ForumsArt, Music, and WritingMy Story!

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2014631
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2014631
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Nomad

This is a piece from a story that I wrote a long time ago, but I still don't have a name for it yet. I hope you enjoy! Constructive critisism is always appreciated. I'll post this story chapter by chapter, probably every few days or so.

"Everybody on the floor!â one of the robbers screamed as he fired a shot into the nearest surveillance camera. The bankâs guard dropped his gun on the floor and held up his hands. One of the customers let out a shrill scream and fainted. The bank manager hid under his desk and pressed the emergency button mounted under the drawer. People began to rush for the door when another robber fired an automatic rifle over their heads.
âEverybody on the floor now, or die!â the other robber shouted, in a deep powerful voice. âI donât wanna kill any of youse, but believe me I will!â he snarled, giving away his New York accent. All of the customers dropped on the floor. A puddle of urine flowed across the floor from under a terrified old man, who was shaking uncontrollably. Sirens wailed in the distance as police cars approached the crime scene.
âWeâre gonna have company, real soon!â hollered the guy with the automatic rifle to the other thieves.
The criminals seemed unconcerned as the police surrounded the building. They were busy watching their hostages and scooping cash from the cash drawers behind the teller line. The police called to the robbers on a megaphone; âWe have you surrounded, send out your hostages and give up Now!â
The door to the bank opened, all of the police pointed their guns as an attractive young woman emerged. She was visibly terrified and crying. Directly behind her pointing a gun to her head was one of the criminals, using the woman as a shield. âLetâs not get too excited here,â he called out in a loud but calm voice. âWe donât want to kill any of these nice people here, so why donât you all just go home now.â The robber jerked the woman back through the door and started to laugh hysterically. The door opened again, just a crack and a paper weight wrapped in hundred dollar bills came flying out toward the police. One of the officers ran up and grabbed it. He jumped back behind the protection of his squad car.
Inside the hundred dollar bills, was a note; it said: If you even start to enter the bank, we will kill everyone, including you, police.
The hostages could hear a grinding sound, coming through the floor. The thieves all looked at each other with knowing glances. Their leader began to cackle like a maniac, all of the criminals broke out in spontaneous laughter. âPlease just let me go!â the young woman pleaded to the robber who still held her arm tightly.â
âYouâre coming with us girly, we need a hostage,â the man said in a rough voice. âNow, come on boys were going to empty the vault.â One of the bandits jerked the bank manager out from under his desk. âCome on you, we need someone that can lock us in the vault.â
They all stepped into the vault, except for the branch manager. âNow you close and lock that door, or we kill this pretty girl. You wouldnât want that on your conscience, would you? The leader said in a menacing voice. The door shut with a solid clang and the crooks inside all heard the vault bolts close.
âGood job boys!â the young woman said in a quiet voice. âYou can all take off your masks now, were among friends.â The grinding sound suddenly stopped and was replaced by a series of muffled popping sounds. The floor in the middle of the vault began to fall away. âWeâve got about 20 minutes before they can open that vault, so grab all of the cash in here and lets get moving.â The young woman ordered. It suddenly became evident who the leader of this gang really was.

  • 37 Replies
vinster132
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vinster132
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Jester

How long are the Chapters?

I'm working on a story that it's about the DSN, Holden.

And it's on Chapter 4, and not close to the end. Well, every story is different.

2014631
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Nomad

It only has 4 chapters. It's not like a published story. It's a short story based on a real bank robbery.

2014631
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2014631
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Nomad

And it's on Chapter 4, and not close to the end.

I don't understand what you mean. If you mean that I've posted four chapters, then you're wrong. I've only posted two so far. If you mean that the story isn't finished, you're wrong. I finished it a looong time ago. If you mean that I need to add more, than you're wrong. It's 22 pages on a word document. It's not like a real book. It's a short story. Like i said in my other post.
mdv96
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mdv96
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Nomad

this is amazing!!! i love the plot twists. by any chance have you read any Anthony Horowitz or Tom Clancy books because to me, it looks like you are using their craft in your writing and it is really good

vinster132
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vinster132
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Jester

don't understand what you mean. If you mean that I've posted four chapters, then you're wrong. I've only posted two so far. If you mean that the story isn't finished, you're wrong. I finished it a looong time ago. If you mean that I need to add more, than you're wrong. It's 22 pages on a word document. It's not like a real book. It's a short story. Like i said in my other post.

Nuuu, I was talking about my story that that's what I'm talking about.

And refrain from double posting.
2014631
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2014631
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Nomad

this is amazing!!! i love the plot twists. by any chance have you read any Anthony Horowitz or Tom Clancy books because to me, it looks like you are using their craft in your writing and it is really good


Bwahahahahaha! Yes! I'll post the third chapter now :P

And refrain from double posting.

Refrain from getting on my nerves xP

Alright, here's the third chapter:

Chapter 3
Gang War
Lil D reached over and turned down the volume on the CD player. "Yo bro, did I tell you about the guys I saw loading a bunch of nice ATV's into some trucks yesterday?"
"Say what Dawg?" J.Z. responded.
"Let's rip em off bro, I know where they keep all their stuff," said L'il D excitedly.
"Letâs go get our homies, and take em down," said J.Z. as he turned the volume back up.
J.Z. and Lil D were members of X-13, one of the most violent gangs in America. They were preparing to rob the robbers. Little did they know, that the people they were going after were heavily armed, well trained, ruthless criminals. This was not going to be a simple rip off, it would be a war.
"Boom, Boom, Thumpa, Boom, Boom!" The loud reverberation of hip hop music carried through the floor and walls of the warehouse. Billy looked out the warehouse window and saw cars unloading with heavily armed gang members.
"Hey Boss, we got trouble outside!" Billy shouted to Sarah and the rest of the gang. They all grabbed weapons and took up defensive positions. "Crash!!" The roll up door dented in, as a car smashed into it. "Smash!!" A few seconds later the door fell to the warehouse floor and X-13 members ran into the warehouse.
"The stuff is in these trucks!" L'il D yelled pointing to the van-trucks parked inside the warehouse. J.Z. started cutting the locks off the roll up doors, with large bolt cutters.
Sarah held her finger to her lips, "Shhh, not yet," She whispered. "Let them take our equipment. The police will think that they did the bank robberies."
Billy couldnât see Sarah and jumped out. He shouted, "Hey, get out of here!" and fired a volley from his machine gun. Two gang members fell to the ground dead. The warehouse erupted with gunfire from everywhere. Sarah jumped into one of the trucks and backed up to Billy. He jumped into the back, still firing his gun out the door. Sarah gunned the engine and smashed through the low riders that blocked their exit. One of the cars exploded in flames. Two gang members ran away engulfed in flames and fell screaming in agony. X-13 was outgunned for the first time in their short history; it was a one sided massacre.
"What's that? Explosions? Gun fire?" the police dispatcher asked over the phone. The desk sergeant's ears perked up, as he listened intently. He turned away from the dispatcher and shouted to the officers on duty. "We got a case of dawgs killing dawgs." They all thought it was a gang war between rival gangs, not a total massacre.
None of the officers wanted to get in the middle of a gang war, so they called out a police helicopter and the S.W.A.T. team.
Sarah's gang grabbed their dead and wounded. They cleared out in a hurry, just before the police converged on the battle scene. The first officers on the scene could not believe the carnage. Soon they discovered the ATV's with sewer debris on their tires. By morning it was all over the news. The X-13 gang was now responsible for the bank robberies. Gang task force officials were confident that they would soon recover the money taken in the robberies.
George Anderson was one of the first investigators on the crime scene. Bodies were still being bagged when he arrived. "There is no way X-13 could have pulled off those robberies," he thought to himself. "They are not nearly that organized."
George picked up some of the bullet casings from across the warehouse and noticed some blood puddles, not accompanied by bodies. The cartridges were from a 30 caliber automatic rifle, the same kind used in the bank robberies. "We need to bring in a CSI team," George called in to his office.


Enjoy!
2014631
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2014631
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Nomad

Whoa no comments!? I posted a chapter! > argh, I put a lot of work into this. Oh well. I'll post the next chapter later today, if the thread gets popular again.

vinster132
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vinster132
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Jester

It's called patience. Somebody will eventually comment on your recent part...

So far it's been pretty good.

Refrain from getting on my nerves xP

I mean it. -_-
2014631
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2014631
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Nomad

It's called patience. Somebody will eventually comment on your recent part...

I know that. But it was halfway down the second page, it was dyin'!

I mean it. -_-

lol. That's all I can say about that. Lol.
Kyouzou
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Kyouzou
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Jester

haha I like it, interesting to say the least.

sirmed1
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sirmed1
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Farmer

your prettt good at writing, but your making the same mistakes that i did. you seem to be basing your story on some movie or book, or maybe several combined. i've read about a sarah with red hair and green eyes, which tipped me off. you seem to be really good at meshing the stories, because i can't really tell the diffirence between the two, but if you ever want to write a really good story that you can show others proudly, try making your own plot up. it's harder, but the end product is way better.

2014631
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2014631
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Nomad

Uh, this story is only based on one event... and it's not a movie. It was about a documentary. And in the documentary, all the robbers were men.

Kyouzou
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Kyouzou
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Jester

sarah with red hair and green


So have I, granted it was fanfiction but still. Red hair and green eyes is not an rare combination, and the name sarah is just a coincidence.
2014631
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2014631
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Nomad

What, you think Jenny is better? I don't care what the name is! :P

sirmed1
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sirmed1
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Farmer

i did not know about the documentry, but still, you are basing your story on another story... like i said.
either way, your a good author, but all im saying is don't base it to heavily on somthing else. now, almost all aspects of storywriting have been written, but if you write a story and you have another story (or stories) your story will flop and die. so far, its a good story, but what i was trying to get across is don't rip off anything else, even if you don't mean to.

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