ForumsArt, Music, and WritingTackeh's 10,000 Etchings

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TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,938 posts
Shepherd

I decided I'd try and post some of my poems on here, since I liked the first line poem thread so much. I would really like some advice on how to improve. Thanks!

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sasquatchcarrot
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sasquatchcarrot
189 posts
Peasant

uh ya... pretty good, ya.. hmm, ya uhh.. uhh, ya... NEEDS MORE COWBELL!!! or at least have like an audio were a sweet little old grandmamer is reading the poems, still good though. see you later sticky-tack.

VastEvilness
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VastEvilness
34 posts
Peasant

These are pretty decent, Tacky.
The ending on the last one was fine, the flow to it is great!
Stay writing, can't wait to see more from you.

TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,938 posts
Shepherd

Only decent????!?!?!111/1/1//??
Just kidding.
Thanks, for the feedback, VEvil! (That's what I'm going to call you from now on)

And Veggie, I will work on the cowbell. SNL hahaha.

VastEvilness
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VastEvilness
34 posts
Peasant

VEvil! (That's what I'm going to call you from now on)


Alright, that's pretty great, has a nice ring to it.
I'm going to call you Crazy from now on.
TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,938 posts
Shepherd

Nope, sorry, name's Tacky.

VastEvilness
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VastEvilness
34 posts
Peasant

Not for me, your name is Crazy, this is why you call me Evil.

TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,938 posts
Shepherd

Then I'm not responding, because Crazy is not my name.

TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,938 posts
Shepherd

I think I'll make a haiku. Or perhaps a set, depending on my mood.

Waiting

I'm waiting here still,
Breathing in the icy air
Waiting all alone.

jeol
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jeol
3,842 posts
Herald

I haven't had much experience with haikus, but this is pretty good.

TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,938 posts
Shepherd

Thanks, jeol! What do you think of the anger one?

jeol
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jeol
3,842 posts
Herald

It was pretty good! I like how it ended sort of like it was a dream. ()

TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,938 posts
Shepherd

Waiting

It's snowing, all white
I can see my breath, frosted,
The people walking.

I'm waiting here still,
Breathing in the icy air
Waiting all alone.

The bench is like ice,
Chilled under my fingertips,
And the snow still falls.

The snow coats my hair,
Like puffs of powdery clouds...
It's getting so dark.

I'll sit forever,
An unmoving silhouette
Frozen on a bench.

Waiting for you.

jeol
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jeol
3,842 posts
Herald

Wow. Like! (Can't wait for AG3) It's like a series of haikus

SupaLegit
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SupaLegit
647 posts
Peasant

It's like a series of haikus

It is, excluding

Waiting for you.


I think it would have been great to turn that line into Haiku form, making that the last line.
TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,938 posts
Shepherd

How about this?

I'll watch time pass by,
The years and months stretch too long,
Waiting, still, for you.

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