ForumsArt, Music, and WritingGrandma Barb: Dead or Alive (My Book)

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The904
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The904
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I just entered this in the Make a Movie contest and I thought i did a pretty good job. This is the first chapter of my book. Please feel free to give me constructive critisism. Thanks.

Chapter One: The Finding


Jason, Anna, and their father were getting ready to go on their traditional monthly trip to the cemetery to visit Grandma Barb. They live in Brooklyn and the cemetery is in Times Square. So it isn't very far away.

"I'll be ready in about twenty minutes!" said Anna. "She always takes forever, doesn't she dad." said Jason. " Why yes she does, but its a girl thing." said dad.

As they were pulling into the parking lot, Dad was already getting choked up, not a big fan of coming to visit his mom. It gets him every time. But because Anna took so long getting ready, it was already getting dark outside. "I have to pee, ill be right back." said Jason. "Okay son, don't be long." dad said. When Jason turned the corner to enter the bathroom, he heard a noise, "Jaaasssooonnn" coming from the palmetto bush on the edge of the sidewalk. "Hello? Anyone there?" he said. But no reply. He went to the bathroom, but when he came out, he heard it again.. "Jaaasssoooonnn". He had had enough. Jason decided to check it out. But when he looked around the bush.. There she was. There was Grandma Barb. "Grandma? This cant be possible....

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The904
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The904
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Chapter 2 will only come if people want it.

OperationNilo
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Chapter 2 will only come if people want it.

You can't expect someone to post in six minutes.

This looks interesting, a chapter 2 would be nice. Chapter 2 can be longer?
The904
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The904
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You can't expect someone to post in six minutes.


I was meaning to put that in the first post. Sorry.

And yes, It will be longer. I will work on it.
OperationNilo
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OperationNilo
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I was meaning to put that in the first post. Sorry.


The accidental post thing is becoming way to high.

And yes, It will be longer. I will work on it.


Thanks.
The904
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The904
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The accidental post thing is becoming way to high.


It honestly was. Calm down.
CenationAA
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CenationAA
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I think you should make a 2nd chapter the first was very interesting

The904
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The904
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I think you should make a 2nd chapter the first was very interesting


Thank you. I am working on it now.
Drink
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Drink
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make as many chapters as you want even ethier people dont want it or maybe they do want it shouldnt stop you if you want to..

Google567
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Google567
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Thats a pretty good story, nice climax so far.

Aaliyah928
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Aaliyah928
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Nice! I quite like it, bring on the next chapter!

thisisnotanalt
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thisisnotanalt
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Only problem is that chapter 1 is verrrrrrrrrrryy short. Like, maybe half-a-book-page short. There's really not much to criticise because there's not much there. It's really cut-and-dry - it's difficult to criticise prose when there's just dialogue with no exposition or much of anything else. I'd suggest you beef it up substantially before moving on.

thisisnotanalt
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thisisnotanalt
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Actually, I checked the word count, and it's about 4/5ths of a page. Like I said though, for it to really be criticisable, you'll need to put some meat on these bones.

The904
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The904
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Wow i've been gone a while. I really want to continue this book. Any takers? I should have chapter 2 done tonight.

The904
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The904
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Chapter One: The Finding


Jason, Anna, and their father James Taylor were getting ready to go on their traditional monthly trip to the cemetery to visit Grandma Barb. They live in Brooklyn and the cemetery is in Times Square. So it isn't very far away. But they always have to go through the rough part of town because there has been construction going on on the Brooklyn Bridge. Anna is always a little creeped out by that.

"I'll be ready in about twenty minutes!" said Anna. "She always takes forever, doesn't she dad." said Jason. " Why yes she does, but its a girl thing." said dad. " You're mother was always one to take hours on her hair and makeup, but if you can remember, she was the most beautiful woman in the world." Their mother passed away from a rare blood disease 1 year ago. She had gotten it from Bolivia where she was doing a paper on the polution in the water supply there. Her and a few other reporters were diagnosed with the disease about 4 months after they returned to the United States. Nothing was the same with the Taylors after this happened. James's mother passed away as well from cancer 3 years ago. It has been tough on them.'

As they were pulling into the parking lot, Dad was already getting choked up, not a big fan of coming to visit his mom. It gets him every time. But because Anna took so long getting ready, it was already getting dark outside. "I have to pee, ill be right back." said Jason. "Okay son, don't be long." dad said. When Jason turned the corner to enter the bathroom, he heard a noise, "Jaaasssooonnn" coming from the palmetto bush on the edge of the sidewalk. "Hello? Anyone there?" he said. But no reply. He went to the bathroom, but when he came out, he heard it again.. "Jaaasssoooonnn". He had had enough. Jason decided to check it out. But when he looked around the bush.. There she was. There was Grandma Barb. "Grandma? This cant be possible....



This is chapter one a little more beefed up. Made a little more detail to the second paragraph. Hope you enjoy.

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