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Posted Mar 26, '11 at 6:52pm
TackyCrazyTNT
1,351 posts
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I decided I'd try and post some of my poems on here, since I liked the first line poem thread so much. I would really like some advice on how to improve. Thanks! :)
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Posted Mar 26, '11 at 6:53pm
TackyCrazyTNT
1,351 posts
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War
Grayness clouds the eyes,
of a man fading from life,
Such sorrow and broken hope,
Such horror and strife.
His arm falls limply to his side,
His sword falls from his hand,
This is what war does to us
Death of the memories of man
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Posted Mar 26, '11 at 6:54pm
TackyCrazyTNT
1,351 posts
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Regrets and Sorrow
Drowning in your tears,
That fall sparkling from your eyes,
The sorrow fills the empty room,
And swells towards the skies,
I find myself trying to swim,
But your regrets bog me down,
I'm falling through your broken dreams,
I'm not afraid to drown.
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Posted Mar 26, '11 at 6:55pm
TackyCrazyTNT
1,351 posts
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Sounds
A repetitive noise,
A buzzing beep,
A loudly clanging
herd of sheep,
A bashing, banging
waterfall,
A bouncing, crashing,
falling ball,
A slurping, groaning
choir of hounds,
A howling growling
noise resounds.
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Posted Mar 26, '11 at 6:59pm
TackyCrazyTNT
1,351 posts
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A Life Unseen
I'd like to live a life unseen,
Melting into night,
I'd like to stay in a dream,
Hiding from the light.
Quiet, living in the cracks
of a land unknown,
I'd like to follow Earheart's tracks
And disappear all alone.
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Posted Mar 26, '11 at 8:35pm
LivingToDie
228 posts
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I'd like to follow Earheart's tracks
Loved that line!
Brilliant work TNT, keep it up.
Told ya people would read it.
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Posted Mar 26, '11 at 9:05pm
TackyCrazyTNT
1,351 posts
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Thanks, you guys. :)
Your comments made me very, very happy. :)
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Posted Mar 26, '11 at 9:13pm
jeol
3,341 posts
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"A Life Unseen" is really good!
Just a couple of things...
I'd like to stay within a dream,
and
And disappear () alone.
I think it would make it flow easier. But still, really really good poem.
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Posted Mar 26, '11 at 9:14pm
TackyCrazyTNT
1,351 posts
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I'll try to submit a poem every day. Though that'll probably be pretty darn difficult...
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Posted Mar 26, '11 at 9:15pm
TackyCrazyTNT
1,351 posts
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Thanks, jeol! That does make it flow a lot better. :)
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Posted Mar 27, '11 at 12:01am
SupaLegit
582 posts
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A Life Unseen
I'd like to live a life unseen,
Melting into night,
I'd like to stay in a dream,
Hiding from the light.
Quiet, living in the cracks
of a land unknown,
I'd like to follow Earheart's tracks
And disappear all alone.
This poem was magnificent TNT! Truly amazing.
I do agree with jeol in terms of making it flow better, plus the within just... needs to be there, makes more sense.
The poem has a nice meaning behind it as well.
In "War" the last line could be changed to make it sound better, but it too is remarkable. Oh one tiny mistake capitalize the o in Of ;P
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