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The Writings of SupaLegit

Posted Mar 26, '11 at 11:18pm

SupaLegit

SupaLegit

670 posts

And I proof read it >.>

For I'd be lost wreck without my best friend.

For I'd be a lost wreck without my best friend
~Fixed

The Tear

The tear streaking my cheek
Pierces a road of sorrow.

The pain swells, tearing me
From inside-out.

His eyes no more than a misty haze
Lost, looking for help.
His dieing breath stinging my chilled flesh.

I attempt to calm my raging mind
In vain, and I utterly break down.

I stare into his eyes; deeply searching the haze.
I whisper in his ear,
Enraged that he probably couldn't hear
My plead to please don't leave me.
For I'd be a lost wreck without my best friend.

The tear now boils,
Searing my skin, searing the road.
My tear is now a raging inferno;
I will avenge him, for me and his kin.

Bloody footprints will be all that is left
Of his murderer. Nothing more, nothing less!
 

Posted Mar 27, '11 at 5:15pm

SupaLegit

SupaLegit

670 posts

Betrayed

I wake from my sleep
And try hard not to make a peep.

I feel so lost, so confused.
So very tempted to light the fuse.

Betrayed; So lost and confused.
have they forgotten what I have done?

I built their foundation,
I built their pyramid,
Built their forsaken dream!

What do they do for me?
They decide to betray thee.
That's what they did for me!

 

Posted Mar 27, '11 at 5:18pm

TackyCrazyTNT

TackyCrazyTNT

1,955 posts

My favorite is the third stanza!!
It's very nice overall, but for some reason it irks me when you use thee. Sorry.

 

Posted Mar 27, '11 at 5:25pm

SupaLegit

SupaLegit

670 posts

Thank you, but on which poem? Tear or betrayed?
Also, yeah I wasn't so sure about thee either.

 

Posted Mar 27, '11 at 5:28pm

TackyCrazyTNT

TackyCrazyTNT

1,955 posts

On Betrayed.
I love the poem Tear overall. It's really powerful.

 

Posted Mar 27, '11 at 5:34pm

SupaLegit

SupaLegit

670 posts

On Betrayed.
I love the poem Tear overall. It's really powerful.

Ah, yes Tear is my personal favorite so far.

I surprisingly wasn't all too happy with Betrayed for some odd reason :/
 

Posted Mar 27, '11 at 5:40pm

master565

master565

4,288 posts

My favorite is Betrayed because it's so powerfull and flows together so well.
But the only stanza i didn't like is "I wake from my sleep
And try hard not to make a peep."

I feel like this doesn't really fit in the poem.

 

Posted Mar 27, '11 at 5:41pm

TackyCrazyTNT

TackyCrazyTNT

1,955 posts

[whisper] I think it's because of the thee [whisper]

 

Posted Mar 27, '11 at 6:02pm

SupaLegit

SupaLegit

670 posts

My favorite is Betrayed because it's so powerfull and flows together so well.

Thank you very much

But the only stanza i didn't like is "I wake from my sleep
And try hard not to make a peep."

I feel like this doesn't really fit in the poem.

There is a deep meaning into that first stanza... On a shallow view here you go:
Someone "wakes up from a dream" to find the world hates him or her.
They find that their beloved have betrayed them, they can't bear it...
Now what could the stuff in the " mean? Not spoiling it >;O

[whisper] I think it's because of the thee [whisper]

BINGO!!!
 

Posted Mar 27, '11 at 6:03pm

TackyCrazyTNT

TackyCrazyTNT

1,955 posts

I just don't like the rhyming in the peep sleep one.

 
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