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Lamentations

Posted May 27, '11 at 9:17pm

MoonFairy

MoonFairy

3,421 posts

The fact that those haikus just come to you is even more amazing. Even though you have read some of the best poets out there, doesn't subtract from this natural ability of yours. I'm awaiting your free verse poem, and really you should just upload everything you write. Doesn't matter if you think it is good or bad, it is here for us to look at and tell you what could be better, so you can improve

 

Posted May 27, '11 at 9:29pm

Maverick4

Maverick4

6,891 posts

Why I Write

As I sit here now,
Pen in hand, paper before me,
The remenents of past works
Flutter across my desk
And stop short at my hands.

I stare at these creations,
My rampant words amuck
With clouds of ink and dust,
Staining the pages of time.
Looking, I sit here and wonder
As to why I write.

Words are useless without
A device to transport them.
Despite the open ears of the masses,
No one can hear me if my words don't attract,
Don't ignite, a small spark of interest...
A flame.

I write to stir up emotions
Within the hardened heart,
And to teach it how to feel again;
To throw off those bonds of granite
And know once more what it means
To live.

But not all would give me
A chance. Already, those who seek
Continued control over all shut me down.
They entomb all emotions, all feelings:
They are death, and they come.

Cold hands clutch at my face
And attempt to arrest movement
Of my tongue. And they grip
My hands, and force them to stop;
To disobey their master.

But my words come forth!
They dispell those tendrils of ice
That creep up my legs and frost
My vision. The cold of the night,
Of the world, has been vanquished by

A million lights
Of sun.

 

Posted May 28, '11 at 3:31am

Paarfam

Paarfam

1,607 posts

^^^ What is this? ^^^
You may be new, but um, what?

 

Posted May 28, '11 at 3:48am

MoonFairy

MoonFairy

3,421 posts

*ignores that idiot above paarfam*

I really like this one, mav. It starts out rather slow, and rushes in the end, keeps you on your toes, I likelikelikelove it.
Time for major critique nao.
(Don't hate me)
When you say device, the reader doesn't think of the mouth to speak the words, they think something like a computer or that. Try to change that up a bit, because it is better safe then sorry to assume the reader is rather not smart. Especially if you are trying to evoke emotion. Emotion is simple to write, you need not a large vocabulary to do it. Now when you get to the end, it rushes the suspense, and if your goal was to focus on the suspense, you slightly failed.
Let me give you your poem in a.... form that will make it clearer how the suspense went.

He walked down the road, the beautiful road filled with endless trees trimming the sides, flowers and other plants lining up beside the trees. But what is this? The road ends! Oh no! Wait. It was just a turn in the road. All is well again!

See? Its like a happy story with a happy ending. The twist wasn't held long enough for it to take full effect.

But I still like it

 

Posted May 28, '11 at 12:35pm

Maverick4

Maverick4

6,891 posts

When you say device, the reader doesn't think of the mouth to speak the words, they think something like a computer or that. Try to change that up a bit, because it is better safe then sorry to assume the reader is rather not smart. Especially if you are trying to evoke emotion. Emotion is simple to write, you need not a large vocabulary to do it. Now when you get to the end, it rushes the suspense, and if your goal was to focus on the suspense, you slightly failed.


My goal was that the 'fire' are my words and the 'ice' is the world. Similar to how ice melts very quickly in a fire, so to are the problems resolved when you give 'fire' (words) a chance to work out the problems.

It seems that I've forgotten to explain my poem again. :/ Always forget to do that...
 

Posted May 28, '11 at 1:23pm

MoonFairy

MoonFairy

3,421 posts

Well now that you give the explination it makes a looooooooooot more sense.
And you shouldn't feel the need to explain things, just let it floooooooooooow

 

Posted May 29, '11 at 10:51pm

Maverick4

Maverick4

6,891 posts

Dreams

What happens to a dream that dies
When its uprooted from our soul?
Does if fly away on fairy wings,
And float on to more fruitful lands?

And what should fill that empty space
That no brush paints black or white?
Do dreams call to forgotten brothers
To fill in those num'rous cracks?

Dreams with silver-dusted wings,
Soar immortal, in the clouds.
Alighting in a new, fresh mind;
Fueled by unconquerable spirit.
__________
I wrote about how, even when all your dreams seem crushed, they can always be achieved. An optimistic poem, for a change.

 

Posted May 29, '11 at 11:55pm

MoonFairy

MoonFairy

3,421 posts

Fairy wings.... *glances at my own pair*
Nifty.

It could've so easily rhymed! Why didn't you make it rhyyyyyyyyyyyme!!!!!
I really did like it though, your imagery skills are awesome as ever. If you want me to I'll go further in description. But only if you ask..

 

Posted May 30, '11 at 12:04pm

Maverick4

Maverick4

6,891 posts

It could've so easily rhymed! Why didn't you make it rhyyyyyyyyyyyme!!!!!


I don't really like having to write rhymes. I always feel chained to the structure, whereas with freeverse, I'm free to describe and write more how I feel, and I can be more spontaneous.

And further critiques are always appreciated. You don't have to ask me for permission; regardless of what you say, it can only be helpful. I'd much rather be slammed and then improove my works than be told I'm good when I'm really not.
 

Posted Jun 14, '11 at 8:58am

Maverick4

Maverick4

6,891 posts

West

Sunlight...
Opens up my eyes...
But not for the first time,
I find my self trapped
In a cage of lies.

Those who decieved us,
Who spoke from books of knowledge,
Led us to our graves,
Oh! I cry...

Asking: 'What could now save us?'
Pull us out of the fire
That envelopes our bodies?
Hold our souls and then never
Let go?'

Westward facing I lie now,
Never to breathe the sweet air.
Only now do I know
That we were all wrong!

As the stars say their prayers,
And the whole Earth adores Him,
Darkness flees in His prescense,
And inside my tomb, I face...
West.

Darkness...
Closes up my eyes...
And now for the first time,
I see the truth that
I have been missing.
__________
I wrote this for the 10 Day Poetry Contest, and the theme was 'Directions'. The first thing I thought of was 'West', which is the direction typically associated with death and the afterlife. So while the overlying theme is 'West' and 'the afterlife', theres an underlying theme about choosing the right or wrong paths, and the consequences that await.

Yes, its a religious poem. Deal with it.

 
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