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Haiku Land

Posted Apr 21, '11 at 7:27pm

murasaki9

murasaki9

1,344 posts

Thank you, Endscape! Thank you for sharing your Haikus!
Thank you for being so encouraging. When I get a chance,
I'll share more Haikus too!

 

Posted Apr 21, '11 at 7:51pm

murasaki9

murasaki9

1,344 posts

Okay, here are some of my Haikus. Don't laugh. If you think them strange, its because I wrote them for a friend of
mine, in honor of him. These are actually his words, put into the form of Haikus.

Snow
Falling, falling down
white drops of pure beauty
teach us to love.

Rain
Comes to wash us clean
makes the tears and pain run off
fresh for the next day.

Discourse
Thoughts become feelings
words are uttered to explain
the actions that come.

 

Posted Apr 21, '11 at 7:52pm

murasaki9

murasaki9

1,344 posts

Here are several others.

Murasaki-World Peace 03/16/11
Something we strive for
perfection all around
the world we don‵t have

Murasaki-Trees 03/16/11
Tall and hard, green spires
stand rooted, sway in the wind
but still remain proud

Murasaki-Life 03/16/11
Without a Soul gone
is the pure essence of us
for by it, we are

Murasaki-Ciao 03/16/11
Farewell? Goodbye? No.
Greeting. I am your servant
most literally.

Murasaki-Music 03/16/11
Organized sounds, notes
arranged to pass a message
not merely sweet noise.

 

Posted Apr 21, '11 at 9:52pm

SupaLegit

SupaLegit

651 posts

I liked the Snow and Rain ones Murasaki. Kudos to your friend for such meaningful words.

If you didn't copy and paste his works, and actually formatted them, a mild bravo to you too. It is just best to come up with your own ideas. At least you did give your friend credit.

The last 5 weren't as up to par as the first three in my opinion.
Again, enjambment in the middle of the lines was awkward is some scenarios.Try to use say a comma at the end of a line, instead of a middle of a line in a short poem such as a Haiku. You may notice the difference in some instances. Again, sometimes enjambment is needed, but in this case, it throws off the flow of some of the poems.

On Life, I understood your main idea, but the wording was a bit off. Good job, but this may not be best in Haiku format, observe:

Without a Soul,
Gone is the pure
Essence of all.
For by our Soul,
We are who we are.

The reader can grasp the idea better because you can clearly see each point instead of getting confused by a single word.
Or, a comma after Soul would help as weel, for the reader could then see a new point is starting. Oh yeah, also sounds like the thought I had into one of my poems... Sigh which one was it... Good job on the emotion and thought.

World Peace, excellent meaning, I would only say try some punctuation at the end of the lines, see if you like it.
Haiku's don't really need punctuation for the most part, but it helps for the reader's sake. I would place : after for, since you are stating what we strive for.

Trees, the enjambment again. I don't think the comma after hard is needed if you want to keep the line as is.

Ciao, I have a problem with the second line, Greeting then period isn't quite right. Greetings, [with comma] is more appropriate.

Music is good, I like it.

Good job for the most part, keep on working and you will become better, promised!

 

Posted Apr 21, '11 at 10:06pm

Endscape

Endscape

1,144 posts

....... ummm... yes the 1st 3 were good, rather each and everyone of them were good but a few were shy on syllables... look out for that.

Haiku-Title

FIVE SEVEN THEN FIVE
the golden rule of haiku
you must remember

 

Posted Apr 21, '11 at 10:08pm

SupaLegit

SupaLegit

651 posts

Oh wow, such a rush I forgot to even check syllables...

That is biggie indeed; excellent Haiku Endscape! :D lol

 

Posted Apr 21, '11 at 10:09pm

Endscape

Endscape

1,144 posts

...everyone *one* of them were good but a few were shy on syllables... look out for that.

srry for double post.

remember to count your syllables.... but of course pronunciation does play a part in this so.... look out.

 

Posted Apr 22, '11 at 5:26pm

murasaki9

murasaki9

1,344 posts

Thank you Supalegit and Endscape for you encouraging good-to-knows!
And yes, I did reformat my friend's words. No copy and pasting. Anyway, please keep the constructive commenting coming!
Here's a Haiku I did for a video my friend posted on Youtube. It was a tribute to the victims of the Japan Tragedy. He wrote the music. I'm really proud of him. Anyway, here's the link to the video.

[url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=weaWoXIeG_I]

My haiku opens the tribute. Please tell me what you think. And please if you can write a comment on Youtube. And please, if you can, tell anyone you know about it. I'm sorry its been almost a month, but I couldn't do it then. Anyway, since this is in relation to my haikus, I thought I'd give it out and see what people think.

 

Posted Apr 22, '11 at 5:46pm

murasaki9

murasaki9

1,344 posts

Oh, sorry, CommanderDude7, I didn't notice your post in amongst all the others. I just now noticed your haiku. Thank you for it. I think its better than my Haikus, but then, I'm not so good. If you think you're poor, then' I'm terrible. Ha, ha

 

Posted Apr 23, '11 at 7:31pm

CommanderDude7

CommanderDude7

2,408 posts

Oh, sorry, CommanderDude7, I didn't notice your post in amongst all the others. I just now noticed your haiku. Thank you for it. I think its better than my Haikus, but then, I'm not so good. If you think you're poor, then' I'm terrible. Ha, ha

Its fine. I just consider mine poor because I dont make alot. However due to the humorous AG-Kong forum fight I thought to write a new one.
Both sides like to fight
Though in the end neither win
It still makes me lol

 
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