Forums → Art, Music, and Writing → The Writings of SupaLegit
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I am going to post the poems ant etc I make here. A critique and feedback would be appreciated!
The first one:
It
It lurks in the shadows;
Hides from the light.
So evil it turns meadows
Into nothing more than a horrible sight!
Dark and grim,
Gruesome and deadly
It is horrid and turns everything dim!
Children please, promise me,
That thee do not go
Outside alone!
It will shred you to pieces,
Eat your insides,
Drink your blood,
And feast on thy!
As It is dark and grim,
Gruesome and deadly,
Turns everything depressing and dim.
You have reached a crossroads,
Have a choice to make,
What will it be?
Choose wrong and the
Last thing we may hear from you
Is a blood curdling shriek that pierces the night!
So promise me children that thee
Do not go outside alone.
For It is lurking, and waiting for YOU!
- 103 Replies
Oh, my bad... I really should proof-read carefully...
English Countryside
A cool, breezy day
On the English countryside:
Birds chirp over head,
In the breeze the wheat sways.
The heat seems to hide,
As we get out of our bed.
On a picnic we go,
Heat decided not to show.
Alas the sun sets, magnificent colors bloom.
Under the willow tree I was asked to be a groom.
I'm working on a poem for the 10-day poetry contest, and I though while I work it out, why not post my progress? It is so far being a more difficult poem to work out, and could possibly end up being a bit longer than my others.
[Insert Title Here]
Rise from the dead,
Your Time is now!
You were once extremely feared,
Now I give you your second chance:
Show no mercy; bash their skulls!
Their Hellish end is surely near;
Your sword will be their last dalliance,
For they are all pitiful, worthless culls!
Avenge thyself, and leave none standing!
Just think of what they did to you:
Your limp, cold body is a branding,
A horrific reminder of what they do!
Oh, yes, don't forget the last of their wrath!
Remember that fire, remember the scorching pain?
Well, it lingers in my mind as a long, long path.
Together, we will walk and they shall meet their bane!
----------------------
Well, that's all I have for now, critiques as of it current form, and any suggestions are welcome, like: a title, a stanza idea, word choices etc.
For the record dalliance in this situation means: involvement.
More specifically, in my poem the sword will be the enemies last involvement with life. >:O
Oh yeah, if you guys have stanza an/or line idea, I'd like them to either follow a:
a
b
a
b
rhyme patten (where and a b can be any sound)
or
a
b
c
(next stanza)
a
b
c
(again, where a and b sounds can be anything)
~Thanks so much!
Supa
Alas the sun sets, magnificent colors bloom.
Under the willow tree I was asked to be a groom.
That's cute! But you should have referenced the groom part earlier on, or hinted at it or something. :P
You used a lot of excalmation points. XD
I'm in a very critiquing mode, so I'll just say this: I don't like the last stanza of the poetry contest poem. I don't know why. It irks me.
All the other ones are good.
I hinted at the "As we get out of our bed" part.
I'm not done with these new styles, maybe I will give more hints later on...
As for the poetry contest one, I wasn't so sure about the latest stanza either, I may do some changing around. Do you have any ideas as of what to come next? I'm kind of at a writers block on that one, though I do have some thoughts... Oh,and WOW, just noticed I used ! at the end of all the stanzas, and at the beginning of the last too as well... Maybe I'll keep up that pattern...
Another Terza rima, cause I just want to :P
Head Held High
Regret fills up my mournful, depressed mind,
But I must keep my head up or fall behind.
For my tragic life just might brighten up.
I only made one stanza and I did not rhyme it the "correct" fashion, but it still has a place in my heart :P
I'm going through everything, so I can't give you a complete review, but I will from now on.
The first one, you should work on the the rhythm and remember it doesn't matter if you rhyme it all or not.
The second Haiku, as Mav pointed out had an extra syllable in the 2nd line.
Ode to Your Dog,
The rhythm gets a bit off at times, you might want to review your poetry and make sure it feels the same syllable wise for your readers.
Eternal pain,
I enjoyed it, but you changed it up at times. It broke off whatever meter it had, like I said before, look over before you post.
The tear, is by far the best on the page.
I like
I attempt to calm my raging mind
In vain, and I utterly break down.
and
The tear now boils,
Searing my skin, searing the road.
My tear is now a raging inferno;
But you ended it on a death, while I prefer a more thoughtful type of ending. But whatevs :P
Betrayed; So lost and confused.
have they forgotten what I have done?
What I dislike about it is that you used pretty much the same words just re worded it.
It throws off the rhythm, but other than that it is nice.
Oh and keep in mind, I'm posting the reviews in every post with each page.
So one post for the fist, the second post for the second, ect. ect.
Yeah, the first few poems were a bit off I'll admit that.
I personally liked the Tear as I was writing, as for Eternal Pain I am aware that I switched it up a bit.
I did end it on a death, but since I did, I did... ;P
Thanks for the critiques, I would greatly appreciate it if you looked over my work-in-progress on page 7
Nice Haiku with the rain thing. Way to tie it together :P
I'll combine the 3 & 4th page since there was just a haiku.
Cold, wet, and fear stricken,
Rasping mind, achey body,
Emotional trauma blocking
out all happy thoughts.
Cold, wet, and fear struck.
Rasping breath, aching pain,
Emotion suppressed because it is too much.
I liked the first and second, not the last one. It ended too abruptly.
I've nothing to really say about the Animal kingdom, it wasn't superb, but it wasn't bad.
Nice Haiku with the rain thing. Way to tie it together :P
Haha, thanks, the topic was from a viewer, and I had to at least follow through with something ;P
I've nothing to really say about the Animal kingdom, it wasn't superb, but it wasn't bad.
The original poem by Whitman didn't stand out to me either. It was something different, and I wanted to try it. ;P
The edit was quite nice.
Forgotten, Woah.
That was quite amazing. I loved it.
Crisis was nice for the FLP
Worn bench.
I used a line like that for one of my poems a while back
Cold, dark, and alone. lol xD
Now, you say the bench likes to be sat on... it seems to change the vibe in the end of it.
The sun one was very nice. I enjoyed reading it. Nothing to correct.
The Hunter, I liked the ending. It was very nice, but the beginning kind of made no sense.
The edit was quite nice.
It has been unanimously agreed upon
Forgotten, Woah.
That was quite amazing. I loved it.
Why thank you, very much!
Now, you say the bench likes to be sat on... it seems to change the vibe in the end of it.
I said it was alone, wouldn't you like company at some point?
The Hunter, I liked the ending. It was very nice, but the beginning kind of made no sense.
Well, the beginning was meant to be a blur, and then in the middle, as you see, it becomes clearer. On a side note, it ended up with 3rd place
Corssroads,
You better be ready for my judging in the Tanks Contest! DDD
The second one, you used Kill a bit too much for my taste. Try synonyms.
Inferno was good in the beginning, but it changed the scheme and didn't fit as nicely as it would've if you would of stuck to the same rhyme scheme.
Corssroads,
You better be ready for my judging in the Tanks Contest! DDD
I believe its "Crossroads" :P
And uh-oh... I hope it is prepared for the brutal or heavenly judgement D:
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