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Haiku Land

Posted Aug 26, '12 at 2:12am

Roger721

Roger721

1,098 posts

Hello y'all!

Now this is my very first attempt at a haiku. I'd like to get comments on it, if possible. Sorry if the syllables limit hasn't been respected.

~thank you Murasaki9 for the invitation to post here ~

Urban Life
I see the buildings appear
They grow fast, non-stop in here
City life, concrete world

_____________

To be honest, I've used a syllable counter to check if the syllables were okay...

 

Posted Aug 26, '12 at 10:53am

Faunbard

Faunbard

662 posts

The meaning is pretty solid, to me the story seems to zone onto somebody who lives in an agricultral community, and then for some unknown reason is brought into a city; only to be disappointed by the whole greyscale blankness of it.
I really doubt anyone else sees it that way, but oh well.

In the first line, the syllable check is off (7 instead of 5), the second line is fine and in the third off by one syllable (6)

Its a good start for a first haiku, alot better than my first.

 

Posted Aug 26, '12 at 5:30pm

Roger721

Roger721

1,098 posts

The meaning is pretty solid, to me the story seems to zone onto somebody who lives in an agricultral community, and then for some unknown reason is brought into a city; only to be disappointed by the whole greyscale blankness of it.
I really doubt anyone else sees it that way, but oh well.


Oh, thanks! That was a great description of the meaning. Even I haven't seen it like that.

In the first line, the syllable check is off (7 instead of 5), the second line is fine and in the third off by one syllable (6)


Oh, I thought it was off. I used a syllable counter to check the words, but I actually thought it was wrong.

Do you have any tips of counting syllables?

Its a good start for a first haiku, alot better than my first.


Oh wow, thank you!

Hm... I'd like if people suggested me themes for the haikus.

And once posts without haikus aren't supposed to be here, lemme see one...

A Happy Day!

Happy birthday man
may happiness always follow
your steps, through all tasks!

_

Inspired by the fact that today is the birthday of a friend of mine.

Comments, please?

Ah, and sorry if the syllable count is wrong again.
 

Posted Aug 26, '12 at 7:05pm

Faunbard

Faunbard

662 posts

Well happy birthday to your friend!
Syllable-wise, its ok, except for the 2nd line, where you have 8 syllables instead of 7.

The cool part about poetry is that it can really be about anything. However, regarding haikus, they tend to focus more on nature. Keep that in mind, and always look around outside for inspiration.
Just a tip, but keep up the good work!

 

Posted Aug 27, '12 at 8:12pm

Faunbard

Faunbard

662 posts

Sry for DP but no one has posted today, so i will!
It was actually last night when i thought of this haiku, im always open to constructive criticism, dont just say 'you suck' 'cuz I already know that!
Pond
A lake in late June;
Its surface reflects the sky
And her azure bliss

(I tried to add some good techniques of writing poetry, like alliteration in the first line, but alas, its hard to fit stuff like that into a haiku because of the limited space.)

 

Posted Aug 29, '12 at 6:08pm

kevin8ye

kevin8ye

584 posts

Something lurks nearby
A dark, sinister presence
It's a guy named Phil

 

Posted Sep 1, '12 at 4:21pm

Darktroop07

Darktroop07

3,828 posts

Sadly it's not me.
since you almost described me.
My name isn't phil.

 

Posted Sep 4, '12 at 7:16pm

murasaki9

murasaki9

1,396 posts

thank you Murasaki9 for the invitation to post here

You're welcome! And welcome to Haiku Land! Thank you for your contribution!

There is but one hope
and that is that this world lives
on and on for now.
 

Posted Sep 6, '12 at 3:01pm

jkl3848

jkl3848

245 posts

What's done has been done.
There is no returning to...
Our wonderful past.

 

Posted Sep 6, '12 at 7:00pm

EmperorPalpatine

EmperorPalpatine

9,477 posts

Do you have any tips of counting syllables?

I'd recommend searching the words on a dictionary site that shows the breaks in pronunciation (like dic-tion-ar-y).

Walking through the woods;
A page! "Don't look... or it take-!"
Slenderman appears.
 
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