ForumsArt, Music, and WritingThe Writings of SupaLegit

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SupaLegit
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SupaLegit
644 posts
Nomad

I am going to post the poems ant etc I make here. A critique and feedback would be appreciated!
The first one:

It
It lurks in the shadows;
Hides from the light.
So evil it turns meadows
Into nothing more than a horrible sight!

Dark and grim,
Gruesome and deadly
It is horrid and turns everything dim!

Children please, promise me,
That thee do not go
Outside alone!
It will shred you to pieces,
Eat your insides,
Drink your blood,
And feast on thy!

As It is dark and grim,
Gruesome and deadly,
Turns everything depressing and dim.

You have reached a crossroads,
Have a choice to make,
What will it be?

Choose wrong and the
Last thing we may hear from you
Is a blood curdling shriek that pierces the night!

So promise me children that thee
Do not go outside alone.
For It is lurking, and waiting for YOU!

  • 103 Replies
murasaki9
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murasaki9
1,390 posts
Blacksmith

Wow, this one "Winter's Embrace"... It's a master piece, Supalegit.
I really like how you contrast winter's cold with summer's heat, winter's activities with summer's lack of activities. Etc etc. I'm no poet, so, bear in mind, that I won't have much criticism for you. I'll only criticize if its really bad, which I doubt I'll have to deal with. I'm pretty open minded that way.

SupaLegit
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SupaLegit
644 posts
Nomad

Aww, thank you Murasaki!
It makes me feel good when people like my poems, and even fore joyous when they call it a masterpiece!

murasaki9
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murasaki9
1,390 posts
Blacksmith

You're welcome! I hope I can learn to be as skilled as you are in writing poetry one day!

SupaLegit
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SupaLegit
644 posts
Nomad

Hm... Experiment time! I'm going to try a Cinquain, I don't know how this is going to look...

Line 1- states the Idea (one word)
Line 2- adjectives (two words)
Line 3- actions (verbs) (three words)
Line 4- feelings (four words)
Line 5- Restatement of the idea; sums it up (one word)

---------------------
[
b]Oceans[/b]

Oceans
Majestic, calm
Rolling, waving, engulfing
Superior and mighty force.
Power

and one on rain

Rain

Rain
Mighty force
Soaking, clensing, blossoming
Be nothing without rain.
Creator

murasaki9
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murasaki9
1,390 posts
Blacksmith

Ooh, what's that called? A Cinpuain? I've never heard of it!
Hey, maybe I'll try some too! You make writing them sound so
easy, Supalegit!

SupaLegit
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SupaLegit
644 posts
Nomad

A Cinpuain?

Close, a Cinqain. ;P

Hey, maybe I'll try some too!

I'm glad I encourage other writers to try something new

You make writing them sound so easy, Supalegit!

You can just call me Supa. Anyways, I'm happy that you think so, I honestly think that the two Cinquains I wrote were not all that good.
SupaLegit
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SupaLegit
644 posts
Nomad

Hm, I won't be adding poems as much as I have been, for I've started a story. The link is here if you want to check it out. It will hopefully be a great, interesting story that you guys will love. It is going to switch between perspectives: a wolf's perspective, and then the perspective of Moon and me.

I will still be adding poems here, just not as numerous as before.

----------------
Fix'd title:


Oceans

Oceans
Majestic, calm
Rolling, waving, engulfing
Superior and mighty force.
Power

-------------
And to keep you guys satisfied:

War

Such a horrid thing:
Killing for some reason
That is plain absurd!

Gun shots echoing
Forever in the minds
Of the poor victims;
Our ill-fated saviors.

They do our dirty work;
Kill the enemy so that
We may continue to prosper.

It wouldn't be so bad
If we had good reasoning.
But no, go in a blood frenzy
Over some stupid piece of land!

I'd like to force you
Into the front lines;
See how you like it!

See if you can handle
Watching others die.
See if you can handle...

Wet socks, dirty clothes.
But it doesn't end there!
Oh no, it doesn't end there.

Bullets piercing both you
And you poor comrades flesh.
Bombs going off here and there
Knocking down buildings, knocking
Down your sanity,one piece a time.

Blood lust in the eyes of the nation,
Tears in the eyes of our poor heroes.

Can't we just get along
And break this cycle
Of horrid pain and death?

I guess not!
Why you ask?
Because of you
And your insanity.

I'd like to force you
Into the front lines;
See how you like it!

Blood lust in the eyes of the nation,
Tears in the eyes of our poor heroes.

SupaLegit
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SupaLegit
644 posts
Nomad

Two quick poems for the FLP, but I still gave them a deep meaning.Hpe you guys enjoy! I'm ope toany and all feedback, I want your thoughts on my work!

----------------------
Hold on to Hope

I hope.
For it is all
I can do.
They can strip
My dignity,
They can strip
My life.
But the can not
Strip my hope.

------------------

Karma: The Last Laugh

Levels of clouds.
I soar above them,
Laugh at their faces.
They looked down upon
My distasteful life.
But now look who
Has the last laugh!
I'm level with the clouds,
Their level with Hell!

SupaLegit
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SupaLegit
644 posts
Nomad

Wow, look how badly I fail! :O

*Two quick poems for the FLP, but I still gave them a deep meaning. Hope you guys enjoy! I'm open to any and all feedback, I want your thoughts on my work!

SupaLegit
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SupaLegit
644 posts
Nomad

Children's Feet

Children's feet;
So small and fragile,
Just like their minds.
Grow large and strong,
Just like their will.
Bruised, and tired,
Just like a bad day.

Children's feet;
So small, so fragile.
Don't crush their feet,
For they are helpless
And they may become
Crippled forever.

SupaLegit
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SupaLegit
644 posts
Nomad

My 10 day contest entry. The night part is a bit off... Yes, I did rhyme something for once! I was at a lack of mind and words to rhyme on the night part soo yeah, a little more on the confusing and forced side... Curse being tired!

------------------------

My Private Shore

My private shore:
Lay secret by the horizon.
A place to always adore,
A bliss never to wizen!

My private island,
A paradise in it's own;
A blessed highland
High above humanity's bemoan.

My private life,
Away from pain.
There is no strife;
Devil's attempt in vain.

My private ocean
Right in my backyard.
Protects my notion;
The Ocean, my vanguard!

My private breeze,
Soothing on my flesh.
Banishing humanity's sleaze,
Leaving my life afresh.

My private days,
The joy they bring.
Excitement they raise,
Keeping my mind keen.

My private nights,
The dark swallowing.
Cool, crisp air invites
You to my divine wallowing!

My private heaven;
My death to be refined.
A place to leaven
My tired mind.


------------------------
I'd love feedback on my works... With 2400+ views, I know my poems are being read a a constant rate... Any of those lurkers want to critique me and help me out? Please?

shailajaisrani
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shailajaisrani
274 posts
Nomad

i love your poems, Supa Legit! they have great expression and i especially like War and Hold On To Hope. keep it up!!

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