ForumsArt, Music, and WritingThe Writings of SupaLegit

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SupaLegit
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SupaLegit
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I am going to post the poems ant etc I make here. A critique and feedback would be appreciated!
The first one:

It
It lurks in the shadows;
Hides from the light.
So evil it turns meadows
Into nothing more than a horrible sight!

Dark and grim,
Gruesome and deadly
It is horrid and turns everything dim!

Children please, promise me,
That thee do not go
Outside alone!
It will shred you to pieces,
Eat your insides,
Drink your blood,
And feast on thy!

As It is dark and grim,
Gruesome and deadly,
Turns everything depressing and dim.

You have reached a crossroads,
Have a choice to make,
What will it be?

Choose wrong and the
Last thing we may hear from you
Is a blood curdling shriek that pierces the night!

So promise me children that thee
Do not go outside alone.
For It is lurking, and waiting for YOU!

  • 103 Replies
master565
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master565
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My favorite is Betrayed because it's so powerfull and flows together so well.
But the only stanza i didn't like is "I wake from my sleep
And try hard not to make a peep."

I feel like this doesn't really fit in the poem.

TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
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[whisper] I think it's because of the thee [whisper]

SupaLegit
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SupaLegit
647 posts
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My favorite is Betrayed because it's so powerfull and flows together so well.

Thank you very much

But the only stanza i didn't like is "I wake from my sleep
And try hard not to make a peep."

I feel like this doesn't really fit in the poem.

There is a deep meaning into that first stanza... On a shallow view here you go:
Someone "wakes up from a dream" to find the world hates him or her.
They find that their beloved have betrayed them, they can't bear it...
Now what could the stuff in the " mean? Not spoiling it >;O

[whisper] I think it's because of the thee [whisper]

BINGO!!!
TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
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I just don't like the rhyming in the peep sleep one.

master565
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master565
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Nice, i didn't think of it like that but why does the person try not to make a peep?

SupaLegit
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SupaLegit
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They are heartbroken inside and wish the world away....

Anyways, I want to try something new:
You guys supply me a theme, perhaps even the first line too, and I will create a poem with that theme (with/without the first line weather provided)
I'll do the first suggestion and go from there!

TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
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Donuts and raindrops.

SupaLegit
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SupaLegit
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I lol'd

You're getting a Kaiku cause I'm lazy on this topic ;P

Rain & Donuts

Rain makes wheat grow tall.
Wheat makes sticky balls of dough.
Dough makes good donuts.

master565
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master565
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SupaLegit is great

TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
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WOOHOO!!!
Your haiku made me very happy.

jeol
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jeol
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All your writing makes me really happy. Good job!

SupaLegit
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SupaLegit
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Aww, I feel so loved
@master Thanks I am great aren't I >
@Tacky I knew it would :O
@jeol Thanks a lot guys! I'm currently working on somethin special for you all!
@starcutie haha thanks

SupaLegit
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SupaLegit
647 posts
170

While I work on this current one, what's my next topic gonna be guys ??
I did donuts so I think you can reach really far out if you desire ;O

SupaLegit
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SupaLegit
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Arighty I finished the one I was working on, hope you guys enjoy.
Much shorter than some of my other works:

Drowning
Cold, wet, and fear stricken,
Rasping mind, achey body,
Emotional trauma blocking
out all happy thoughts.

Arms flail rapidly to and fro,
Legs feel as if filled of Jell-O;
To Death's Door I wave my hello.

For suffocation is near,
All because I fell off the pier.

TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
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I really, really, really liked the first stanza. I don't think you should have tried to rhyme the last two.

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