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TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,936 posts
Peasant

I decided I'd try and post some of my poems on here, since I liked the first line poem thread so much. I would really like some advice on how to improve. Thanks!

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TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,936 posts
Peasant

War

Grayness clouds the eyes,
of a man fading from life,
Such sorrow and broken hope,
Such horror and strife.
His arm falls limply to his side,
His sword falls from his hand,
This is what war does to us
Death of the memories of man

TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,936 posts
Peasant

Regrets and Sorrow

Drowning in your tears,
That fall sparkling from your eyes,
The sorrow fills the empty room,
And swells towards the skies,
I find myself trying to swim,
But your regrets bog me down,
I'm falling through your broken dreams,
I'm not afraid to drown.

TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,936 posts
Peasant

Sounds

A repetitive noise,
A buzzing beep,
A loudly clanging
herd of sheep,
A bashing, banging
waterfall,
A bouncing, crashing,
falling ball,
A slurping, groaning
choir of hounds,
A howling growling
noise resounds.

TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,936 posts
Peasant

A Life Unseen

I'd like to live a life unseen,
Melting into night,
I'd like to stay in a dream,
Hiding from the light.
Quiet, living in the cracks
of a land unknown,
I'd like to follow Earheart's tracks
And disappear all alone.

LivingToDie
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LivingToDie
303 posts
Nomad

I'd like to follow Earheart's tracks


Loved that line!

Brilliant work TNT, keep it up.
Told ya people would read it.
TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,936 posts
Peasant

Thanks, you guys.
Your comments made me very, very happy.

TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,936 posts
Peasant

I'll try to submit a poem every day. Though that'll probably be pretty darn difficult...

TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,936 posts
Peasant

Thanks, jeol! That does make it flow a lot better.

SupaLegit
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SupaLegit
644 posts
Nomad

A Life Unseen

I'd like to live a life unseen,
Melting into night,
I'd like to stay in a dream,
Hiding from the light.
Quiet, living in the cracks
of a land unknown,
I'd like to follow Earheart's tracks
And disappear all alone.

This poem was magnificent TNT! Truly amazing.
I do agree with jeol in terms of making it flow better, plus the within just... needs to be there, makes more sense.
The poem has a nice meaning behind it as well.

In "War" the last line could be changed to make it sound better, but it too is remarkable. Oh one tiny mistake capitalize the o in Of ;P
master565
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master565
4,107 posts
Nomad

Like everyone's said A Life Unseen is incredible. Also don't try to upload once a day, take your time, quality over quantity.

TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,936 posts
Peasant

My first attempt at a slightly different kind of rhyming...give me feedback please...

Restless Sun

The sun streams restless, between the trees,
Lighting patterns on the roads.

It shines through small holes through the clouds,
Making pastures gently glow.

A single ray of warmth creeps up,
It crawls toward my seat.

I welcome the gift from the sun,
Savor its glowing heat.

master565
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master565
4,107 posts
Nomad

Really mysterious and powerful, i love it

TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,936 posts
Peasant

I intended to write "restless, between" because if I wrote the other one the syllables wouldn't match. D:

TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,936 posts
Peasant

Thanks Star, for the compliments!
And also *<:0)
clown.

TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,936 posts
Peasant

I tried to not rhyme in this one. Tell me how you like it!

Unfortunate Acts

We can never control ourselves,
We do as we please,
Fighting the authority
Because we are bored,
Stealing from the poor
Though we have all we need,
Committing acts
We wish we could take back.
And making mistakes
That haunt our minds forever.

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