Forums → Art, Music, and Writing → The Words and Workings of Wolf
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Here is a thread dedicated to my work as a writer. This thread will mostly be filled with my poems which vary in theme but I try to fashion myself after my favourite poet T.S Eliot, who I believed captured human nature in his words. I aspire to do the same. Please feel free wo citique and review my work. However, simply saying "I like it" is not good enough, as a writer I must grow and develop so I beg you readers to give me a reason as to why or why not you liked the poem. To start off I shall provide you with one of my personal favourties.
These Are The Boring Bits
Call life what you will,
A joke,
A curse,
A gift,
An adventure.
Take from it what you will,
Joy,
Sorrow,
Love,
Hate.
Lose yourself in it
Find your purpose
Or,
Find nothing at all.
A man asked, "What is the meaning of life?"
A woman told him, "Whatever you make it to be."
A child asked, "Is god real?"
A parent told them, "Only you can decide."
Personal opinion is what we use to guide us,
The opinions of others are what lose us.
We can never be certain
That we are certain of anything
Because of change,
And because things stay the same.
What makes sense one day,
Will confuse us another,
And so it goes on.
People tell others to:
Get in line,
Grow up,
Get our lives straight,
Who told these people these things?
And why tell us the things that broke them?
Is it human nature to be unhappy?
Two men sit on a bench,
In a park,
Under a tree.
They talk about family and friends
They talk about work and dreams.
One man says, "It is a waste of time to dream,"
The other says, "Yes, but to have dreams is not."
Dreams are what the world is made of
Bad dreams,
Good dreams,
Lost dreams.
Hope is never far off,
As the old die,
The young are born,
The young grow,
They become old,
The old die.
But while they are young,
They change the world.
Some for the better,
Others for the worse.
Inspiration is a dream.
The only inspiration in life is life:
What to do?
How to do it?
Can we change the world?
How to change the world?
Is there purpose?
Are we real?
Or a figment of imagination?
All questions do not need answers.
Call life what you will,
These are the boring bits.
- 634 Replies
^ this was to the first one. I think I would have to read your little beings of a book to figure out the flow. The flow would depend on the character, would it not? More info on the char., and I'd be happy to help ya.
Altiarian Grantine
Age: late 20's to early 30's
Profession: Philosopher, poet, historian and exile
Physical traits: Tall thin and bookish. Grey eyes that have a piercing gaze yet rarely settle on one particular thing. Left eye slightly crooked.
Background/Personality: Altiarian Grantine is the youngest child of the Kaelitine Imperial Family. As a child, like his brother, he was taught in the matter statecraft and the wiles of court life. As his brother was being groomed for the throne Altiarian began to read the history, or what reamins, of Kaelitine and the other minor Kingdoms of Eurwa. He was astonished to find several gaps within several historians work. At this time he turned to the work of Annaxus, the great Philosopher Historian durring The War.
Upon coming of age Altiarian ceaselessly supported his brother's imperial ambition, though, as his brother grew more and more distant, Altiarian began to feel betrayed for his brother would often dismiss his findings or idea as useless, or inconcequential. It is this (along with several readings of Annaxus's work) that drove Altiarian into a state of cynical observation of the world. He began writing poetry to comment on the politics of Kaelitine and the futility of life. He even went so far as to insult Kallami (the god of battle) whom the Kaelitine people revere the most.
Eventually his brother had him exiled to the Haj'Alkarn (The Great Waste) desert on the southern edge of Roit. There alone in his fortress, save a few guards and a manservant Altiarian continues to produce his work and his observations on the mortal world. Unfortunatly the lack of visitors and constant isolation have driven him almost to the brink of madness. Ironically his work has become greater as he drifts closer to insanity.
Anyone with feed back for my edited version of All That lies bre?
Uh, no not really. You know I like rhymes more than I do others, so this I am no expert on. Sorry darlin'.
Finally! First, the technical stuff.
____
Lying the homesteads
Lying doesn't really work. Is it "leaving"?
dread chill.
Is this "dreaded"? Or should it still be present tense...?
Dust only to be swept cleanly away by your
Should this be in a new line? or is it supposed to be in the same line as it is now?
abide
abide by. Although it is technically correct alone, just informal. It looks like you liked the word alone, though.
Kings and Emperors flock to the call. Moths to a flame!
Perhaps, "Kings and Emperors flock to the call, like moths to a flame."
If it's two separate sentences, I would take out the exclamation mark.
That these words be read. And read true.
It's grammatically incorrect to start a sentence with "and". It is a bit artistic though, so it doesn't matter much.
A most bitter truth. That all
Instead of the period, a colon?
have left to my heart.
That these
A colon here, as well?
______
Anyway, after my thorough reading:
Futility,
Marionette,
Destiny.
I like how the thought of futility changed. In the first part, it was inescapable pain, then it's controlling destiny. I think that the content of the poem itself was very good. So I don't have very much feedback on that aspect of the poem. At least, no criticism. I had to read it quite thoroughly to get what itâs about, however that may be my own stupidity. I did find that it stuck mostly to the same topic. Which is good.
Itâs an ideal poem to put before the start of a book.
Anyone with feed back for my edited version of All That lies bare?
I do
And this I shall cannot abide.
That doesn't really work at all. Perhaps, And this I shall not abide?
Lying the homesteads bare and burnt by your dread chill. Dust only to be swept cleanly away by your unsubtle hand. In turn it leaves a frightening subtlety in it's wake.
Was it meant o be set out in such a long line, or did it just come out in the post?
PS I see some connection with this poem and the character profile you have up there. Will this poem be a part of the book?
PPs I'll have more helpfulbness later but I have other things to attend to.
PPPS I like the character sheet but having the god of war called Kallami, well, it's not sounding so warlike and more like sallami? I find that names with less syllables sound stronger; more powerfull :/
Anyone with feed back for my edited version of All That lies bre?
All that lies bre? Sounds like a poem about cheese.
As for all that lies bare, I enjoyed it like all your other work but compliments are often wasted on you so on to how I feel about it.
While I read my mind jumped more to frailty than futility, we are often the reason that masters have control of us; we are the ones that give the gods the right to play games with us. As you point out we as men often like the comprehension that something is wrong with the conditions we live in, that we could have a better life if we wanted to.
Another thing I noticed while reading this is that only half a story is told, the poem could easily be written about the individual strength of men. Obviously the poem only has half a story to tell so I don't fault the writing but I would be interested to see if you would be able to glorify the opposite (or in some ways the same) of what you so recently bashed.
I introduce the poem under the title All That Lies Bare for this will be part of the opening scene.
Will this poem be a part of the book?
So there you are, Efan. Yes.
Thanks you for the feed back. This version is slightly out dated so I will have a new version up in a day or two.
Lying the homesteads
Supposed to be laying.
dread chill.
Is this "dreaded"? Or should it still be present tense...?
Yes you are right.
abide by. Although it is technically correct alone, just informal. It looks like you liked the word alone,
though.
A madman wrote this, informality is fine.
Perhaps, "Kings and Emperors flock to the call, like moths to a flame."
It's there for dramatic purpose.
Instead of the period, a colon?
The sentence would make more sense if the commas were in it.
A colon here, as well?
semicolon would work. Maybe a comma. Period is fine depending on how the lines are read.
That doesn't really work at all. Perhaps, And this I shall not abide?
I fixed this in my latest version >.>
There were two choices...I'm confused.
I was refering to dreaded. Might change the word though
Heya wolfie. I'm wondering if I can advertise your thread on mah page? I want to ask before I post. sooooo. RESPOND.
The Shadows of Men
Somewhere between the falling sun and the rising stars
Sits a lonely god, indifferent to the world,
Because the world is indifferent to it.
And ever so strangely, this lonely god years for something more.
Something beyond the walls of the realm in which it resides.
A world that has been built upon the failures of others.
Such inevitability is a cause for torrential weeping.
Alasâ¦there is none to be found in such a stagnant place.
The place between life and death.
The place between light and dark.
Reside the shadows of a lonely god.
Because the world is indifferent to it.
The world is indifferent to him, maybe? because if it is a god it is male.. you know.
god years for
Yearns*
Alas�there is
Alas*
And if it is titled the Shadows of men, I'm wondering why it ends with shadows of a lonely god.
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