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The Writings of SupaLegit

Posted Mar 26, '11 at 11:18pm

SupaLegit

SupaLegit

651 posts

And I proof read it >.>

For I'd be lost wreck without my best friend.

For I'd be a lost wreck without my best friend
~Fixed

    The Tear

The tear streaking my cheek
Pierces a road of sorrow.

The pain swells, tearing me
From inside-out.

His eyes no more than a misty haze
Lost, looking for help.
His dieing breath stinging my chilled flesh.

I attempt to calm my raging mind
In vain, and I utterly break down.

I stare into his eyes; deeply searching the haze.
I whisper in his ear,
Enraged that he probably couldn't hear
My plead to please don't leave me.
For I'd be a lost wreck without my best friend.

The tear now boils,
Searing my skin, searing the road.
My tear is now a raging inferno;
I will avenge him, for me and his kin.

Bloody footprints will be all that is left
Of his murderer. Nothing more, nothing less!

 

Posted Mar 27, '11 at 5:15pm

SupaLegit

SupaLegit

651 posts

Betrayed

I wake from my sleep
And try hard not to make a peep.

I feel so lost, so confused.
So very tempted to light the fuse.

Betrayed; So lost and confused.
have they forgotten what I have done?

I built their foundation,
I built their pyramid,
Built their forsaken dream!

What do they do for me?
They decide to betray thee.
That's what they did for me!

 

Posted Mar 27, '11 at 5:18pm

TackyCrazyTNT

TackyCrazyTNT

1,628 posts

My favorite is the third stanza!! :D
It's very nice overall, but for some reason it irks me when you use thee. Sorry.

 

Posted Mar 27, '11 at 5:25pm

SupaLegit

SupaLegit

651 posts

Thank you, but on which poem? Tear or betrayed?
Also, yeah I wasn't so sure about thee either.

 

Posted Mar 27, '11 at 5:28pm

TackyCrazyTNT

TackyCrazyTNT

1,628 posts

On Betrayed.
I love the poem Tear overall. It's really powerful. :D

 

Posted Mar 27, '11 at 5:34pm

SupaLegit

SupaLegit

651 posts

On Betrayed.
I love the poem Tear overall. It's really powerful. :D

Ah, yes Tear is my personal favorite so far.

I surprisingly wasn't all too happy with Betrayed for some odd reason :/

 

Posted Mar 27, '11 at 5:40pm

master565

master565

3,874 posts

My favorite is Betrayed because it's so powerfull and flows together so well.
But the only stanza i didn't like is "I wake from my sleep
And try hard not to make a peep."

I feel like this doesn't really fit in the poem.

 

Posted Mar 27, '11 at 5:41pm

TackyCrazyTNT

TackyCrazyTNT

1,628 posts

[whisper] I think it's because of the thee [whisper]

 

Posted Mar 27, '11 at 6:02pm

SupaLegit

SupaLegit

651 posts

My favorite is Betrayed because it's so powerfull and flows together so well.

Thank you very much :)

But the only stanza i didn't like is "I wake from my sleep
And try hard not to make a peep."

I feel like this doesn't really fit in the poem.

There is a deep meaning into that first stanza... On a shallow view here you go:
Someone "wakes up from a dream" to find the world hates him or her.
They find that their beloved have betrayed them, they can't bear it...
Now what could the stuff in the " mean? Not spoiling it >;O

[whisper] I think it's because of the thee [whisper]

BINGO!!!

 

Posted Mar 27, '11 at 6:03pm

TackyCrazyTNT

TackyCrazyTNT

1,628 posts

I just don't like the rhyming in the peep sleep one.

 
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