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my new story 4.o

Posted Oct 23, '10 at 9:24pm

gameman22

gameman22

73 posts

i would like to know wat u think of my story im writing for english class

    My home is a place called four point oh. Most of the people here are not normal. There is vampires, humans, clowns, robots and were wolfs. The pets here are normal expect for dragons. My name is Danny and im a vampire. I became one on an afternoon of a full moon. I was skateboarding when a dark like man came over to me and ask what I was. “What”? I asked. “What are you”? “A human” I said not know what was going on. Then the man attack me and said I was going to become a vampire.
    No one human knew about any these crazy animals. That was just the begining of my nightmares of the bazar world of four point oh.

so wat do u think so far

 

Posted Oct 23, '10 at 9:29pm

gameman22

gameman22

73 posts

srry for the box's most of them are qoutes

 

Posted Oct 23, '10 at 9:32pm

Freakenstein

Freakenstein

8,145 posts

Moderator

Is it creative writing, or an essay pertaining to a specific topic? I think with a bit of proofreading and some more in-depth storyline, it could be pretty decent! It has an interesting story concept, I'll give you that :)

 

Posted Oct 23, '10 at 9:33pm

CommanderDude7

CommanderDude7

2,408 posts

How did you know it was a full moon in the afternoon? jk To get rid of those boxes just type it in notepad instead of Word. An alright start I suppose.

 

Posted Oct 23, '10 at 9:41pm

iMogwai

iMogwai

1,754 posts

I think the sentences are a bit short, and too many. Maybe you could combine a few.

Like, instead of   

  My home is a place called four point oh. Most of the people here are not normal.

and

. My name is Danny and im a vampire. I became one on an afternoon of a full moon. I was skateboarding when a dark like man came over to me and ask what I was.

You could write something like

My home is a place called four point oh, a place where most people aren't normal, but

and

My name is Danny and I'm a vampire, which I became on an afternoon of a full moon, when I was skateboarding. A dark like man...

It makes it sound a bit less childish, in my opinion.

But then again, I'm not expert, I could be wrong. English isn't even my main language. In fact, I'd get a second opinion before I'd listen to me. Sometimes I do. That's why I take my medication. I'M NOT CRAZY!

 

Posted Oct 24, '10 at 7:40pm

gameman22

gameman22

73 posts

thx guys ill try to write some more and post it on here

 

Posted Oct 24, '10 at 8:06pm

MoonFairy

MoonFairy

3,221 posts

Mogwai you are stealing my job as editor. BACK IT UP.

Okkkkkayyyyy. Mogwai WAS right when he stated that your sentences were too choppy. Make it flow. It sounds like you are trying to fill us in on the background in a very short and sloppy paragraph. Where is the emotion in it? When I read it it's like I hear a robot reading it in monotone.

Now to dissect your paragraph.
First off, I wil show you what it COULD sound like if you edit before you post.

Before:
  My home is a place called four point oh. Most of the people here are not normal. There is vampires, humans, clowns, robots and were wolfs. The pets here are normal expect for dragons. My name is Danny and im a vampire. I became one on an afternoon of a full moon. I was skateboarding when a dark like man came over to me and ask what I was. â��Whatâ��? I asked. â��What are youâ��? â��A humanâ�� I said not know what was going on. Then the man attack me and said I was going to become a vampire.
    No one human knew about any these crazy animals. That was just the begining of my nightmares of the bazar world of four point oh.

---------------

After:
   My home is a place called four point oh, and most of the people here are not exactly normal. There are  vampires, humans, clowns, robots and were wolfs, and the pets here are normal expect for dragons.
   My name is Danny, and I'm a vampire. I became a vampire on the day of a full moon. I was skateboarding when a man who reeked of evil came over and asked, "What are you?"
   "What?" I asked. "What are you?", he repeated. "Same thing as you. A human." I replied, not know what was going on. "You are wrong." He said with an evil smile on his face. When I woke up he told me that I was a vampire. Just like that. I didn't know what I was supposed to do, what I wasn't supposed to do. I knew nothing except the fact I was very, very thirsty.
    No regular human knew about any these other kinds. Little did I know that this was just the beginning of my nightmares of the bizarre  world of Four-Point-Oh.

______

Yeah I really tried to make that flow, if I knew about the story more I could probably make it a million times better. But alas, I don't. Just update again and we will see whether your skills as a writer have improved for the better.

 

Posted Oct 24, '10 at 8:28pm

iMogwai

iMogwai

1,754 posts

Keep in mind that he's doing it as a school project, so don't write everything for him.

I'd like to correct one sentence which sounds really odd to me.

There are  vampires, humans, clowns, robots and were wolfs, and the pets here are normal expect for dragons.

I'd prefer something along the lines of

There are  vampires, humans, clowns, robots and werewolves, but, aside from the dragons, the pets here are normal.

 

Posted Oct 24, '10 at 8:59pm

MoonFairy

MoonFairy

3,221 posts

shut up. XP
Who said I was writing everything?
You give an example, and they follow suit.
SO NUH.
Go back to your first language. I don't want you to pwn me in my first language...

 

Posted Oct 24, '10 at 9:10pm

Hypermnestra

Hypermnestra

1,283 posts

i would like to know wat u think of my story im writing for english class

Weelll...I don't think that this story would pass English. I'm not going to butcher it without permission like SOME PEOPLE*cough cough*, but I will fix the grammar and point it out.

    My home is a place called four point oh. Most of the people here are not normal. There is vampires, humans, clowns, robots and were wolfs. The pets here are normal expect for dragons. My name is Danny and im a vampire. I became one on an afternoon of a full moon. I was skateboarding when a dark like man came over to me and ask what I was. â��Whatâ��? I asked. â��What are youâ��? â��A humanâ�� I said not know what was going on. Then the man attack me and said I was going to become a vampire.
    No one human knew about any these crazy animals. That was just the begining of my nightmares of the bazar world of four point oh.

Ahem, now, the fixed version.

    My home is a place called 4.0, or Four Point Oh. Most of the people here are not normal. There are vampires, humans, clowns, robots and werewolves. The pets here are normal, except for dragons. My name is Danny, and I'm a vampire. I became one on an afternoon of a full moon(this sentence makes no sense...). I was skateboarding when a dark man came over to me and asked what I was.
"What?" I asked.
"What are you?"
"A human," I said, not knowing what was going on. Then the man attacked me, and said I was going to become a vampire.

    Not one human knew about any these crazy animals. And that was just the beginning of my nightmares of the bizarre world of Four Point Oh.

Ever heard of spell check?

 
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