not hear me.

She laughed awkwardly, and said "Oh its nothing, you know chores and stuff..."

"Li and Naomi! Why are the both of you talking in my class? One hour detention after school" Yuu-Sensei said. " I am dissapointed especially with you Li kun! Being noisy on the first day. As with you Naomi, I am surprised by the way you act."

"I am sorry sensei. But please, punish only me, It was because of me, she had nothing to do with it."

"No buts, detention for an hour! Thinking about it, no! Stay outside the classroom until I finish my subject. OUT!" Yuu-Sensei said with a dissapointed face. I hurriedly went outside.

"Don't worry Li, It wasn't your fault, I replied to your question after all." She said. Her face was not as cheerful as I saw earlier. Something is bugging her.

"No, If it wasn't because for my question the both of us wouldn't be here." I said, then I went closer to her "Is something wrong? You were not like that when I was in front of the class before. What is it with you and Hirotaka?"

She started playing with the pleats of her skirt, back at the wall. She was moving, and her face became expressionless.

After a momentary pause, her lips finally started moving "What element do you use?"

I was startled with what she said. "What element I use?" I asked her.

"Oh, Its nothing really." she lied. I knew that expression, that was the same expression my mother would always give me.

"I can't control any elements. I don't even have magic...."

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