ForumsArt, Music, and WritingThe things in Neef's head.

55 9354
Neef
offline
Neef
149 posts
Peasant

Hello people,

This is my thread, Thanks to Icy for the encouragement, and I'll post poems here, and you guys can do whatever. I mean, like you don't have to say anything, but it'd be nice to be critiqued once in a while. Since I'll post whenever...
T.T

  • 55 Replies
Neef
offline
Neef
149 posts
Peasant

This poem was overdue to be posted.

Now I've gotten bored with you,
like some old toy i threw you aside,
You thought that i was a fool,
And so you went and tried,
to find where I hid,
you found me,
and heaven forbid,
I threw a fit.
I yowled
and spit
and scratched
and hissed
and clawed
and...
missed.
you picked me up,
off the ground,
while i tried to move around,
out of you clutches,
I meowed and fussed,
and when you tried to pet me,
I guess i should have warned you that day,
you were just rubbing me the wrong way.
My sharp pointy claws,
connected with your face,
And i scratched it raw,
Right on that mushy place,
you screamed and dropped me,
onto the living room floor,
and then i bolted out the door,
trying to make my escape,
when i heard your voice,
"Get back here or i'll make..."
That was what i heard,
till it faded into the distance,
not another word,
after all of that resistance.
Only a little while later,
did i wish for you to cater,
once again to my every need and wish,
I wanted my tuna and fish,
in a bowl on the floor,
so i scratched on the front door.
when it opened I really wished,
that you wouldn't look that pissed,
Because where would i sleep if not the foot of the bed?
and what would i do if my steak was red?
How could my box be clean,
when you were not even to be seen?
So i sat there at your feet,
at my usual seat,
like a good little kitty,
and hoped that you had some extra tuna fishy.


April Fool's Day Poem

Quiet,
Sneaky,
Like a fox,
I shave your head,
while you're in your bed,
and steal all your socks.
Silent,
Keen,
A Prank Machine,
Slithering like a snake,
I switch out the concrete,
for the dough in the cake,
so you'll sink,
into the rink,
when you try to skate.
Quick,
Clever.
Like the rat,
That I hid inside your hat...

Happy Fool's Day Everybody!

Neef
offline
Neef
149 posts
Peasant

I'm on fire!
Speaking of fire...

Lava

Fire that Flows,
That Shrivels as it Grows,
Burning Heat,
That Darkens as it Glows.

.... inspiration is for armatures.

Death

Death passes and breaks,
is cold and corrupt,
Leaves blackness in its wake,
and the healthy corrupt

Conflict

Eyes convey depression,
while a smile hides her true expression.
Her mouth always trying for elation,
But her lack pupils tell of ****ation.
The truth hiding behind a mask,
and not a very good one at that.
Obvious conflict shows on her face,
when instead of a frown i see a smile in its place.


Steam Engine

Steam into fog,
sooty black,
turning cogs.
Click-clack,
of the gears,
rusted metal,
over the years.
Cra-----ack,
Breaking,
Stopping,
Making,
Popping,
Noises that fill the air,
Water seeping through the cracks,
Swelling;Hear it
when it snaps


Untitled Poems

Floating,
Gently,
on the water,
looking up at the moon,
drifting,
slowly,
away from shore,
staring,
gazing,
at the stars,
bright,
shining,
in the sky,
there they tempt me,
to join their flight,
but i don't,
Cuze if i do,
i know i wont,
come back down.

Gooey Warmth and Creamy deliciousness,
To eat with out sharing is total maliciousness,
But if i was in your place,
knowing your food attraction,
I would rub it in your face,
Just to watch your reaction.


You know, I just bored

Neef
offline
Neef
149 posts
Peasant

All these poems are 100% original (obviously) and I would appreciate if you didn't take them with out giving credit, thanks.

tegan190
offline
tegan190
790 posts
Peasant

Awesome poems man! keep up the good work

Neef
offline
Neef
149 posts
Peasant

http://i466.photobucket.com/albums/rr25/sweetestxdrugs/Quotes/thefear.jpg

Neef
offline
Neef
149 posts
Peasant

Okay I'm making a poem for school as my class assignment, and I would like to know if it's any good. 'Kay?
Anyways...
Alright, now the poem's supposed to have imagery, and be about your 'supposedly' perfect place.(The place doesn't have to be real either) It's basically free verse, but it must have 12 lines.

I might be stalling, but for a good reason, I have created two versions, and I don't know which to make as my official poem... How about a majority vote? Hmm... Shall we?

Where I could spend eternity,
Feeling wonderful and free.
At your beauty I cried,
Because you are temptation personified.

Alone with you is all I ever ask,
either in the open or secret place,
I can be blissfully happy at last,
I need only to look at your face.

Where we are, doesn't matter,
Neither loud nor quiet,
Care not for the latter,
Because your breath is not silent.


Now for the second poem, which follows the theme more closely. The 'perfect place' is my dreams.

A meadow of silent, nothingness towards the seams
A sea of grass, my imagination's wings unfurled,
Softly playing music enters my dream,
A sensory subconscious world.

A fragrance like none other,
Floats, drifting of the flowers,
It hangs in the air, soft, yet sharp,
Bright and crisp, like the air of an early Autumn day.

The grass underneath my bare feet is silk,
Feeling real, and smooth, no sign of wilt,
There's earth in my toes and wind on my face,
I'm loving the feel of this extravagant place.

SupaLegit
offline
SupaLegit
647 posts
Peasant

Well, I personally like the second one more. Love has been done a lot, and since you need imagery, I feel the second is best all the way.

All I have to say is: don't be afraid to put more punctuation, you don't need only one period per stanza. Sometimes a colon and semi colon can really make an idea, other times, several commas can break an idea.

Oh yeah, watch the tense usage of your verbs:

Floats, drifting of the flowers,

Floating, drifting among the meadow.

I assume you mean through as "Floating, drifting of the flowers" doesn't make too much sense. Also, meadow just because it more descriptive than "flower" and it seems that you don't want to rhyme that second stanza, all the better to put meadow.

My last piece of advise is to make the second stanza rhyme, and see how it sounds. If you don't like it, then keep to the original.
Neef
offline
Neef
149 posts
Peasant

A fragrance like none other,
Floats, drifting among the meadow,
It hangs in the air, but doesn't smother,
The Bright and crisp air of the Autumn fellow.

I think that's personification, but I'm not quite sure, And in line 2, It was suppose to be, Floating, drifting off the flowers, The sent supposedly coming off of the flowers.

SupaLegit
offline
SupaLegit
647 posts
Peasant

A fragrance like none other,
Floats, drifting among the meadow,
It hangs in the air, but doesn't smother,
The Bright and crisp air of the Autumn fellow.

Much nicer but don't forget the 'i-n-g' :P

I would rewrite the the third line as:

It looms in the air, [never to] smother.

Experiment with the word choices to go in in the [ ]
Never to is the only thing that came to mind, but I don't have time to think of anything else for I'm a little busy at the moment.
Neef
offline
Neef
149 posts
Peasant

Bugs fly toward
Bright, Pretty light,
drifting closer, and the air
getting warmer,
buzzing slightly,
with electricity,
The last thing though it's head is,
"Crap!"
ZAP!

tegan190
offline
tegan190
790 posts
Peasant

Bugs fly toward
Bright, Pretty light,
drifting closer, and the air
getting warmer,
buzzing slightly,
with electricity,
The last thing though it's head is,
"Crap!"
ZAP!



Hmmm....Lemme guess..Abut flying into a car windowshield?
Neef
offline
Neef
149 posts
Peasant

Here lies a liar
That lied about
The lies he lied
in his lying life.
His gravestone says,
"And That's the Truth."

Neef
offline
Neef
149 posts
Peasant

Hey Pervert,
Stop joking,
And making,
everything,
so **** Akward.

No... No!
Don't take your shirt off!
Leave it on,
Gack! WTH?
What're you doing now?
HOLY COW!


I'll let you people decide what that person's doing.

SupaLegit
offline
SupaLegit
647 posts
Peasant

Hmmm....Lemme guess..Abut flying into a car windowshield?

Um, bug zapper because oft he electricity.

The pervert one was... unusual... That's all I have to say about it...
Neef
offline
Neef
149 posts
Peasant

yes! I have followers!
My one goal on this site was to have regulars. I think I'm awesome now. My life is complete.

Showing 16-30 of 55