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My Story!

Posted Jul 20, '10 at 12:03am

sirmed1

sirmed1

57 posts

i did not know about the documentry, but still, you are basing your story on another story... like i said.
either way, your a good author, but all im saying is don't base it to heavily on somthing else. now, almost all aspects of storywriting have been written, but if you write a story and you have another story (or stories) your story will flop and die. so far, its a good story, but what i was trying to get across is don't rip off anything else, even if you don't mean to.

 

Posted Jul 28, '10 at 9:38am

WexMajor82

WexMajor82

929 posts

We are still waiting for the last chapter!
Don't disappoint us! :(

 

Posted Jul 28, '10 at 12:59pm

mki10

mki10

78 posts

lol hey you're doing a nice job with this story other than the gangs that parts was a little cheesy.

 

Posted Aug 31, '10 at 12:25am

2014631

2014631

1,770 posts

Okay, now I'm pretty much finished. I've added 3 more chapters since I last poster on this thread. this is going to be the entire story, from beggining to end. Enjoy!
"Everybody on the floor!" one of the robbers screamed as he fired a shot into the nearest surveillance camera. The bank's guard dropped his gun on the floor and held up his hands. One of the customers let out a shrill scream and fainted. The bank manager hid under his desk and pressed the emergency button mounted under the drawer. People began to rush for the door when another robber fired an automatic rifle over their heads. "Everybody on the floor now, or die!" the other robber shouted, in a deep powerful voice. "I don't wanna kill any of youse, but believe me I will!" he snarled, giving away his New York accent. All of the customers dropped on the floor. A puddle of urine flowed across the floor from under a terrified old man, who was shaking uncontrollably. Sirens wailed in the distance as police cars approached the crime scene. "We're gonna have company, real soon!" hollered the guy with the automatic rifle to the other thieves. The criminals seemed unconcerned as the police surrounded the building. They were busy watching their hostages and scooping cash from the cash drawers behind the teller line. The police called to the robbers on a megaphone; "We have you surrounded, send out your hostages and give up Now!" The door to the bank opened, all of the police pointed their guns as an attractive young woman emerged. She was visibly terrified and crying. Directly behind her pointing a gun to her head was one of the criminals, using the woman as a shield. "Let's not get too excited here," he called out in a loud but calm voice. We don't want to kill any of these nice people here, so why don't you all just go home now." The robber jerked the woman back through the door and started to laugh hysterically. The door opened again, just a crack and a paper weight wrapped in hundred dollar bills came flying out toward the police. One of the officers ran up and grabbed it. He jumped back behind the protection of his squad car. Inside the hundred dollar bills, was a note; it said: If you even start to enter the bank, we will kill everyone, including you, police. The hostages could hear a grinding sound, coming through the floor. The thieves all looked at each other with knowing glances. Their leader began to cackle like a maniac, all of the criminals broke out in spontaneous laughter. "Please just let me go!" the young woman pleaded to the robber who still held her arm tightly. "You're coming with us girly, we need a hostage," the man said in a rough voice. "Now, come on boys were going to empty the vault." One of the bandits jerked the bank manager out from under his desk. "Come on you, we need someone that can lock us in the vault." They all stepped into the vault, except for the branch manager. "Now you close and lock that door, or we kill this pretty girl. You wouldn't want that on your conscience, would you? The leader said in a menacing voice. The door shut with a solid clang and the crooks inside all heard the vault bolts close. "Good job boys!" the young woman said in a quiet voice. "You can all take off your masks now, were among friends." The grinding sound suddenly stopped and was replaced by a series of muffled popping sounds. The floor in the middle of the vault began to fall away. "We've got about 20 minutes before they can open that vault, so grab all of the cash in here and lets get moving." The young woman ordered. It suddenly became evident who the leader of this gang really was.
Chapter 2
The Sewer
The police were all heavily armed and wearing flak jackets as the bank officials finally finished the procedures to open the vault door. It took 20 long minutes after an emergency closure to re-open the vault. George Anderson the detective in charge of investigating bank robberies ordered the bank officials safely away from the vault before they could open the door. It was very likely this would end in a gun battle. The vault door opened a few inches and George called in, "Put down your weapons, there is no way out!" It was dark in the vault and a strong sewer smell came pouring out of the opening. Suddenly it occurred to the police that the vault was empty. George shined his light into the vault and there were papers and deposit boxes open everywhere, but no robbers. They shined their lights onto the floor and in the middle of the vault was a two foot diameter hole.
"First National Bank, is being robbed across town. They have a hostage situation," an excited voice shouted from behind where all of the police were standing.
George Anderson turned and saw a street officer running in toward them. "What the..." George exclaimed, he was speechless.
That evening the police chief of Los Angeles was holding a press conference. "We have been caught off guard today. Three banks were cleaned out by a well-armed and organized gang of criminals. They were a step ahead of our police department all of the time. They fled into the sewers after each robbery. We need the help of the good people of Los Angeles to catch these thieves. If any of you have any information, please call our offices and tell us anything suspicious, you have observed. The press called them, "The Gopher Gang."
Sarah Barron watched the news intently. The chief of police made his plea to the public for help, then the news showed the security tapes over and over on every channel. She turned to her gang and pulled off her long brunette wig and took out her colored contact lenses. "I really looked helpless out there today, didn't I?" She stood in front of her gang with hands on her hips. Her blazing red hair and intense green eyes, showed not a hint of helpless demeanor now. "We all lay low until next month when we meet for our next job, boys. Stick to the plan and we will have a great run and plenty of money to live out our lives like kings, or in my case, a queen."
The room rocked with loud laughter as everyone celebrated their success. "I'm going back to New York for a month," Billy shouted over the ruckus. "It's not safe in this part of town, too much crime!" The gang roared with laughter. But Billy wasn't kidding.
The hideout was in East L.A. in an industrial warehouse complex. The gang had van trucks with all of their construction equipment and ATV's parked inside the warehouse. Outside, the walls were covered with graffiti and the doors and windows were padlocked and barred to keep intruders out. This area was so dangerous, that the police were afraid to venture in after dark. Gang violence was rampant and drive-by shootings were a daily occurrence. This part of L.A. was like a war zone.

Chapter 3
Gang War
Lil D reached over and turned down the volume on the CD player. "Yo bro, did I tell you about the guys I saw loading a bunch of nice ATV's into some trucks yesterday?"
"Say what Dawg?" J.Z. responded.
"Let's rip em off bro., I know where they keep all their stuff," said L'il D excitedly.
"Let's go get our homies, and take em down," said J.Z. as he turned the volume back up.
J.Z. and Lil D were members of X-11, one of the most violent gangs in America. They were preparing to rob the robbers. Little did they know, that the people they were going after were heavily armed, well trained, ruthless criminals. This was not going to be a simple rip off, it would be a war. "Boom, Boom, Thumpa, Boom, Boom!" The loud reverberation of hip hop music carried through the floor and walls of the warehouse. Billy looked out the warehouse window and saw cars unloading with heavily armed gang members.
"Hey Boss, we got trouble outside!" Billy shouted to Sarah and the rest of the gang. They all grabbed weapons and took up defensive positions. "Crash!!" The roll up door dented in, as a car smashed into it.  "Smash!!" A few seconds later the door fell to the warehouse floor and X-11 members ran into the warehouse.
"The stuff is in these trucks!" L'il D yelled pointing to the van-trucks parked inside the warehouse. J.Z. started cutting the locks off the roll up doors, with large bolt cutters.
Sarah held her finger to her lips, "Shhh, not yet,"She whispered. "Let them take our equipment. The police will think that they did the bank robberies."
Billy couldn't see Sarah and jumped out. He shouted, "Hey, get out of here!" and fired a volley from his machine gun. Two gang members fell to the ground dead. The warehouse erupted with gunfire from everywhere.  Sarah jumped into one of the trucks and backed up to Billy. He jumped into the back, still firing his gun out the door. Sarah gunned the engine and smashed through the low riders that blocked their exit. One of the cars exploded in flames. Two gang members ran away engulfed in flames and fell screaming in agony. X-11 was outgunned for the first time in their short history; it was a one sided massacre.
"What's that? Explosions? Gun fire?" the police dispatcher asked over the phone. The desk sergeant's ears perked up, as he listened intently. He turned away from the dispatcher and shouted to the officers on duty. "We got a case of dawgs killing dawgs." They all thought it was a gang war between rival gangs, not a total massacre.
None of the officers wanted to get in the middle of a gang war, so they called out a police helicopter and the S.W.A.T. team.                         
Sarah's gang grabbed their dead and wounded. They cleared out in a hurry, just before the police converged on the battle scene. The first officers on the scene could not believe the carnage. Soon they discovered the ATV's with sewer debris on their tires. By morning it was all over the news. The  X-11 gang was now responsible for the bank robberies.  Gang task force officials were confident that they would soon recover the money taken in the robberies.
George Anderson was one of the first investigators on the crime scene. Bodies were still being bagged when he arrived. "There is no way X-11 could have pulled off those robberies" he thought to himself.  "They are not nearly that organized."
George picked up some of the bullet casings from across the warehouse and noticed some blood puddles, not accompanied by bodies. The cartridges were from a 30 caliber automatic rifle, the same kind used in the bank robberies. "We need to bring in a CSI team," George called in to his office.

Chapter 4
The Getaway

"Call the boys and tell them to meet us at the beach house. Let them know we have the money,"  Sarah told Billy.
They were both dog tired as they drove down the freeway. Their alternate location was located in Imperial Beach near the Mexican border. It would be an easy run to Mexico, just in case.
"I'll put it on speaker phone," Billy said in a weary voice. "That way we can both be in on the conversation."
"Eddie and all of the drilling crew were killed back there, we're going to go out and bury them in the desert," Darrin's voice came over the phone speaker. "They had never been in any combat, and huddled against the warehouse walls, not knowing that bullets carry along walls. I watched them go down one at a time like dominoes."
"What about their families?" Sarah questioned.
"They knew the drill when they joined this operation," Darrin replied, "No pun intended! If any of the equipment is traced back, it will go to them, so we will be off the hook. We made sure there were no witnesses, before we left. We finished off any of those gang-bangers that were still wiggling. We'll join you in I.B. as soon as we take care of this business. I feel as bad as you do, but there isn't anything we can do about it."
Sarah could feel tears welling up in her eyes. She didn't think anybody would get hurt, and especially not the way it all came down. Billy was chuckling to himself. "What do you find funny about any of this?" Sarah's voice was strained and angry.
"Whoa! Just chill out, Sarah. I was just thinking there are fewer people to split the money with. I'm just trying to look on the bright side, if there is one, gosh!"  Billy replied defensively.
"That's cold Billy."  Sarah had regained her composure now. Billy was right; there would be more money to go around. That thought cheered her up.
"Without the drilling team and their equipment, we're out of business. I'm going to take my share and head over the border as soon as possible," Sarah stated. Billy just nodded and said nothing.  They just kept rolling along. Soon they would be safe and be able to get some much needed rest.

Chapter 5
The Investigation
George Anderson was waiting for the CSI team, when he heard a thumping sound coming from one of the trucks that had not been opened yet. "Hey guys, get over here!" George yelled across the warehouse and frantically motioned them toward him. The other officers also heard the noises and drew their weapons. George could hear a muffled scream from within the truck.
"Don't shoot! We're unarmed." George rolled up the door, and there was a very frightened, L'il D and J.Z. standing with their hands high in the air and bolt cutters lying at their feet. "Great! Witnesses," thought George.
Both of the frightened gangsters were covered with laser dots as the SWAT team drew beads on them. "Hey, Sherlock! I said we're unarmed," J.Z. squealed in a frightened voice. They were quickly handcuffed and hustled into a squad car.
The CSI team finally arrived; George Anderson shook hands with Troy, their team leader and gave them a quick tour of what he wanted them to check out first. "I'm going back to the precinct now and question those two gang bangers. They are the only survivors, and I need to know what they saw." George shook hands with Troy again and headed for his car.
"I ain't telling you nothin' Sherlock!" L'il D shouted in a defiant voice.
"That's OK punk; you can go down for murder and bank robbery. You'll never see daylight again, if you want to play that way," George Anderson replied.
"It was just supposed to be a simple rip off," Lil D cried, his lower lip quivering and his eyes filling with tears. "I didn't kill nobody, and I sure dint rob no bank, man. You gotta believe me."
"Look, I believe you. I just want you to tell me everything you saw. You might get out of this, with just a little jail time, if you play ball with me," George replied.
L'il D told everything he knew and saw. J.Z. was next, and his story backed up Lil D's exactly. George knew without a doubt that X-11 was not the Gopher Gang, but that didn't put him any closer to catching them.
George's cell phone rang; it was Troy. "We tracked down some of the construction equipment; it came from a rental yard auction sale. It was all paid for with cash. no traceable names. All of the trucks and ATV's were stolen and repainted. We did get some DNA evidence and fingerprints to follow up on. I'll call you as soon as I know more."
George was exhausted and feeling helpless. "Man, these guys were real pros," he thought. He hadn't eaten or slept in over 24 hours, he wasn't going to be good for anything if he didn't get some sleep soon.
"Honey, you look terrible," Louise Anderson said to her husband as she handed him a plate of hot food. "Thanks for the encouragement dear," George replied. "It's been a rough day at the office. I'm going to get some sleep and get back to it."
Louise gave George a kiss as she covered him with a blanket. He was snoring the second his head hit the pillow. Louise sat for a while, watching George snoozing away. She remembered back to when he had been a street cop; he had worked his way up through the ranks to his present position.  George had been as dedicated to his job as he was to his family. The kids had grown up and moved out, but still called Dad for advice and just to visit. She felt fortunate for all of their happy years together. Louise looked down at her watch, it was time to get going, she had errands to run.
The cell phone ring tones were reverberating in his ear, it seemed like he had only been asleep for a second. George looked at his clock; he had been sleeping for eight hours.
He grabbed his phone; there were five missed calls, all from Troy. He quickly called Troy back.
"Hey George, glad you were able to get back to me. We have a positive I.D. on the hostage taken in the first bank robbery. Her name is Sarah Barron. We've been unable to track down a residence or phone number for her. We will keep on it and I'll get back to you as soon as I know more. We also identified the owners of those blood puddles. Eddie Ruiz, Hector Gonzalez and William Dennis, who are all probably deceased, based on the volume of blood. Their families have not seen any of them for several weeks." Troy's voice trailed off. "Man, I'm beat George, I gotta go home and get some shut eye."
"Thanks Troy. That is some real breakthrough information. I'm going to head over to the bank and get a list of all their recent employees and then to public works and find out who worked in the sewers. You get some rest. I'll check in with you later," George returned.
Henry Wilson, the manager at Interstate Commerce Bank opened the employee files and handed them across the desk to Detective George Anderson. "Could you check and see if a Sarah Barron had an account at this bank?" George asked. Henry looked back at him with a knowing look in his eyes.
"I thought there was something familiar about that girl that those robbers took hostage. Sarah used to work with corporate headquarters in property management. She quit recently and went to work for the city. I think it was for the sewer treatment plant."
"I never said she was the hostage," George returned.
"When you said her name, it switched a light on for me. I knew there was something very familiar about that girl. It all clicked when you mentioned Sarah Barron. Do you think she could have been involved in this?"
George reached out and shook hands with Henry. "Thanks for your help, but I can't really comment on that last question. Could you fax that list over to my office? I would sure appreciate it." George handed Henry his card and rose to leave.
"You know detective, I always thought it was strange for Sarah to leave a high paying position with the bank to work for the city. It definitely was a cut in pay. We all speculated that the pressure was too much for her. Please keep us posted." Henry looked down at the file on his desk. "Oh, and I'll make sure this gets faxed right over."
Billy handed the pizza delivery guy an extra five and took the pizzas into the house. What was left of the Gopher Gang was in Imperial Beach, ready to make plans for whatever they should do next. Sarah turned on the TV.
"Let's watch the news and then decide what we all want to do," she said to the assembled group. The top story came on and there was a picture of Sarah.
"Police have identified the hostage at Interstate Commerce Bank as a former employee, Sarah Barron. They have been unable to find any further information as to her whereabouts, and she is considered a kidnapping victim." Then Eddie, Hector and William's pictures came on the screen. "In a gang related shoot out, DNA evidence and equipment recovered from the crime scene, implicate these three suspects in the bank robberies." The news segment closed with bank security recordings showing the crime in progress.
"Aw, great! Everybody's going to be looking for me; I'll never get across the border!" Sarah shouted angrily. "Billy, do you know anybody that can get me a new I.D.?"
"I'll get right on it," Billy replied. "Maybe we should split up the loot and all go our separate ways. This is getting out of control, but don't worry Sarah, I'll stick with you."
Before Sarah could get in a word edgewise, the rest of the gang heartily agreed with Billy. They wanted to take the money and run.
"Alright, I guess this is the end of the line," Sarah reluctantly agreed. They opened the trunk of cash and began counting it.

Chapter 6
The Escape
    The whole gopher gang was in a mood to celebrate, they were all rich. "Drinks are on me!" Billy shouted. "There's a whole keg in the fridge. Everybody drink up."
Billy poured a whole glass of beer down his throat in one gulp, then let out a huge burp and laughed. The rest of the guys started a beer drinking contest, and were soon staggering around the living room. Sarah excused herself from the festivities and walked into the bedroom. Billy walked in behind her.
"Looks like they are all going to pass out soon," Sarah announced. "Let's get ready to make that phone call," Billy chuckled under his breath, "We should wait a little longer, I want them to all be sound asleep before we make our move," Sarah replied.
The phone rang on George Anderson's desk, "The dispatcher announced that there was a call for him, from Sarah Barron."
"Hello, this is detective George Anderson, What can I do for you Sarah?"
"I'm being held hostage in Imperial Beach, by those bank robbers that kidnapped me. They're in the last house on the street before you get to Mexico. The house is yellow adobe with a red tile roof. It's on the beach side, right across from the slough. Hurry, I think they plan on killing me,"
George heard a harsh male voice over the line, "Hey! What are you doing?" the voice was followed by some crashing sounds, then a dial tone.
"We've got to move out now!" George shouted across the precinct. "This is our chance to get those bank robbers, and save Sarah, before it's too late."
Fernando put two large suitcases in the trunk of his cab, as Billy and Sarah got in his taxi. "Como Esta Usted." Fernando said in a courteous voice. "Where can I take you two?"
"Muey Bien, Gracias. We're on our honeymoon. We're going to Pitquito in the desert for a quiet week together." Billy replied.
Fernando gave them a questioning look. "Pitquito? That's  over a hundred miles and there is nothing there, but I'll take you there, as long as you have the dinero, senor."
Billy answered, "Money is no problemo!"

Chapter 7
Catching the Bad Guys!
George sneaked around the yellow house and peeked in the window. There sprawled on the furniture and the floor, were the Gopher gang, fast asleep. There was cash, pizza and empty beer glasses everywhere. George motioned the other officers to surround the house. He held his finger to his lips to keep everybody silent.
Darrin heard a strange sound and started to reach for his pistol. He looked up and a cop was holding a gun to his forehead. "Don't move or I'll shoot!" shouted the officer above him. "Where's Sarah?" the officer demanded.
"She's in the bedroom." Darrin pointed. George ran for the bedroom door and threw it open. Nobody was in the room. The closet doors were open, exposing the entrance to a tunnel. As he peered into the dark tunnel, there were two muffled explosions and a cloud of dust puffed directly into George's face. "What the..."George exclaimed, once again he was speechless.
Billy and Sarah pulled into the garage of their beach house, driving the SUV they had stashed in Pitquito. "Oh by the way Sarah," Billy stated, "I took about half of the gangs' cash when they all passed out."
Sarah laughed, "That's great Billy. I just wish we could have seen their faces, when the cops showed up."
"Well we were pretty busy getting through the tunnel, setting the explosives and timers, and finding a cab driver when we got to Tijuana," Billy returned. "Do you want to live out our lives like royalty in Mexico, or do you want to proceed with our next planned job?" Billy asked.
"I like the excitement of working," Sarah returned in a serious voice. "It would be too boring just watching the water every day. We would be at each others throats before very long. I like what P.T. Barnum said. A sucker is born every minute. We should have no problem recruiting a new gang of suckers," she laughed.
Seacoast Drive on Oneonta Slough was covered with police cars and news station vans. Every news reporter was trying to interview George Anderson. He was a police celebrity at the moment. The news stations were all talking about the detective that had cracked the case, and caught the Gopher Gang without firing a shot.
George was trying to avoid the limelight. He knew that Sarah had betrayed her own gang, and he had been a step behind all of the way. There was still a lot of work to be done, and George was angry and tired of fumbling around in the dark.
To be continued...

 

Posted Aug 31, '10 at 2:36am

Shenko

Shenko

857 posts

good story dude my fave on ag

 

Posted Aug 31, '10 at 12:35pm

ryguy997

ryguy997

126 posts

now THAT was good. but one thing- you didnt indent at the start of paragraphs.

 

Posted Aug 31, '10 at 11:22pm

2014631

2014631

1,770 posts

well it was on word, and when i had to fix all those typo thingies, well not typos, but that squiggly a thing, I pressed backspace, and it would get rid of a lot of space. Anyways, thanks you guys!

 

Posted Sep 1, '10 at 1:24pm

IMPREZ

IMPREZ

9 posts

sounds nice

 
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