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TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,936 posts
Peasant

I decided I'd try and post some of my poems on here, since I liked the first line poem thread so much. I would really like some advice on how to improve. Thanks!

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MoonFairy
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MoonFairy
3,390 posts
Shepherd

I could give you topics!
But they would be difficult.

TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,936 posts
Peasant

I could give you topics!
But they would be difficult.


Like Zombie-Difficult? XD

How about a historic event, like Pompeii?


Intriguing, jeol. You get a Tacky-Prize for coming up with a nice topic.

And thus the Historical Event section of Tacky's poems has begun! I also might post a drawing of my AG self. Though I'm not entirely sure how to scan drawings into a computer. :/
MoonFairy
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MoonFairy
3,390 posts
Shepherd

Like Zombie-Difficult? XD

I just made the theme of the Tanka contest Zombies...
Did you already see that?
If not, freaky. Because I was thinking "Zombies would be difficult"
and then you say that... and then...
Yeah.
TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,936 posts
Peasant

I just made the theme of the Tanka contest Zombies...
Did you already see that?
If not, freaky. Because I was thinking "Zombies would be difficult"
and then you say that... and then...
Yeah.


I read the Tanka thread. XD
Or I'm a mind reader. One or the other.
MoonFairy
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MoonFairy
3,390 posts
Shepherd

I think you are a mind reader.
Annnnyyyyywayyyyyysssss.

Topic?

Tiger Blood

TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,936 posts
Peasant

Charlie Sheen is going insane,
He dreams of winning and being a stud.
There's something off within his brain.

His antics cause his producers pain,
He thinks he has tiger blood,
Charlie Sheen is going insane.

His interviews are quite inane,
He talks of earthworms in the mud,
There's something off within his brain.

He only thinks of his own gain,
He doesn't do what people should,
Charlie Sheen is going insane,
There's something off within his brain.

Sorry, Moon, I couldn't resist. I'll write a more serious one later.

Dragonblaze052
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Dragonblaze052
26,679 posts
Peasant

Ahh... Villanelle is abccbaabccbaa?

TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,936 posts
Peasant

Villanelle form is as follows. I shortened mine, obviously.

Refrain 1 (A1)
Line 2 (b)
Refrain 2 (A2)
Line 4 (a)
Line 5 (b)
Refrain 1 (A1)
Line 7 (a)
Line 8 (b)
Refrain 2 (A2)
Line 10 (a)
Line 11 (b)
Refrain 1 (A1)
Line 13 (a)
Line 14 (b)
Refrain 2 (A2)
Line 16 (a)
Line 17 (b)
Refrain 1 (A1)
Refrain 2 (A2)

Xzeno
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Xzeno
2,301 posts
Nomad

After reading the first page of poems, my first piece of advice is to watch your punctuation. You end many lines with commas when you shouldn't. It disrupts the thought. Otherwise, you seem to be handling your meter well.

Now, let's play a game I like to call "But what does it mean?"

Grayness
From the very first word of the first poem on the first page. That was a long time ago, I guess. So, why'd you choose grayness?
TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,936 posts
Peasant

Sorry about the comma thing; the teachers at my school used to yell at me for NOT using them in my poems. :P
I chose grayness because it was the line given to me in the First Line Poetry thread.

TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,936 posts
Peasant

Pompeii

Choking dust, sordid and gray,
Clog and fill the once blue sky.
A tragedy on this fateful day.

The fleeing Romans are nature's prey
They cannot escape, though they try,
The choking dust, sordid and gray.

The falling rocks are there to stay,
And the scattered dead gently lie,
A tragedy on this fateful day.

A city once great will rot away,
Crushed by nature's falling die,
Choking dust, sordid and gray.

Looking at the dead land of clay,
Those who see cannot deny,
The tragedy on this fateful day.

The souls of the dead have not gone away,
Trapped underneath the burning sky,
Choking dust, sordid and gray,
A tragedy on this fateful day.

My second attempt at a villanelle, but my first attempt at a SERIOUS villanelle. :/

SupaLegit
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SupaLegit
644 posts
Nomad

Well, I'm going to be picky now Tacky, punctuation is starting to ruin it
I'm going to replace all your commas with something more appropriate ;D

Charlie Sheen is going insane.
He dreams of winning and being a stud.
There's something off within his brain.

His antics cause his producers pain,
He thinks he has tiger blood,
Charlie Sheen is going insane.

His interviews are quite inane,
He talks of earthworms in the mud.
There's something off within his brain.

He only thinks of his own gain;
He doesn't do what people should.
Charlie Sheen is going insane,
There's something off within his brain.

I did nothing to the second stanza because it's just off. The tiger blood line does not go with the main idea of that stanza. :l Great line, but it doesn't go with that one. Quite hard to make it fit in thanks to the format, so because of that, superb job.

TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,936 posts
Peasant

Well, I'm going to be picky now Tacky, punctuation is starting to ruin it


Oh, noes.

I did nothing to the second stanza because it's just off. The tiger blood line does not go with the main idea of that stanza. :l Great line, but it doesn't go with that one. Quite hard to make it fit in thanks to the format, so because of that, superb job.


I had to reference tiger blood somewhere and I guess I put it in the wrong place.

Thanks though.
TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,936 posts
Peasant

I'm debating whether or not to draw something and post it on here. I'm not actually very good, but I do doodle a lot. It won't become an every day thing though. Maybe once every two weeks or something.

TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,936 posts
Peasant

Today there is cause for a great celebration,
And through the kingdom of AG there is much jubilation.
We cheer and we shout and we charge right ahead,
Running to the Forums, and flooding the threads.
'For what?' You shall ask 'Is there such great emotion?'
'The millionth user!' We reply with a loud commotion.
Wake up the mods! Gather all in the land!
And til dawn we shall party, until we are banned.

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