Forums → Art, Music, and Writing → Merry Christmas/Happy New Year's From Moat

I know, I know, I'm late for Christmas. But I'm here now! And I have a present for everybody.
All you regulars...do you remember that old thread, Mod Abuse Counseling? The one that was way more hilarious than it was retarded?
Yeah, that one.
We were considering making it into one of those threads that flare up for a while then die out after a few weeks, right?
Well, as my Christmas present to AG...here is that thread.

MOD ABUSE COUNSELING
CASE #5: TO CATCH A PREDATROLLOR

New Mod: Wh-what happened here?
Experienced Mod: Frightening, isn't it?
New Mod: *shakes head sadly* Why would someone flame so many innocent newbies for now reason? It just...it doesn't make any sense.
Experienced Mod: You get around the block on the internet, you know that nothing has to make sense. It just has to elicit a "lol" which is not actually a "lol" because no one really laughs out loud when they say "lol".
New Mod: The unsanity.
Experienced Mod: You'll get used to it.
New Mod: I guess you're right. But this...this just feels wrong.
Experienced Mod: I know. But you just have to learn to live with it. C'mon, we've got to interview the victims.

User #1: *sobbing uncontrollably*
New Mod: *starts crying*
Experienced Mod: Uh...mod?
New Mod: *sniffling* What?
Experienced Mod: Why are you crying? Nothing happened to you.
New Mod: I'm a sympathetic crier. You should know that.
*New Mod and User both go to eye faucet mode*
Experienced Mod: *sigh* Look, I just need to ask you some questions about your trolling experience.
User: *sniveling and crying* What questions?
Experienced Mod: Well...like...do you think you can remember the screen name of the user who flamed you?
User: NO! *eye faucet mode*
New Mod: *crying*
Experienced Mod: Stop it!
New Mod: *sniffles* O...okay. *stops crying*
Experienced Mod: Look, I know this is difficult. But any information you can give us about this guy would be extremely helpful.
User: I...I just can't.
Experienced Mod: If you don't do this, you know that he will just do it again, to someone else.
User: *sniffles* Fine...I...I think his screen name was "|>|_0Xf33D73|-|7.-011". But that's all I know, I swear.
Experienced Mod: Thank you.

New Mod: Okay, I looked up the username "|>|_0Xf33D73|-|7.-011" in our member database.
Experienced Mod: And?
New Mod: *shakes head* Turned up nothing.
Experienced Mod: Well then, check again. That member database has every single AG member in existence, banned or not.
New Mod: I ran the check 10 times with twenty-four different 1337-speak variations of the name! It turned up nothing.
Experienced Mod: That's impossible!
New Mod: Well, it happened! I even checked the Wheel of Moderation for the name, and it wasn't there!
Experienced Mod: Bah, all that tells us is that this troll isn't gay. I guess it's not much, but it's something. It's a lead.
New Mod: So all we have to do is look for a straight AG member?
Experienced Mod: Yup. That rules out quite a lot of people, actually.
New Mod: Really?
Experienced Mod: Really. You'd be surprised.
New Mod: Okay.
Experienced Mod: Just look for the name again, okay?
New Mod: Maaannn...
Experienced Mod: Look for anything resembling |>|_0Xf33D73|-|7.-011. Do it quick, before this monster strikes again.
New Mod: But I already checked! I'm telling you that this guy does not exist anywhere in our database.
Experienced Mod: Au contraire, he does not exist anywhere on our online database. I'd be willing to bet you didn't check the hard copy of our user database.
New Mod: Well...no....
Experienced Mod: See? The online database can be accessed by anyone with a computer, and an experienced hacker could conceivably hack into it and delete the name of a user, if they got past the e-Dragon of Gondor guarding the database. However, the hard copy is protected by a non-e ArmorDragon, a much newer version of Protection Beast than the e-Dragon of Gondor. No one has ever gotten past it. The hard copy is untouchable by anyone but admins.
New Mod: Then how will we get it?
Experienced Mod: We will have to speak with...the Super-Mega-Death-Admin.
New Mod: 0.0
New Mod: No way!!!
New Mod: I wouldn't go near the SMDA with a forty-foot pole and a shield of invincibility! It's official, you're insane.
Experienced Mod: Stop whining and post a comment on her wall.
New Mod: NO WAY AM I DOING THAT. I once heard she banned twenty users at a time with one hand!
Experienced Mod: Ah, that old story? It's so exaggerated. I was there at the time.
New Mod: Really?
Experienced Mod: Yeah. It was fifteen users and she used a hand and a half.
New Mod: 0.0
New Mod: No.
New Mod: Never in a million years.
New Mod: Just no.
Experienced Mod: Come on, stop being such a wimp.
New Mod: NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS.
Experienced Mod: Fine...there are new Development Super Death Admins here now, for AG3. I guess we can talk to one of them so they can give us a quest.
New Mod: A quest?
Experienced Mod: Yeah. A quest. Only admins can give out quests, and completing a quest is the only way to get a Super Merit Cookie. The Armor Dragon eats the Super Merit Cookie and it will knock it out for exactly fifteen minutes.
New Mod: Fifteen minutes!?!?!?!?!?!?
New Mod: There is no way I can take all the hard copy files out of the Hard Copy Room in fifteen minutes! There are 750,000 pages! Do you have any idea how heavy paper is?!
Experienced Mod: lolwut?
Experienced Mod: No, no, you won't be taking out the hard copies. Whatever gave you that idea?
New Mod: Oh. Okay. So what will I be doing then?
Experienced Mod: Well, you can't take any of the copies out of the room. If you do, then the ArmorDragon will eat you for breakfast. Or lunch. Possibly dinner. You know, it really depends on when you try to take the files.
New Mod: WHAT?!?!?
Experienced Mod: Yeah. The ArmorDragon can't always eat Super Merit Cookies, so normally we feed it regular Merit Cookies. But sometimes we run out of Merit Cookies and Super Merit Cookies so it eats users who try to steal from the Hard Copy Room. It's actually quite nutritious, though bad for one's teeth.
New Mod: But...if I can't take the copies out of the room, then what will I do?!?
Experienced Mod: How did you even get to this position? You don't seem too bright to me.
Experienced Mod: You go through the files in the room. Duh.
New Mod: !!!!!!
New Mod: THERE IS NO WAY I CAN READ 750,000 FILES IN 15 MINUTES!
Experienced Mod: Sure you can.
Experienced Mod: According to my calculations, you will only have to read one file every 0.00116 seconds, giving you exactly 10 seconds to exit the room, 10 seconds to enter the room, and 10 seconds of transit time.
New Mod: Well...I don't think I will need that much time for transit, enter, and exit.
Experienced Mod: Yeah, I did think I was being a bit liberal with transit time.
New Mod: Just how big is this Hard Copy Room, exactly?
Experienced Mod: Ehh...being conservative? About 1500 feet.
New Mod: !!!!!
New Mod: THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE!
Experienced Mod: What are you talking about?
Experienced Mod: It's easy.
Experienced Mod: They must have really lowered the bar for mods since I passed my mod exam.
Experienced Mod: Tell me, what exactly did you do in your mod exam?
New Mod: I had to sneak past the two-headed Adminadragon while battling 5 trolls, 5 flamers, and 5 spammers on a 2-inch wide tightrope over a pit of molten steel with only a can of soda pop while reading War and Peace.
Experienced Mod: See, yeah, I knew it.
Experienced Mod: When I became a mod, I had to sneak past two five-headed Adminodragons while battling 10 trolls, 10 flamers, 10 spammers, and 1 stupid merit-wanting user with only an empty can of soda pop while reading The Bible and A la Recherche du Temps Perdu, not translated, on a 0.5 inch wide tightrope over a pit of acid lava.
New Mod: *sigh*
New Mod: So what will we do now?

Now I call upon all ye users of old who used to write these kind of convos! CONTINUE TO WRITE!