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The things in Neef's head.

Posted Apr 18, '11 at 7:20pm

Neef

Neef

86 posts

http://i466.photobucket.com/albums/rr25/sweetestxdrugs/Quotes/thefear.jpg

 

Posted Apr 18, '11 at 8:10pm

Neef

Neef

86 posts

Okay I'm making a poem for school as my class assignment, and I would like to know if it's any good. 'Kay?
  Anyways...
Alright, now the poem's supposed to have imagery, and be about your 'supposedly' perfect place.(The place doesn't have to be real either) It's basically free verse, but it must have 12 lines.

I might be stalling, but for a good reason, I have created two versions, and I don't know which to make as my official poem... How about a majority vote? Hmm... Shall we?

Where I could spend eternity,
Feeling wonderful and free.
At your beauty I cried,
Because you are temptation personified.

Alone with you is all I ever ask,
either in the open or secret place,
I can be blissfully happy at last,
I need only to look at your face.

Where we are, doesn't matter,
Neither loud nor quiet,
Care not for the latter,
Because your breath is not silent.

Now for the second poem, which follows the theme more closely. The 'perfect place' is my dreams.

A meadow of silent, nothingness towards the seams
A sea of grass, my imagination's wings unfurled,
Softly playing music enters my dream,
A sensory subconscious world.

A fragrance like none other,
Floats, drifting of the flowers,
It hangs in the air, soft, yet sharp,
Bright and crisp, like the air of an early Autumn day.

The grass underneath my bare feet is silk,
Feeling real, and smooth, no sign of wilt,
There's earth in my toes and wind on my face,
I'm loving the feel of this extravagant place.

 

Posted Apr 18, '11 at 11:45pm

SupaLegit

SupaLegit

651 posts

Well, I personally like the second one more. Love has been done a lot, and since you need imagery, I feel the second is best all the way.

All I have to say is: don't be afraid to put more punctuation, you don't need only one period per stanza. Sometimes a colon and semi colon can really make an idea, other times, several commas can break an idea.

Oh yeah, watch the tense usage of your verbs:

Floats, drifting of the flowers,

Floating, drifting among the meadow. 

I assume you mean through as "Floating, drifting of the flowers" doesn't make too much sense. Also, meadow just because it more descriptive than "flower" and it seems that you don't want to rhyme that second stanza, all the better to put meadow.

My last piece of advise is to make the second stanza rhyme, and see how it sounds. If you don't like it, then keep to the original.

 

Posted Apr 19, '11 at 7:26pm

Neef

Neef

86 posts

A fragrance like none other,
Floats, drifting among the meadow,
It hangs in the air, but doesn't smother,
The Bright and crisp air of the Autumn fellow.

I think that's personification, but I'm not quite sure, And in line 2, It was suppose to be, Floating, drifting off the flowers, The sent supposedly coming off of the flowers.

 

Posted Apr 19, '11 at 7:34pm

SupaLegit

SupaLegit

651 posts

A fragrance like none other,
Floats, drifting among the meadow,
It hangs in the air, but doesn't smother,
The Bright and crisp air of the Autumn fellow.

Much nicer but don't forget the 'i-n-g' :P

I would rewrite the the third line as:

It looms in the air, [never to] smother.

Experiment with the word choices to go in in the [ ]
Never to is the only thing that came to mind, but I don't have time to think of anything else for I'm a little busy at the moment.

 

Posted Apr 21, '11 at 11:07pm

Neef

Neef

86 posts

Bugs fly toward
Bright, Pretty light,
drifting closer, and the air
getting warmer,
buzzing slightly,
with electricity,
The last thing though it's head is,
"Crap!"
  ZAP!

 

Posted Apr 21, '11 at 11:09pm

tegan190

tegan190

614 posts

Bugs fly toward
Bright, Pretty light,
drifting closer, and the air
getting warmer,
buzzing slightly,
with electricity,
The last thing though it's head is,
"Crap!"
  ZAP!

Hmmm....Lemme guess..Abut flying into a car windowshield? :D

 

Posted Apr 21, '11 at 11:12pm

Neef

Neef

86 posts

Here lies a liar
That lied about
The lies he lied
in his lying life.
His gravestone says,
"And That's the Truth."

 

Posted Apr 21, '11 at 11:18pm

Neef

Neef

86 posts

Hey Pervert,
Stop joking,
And making,
everything,
so **** Akward.

No... No!
Don't take your shirt off!
Leave it on,
Gack! WTH?
What're you doing now?
HOLY COW!

I'll let you people decide what that person's doing.

 

Posted Apr 21, '11 at 11:24pm

SupaLegit

SupaLegit

651 posts

Hmmm....Lemme guess..Abut flying into a car windowshield? :D

Um, bug zapper because oft he electricity.

The pervert one was... unusual... That's all I have to say about it...

 
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