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Jeol: The Resuscitation

Posted Apr 21, '11 at 10:07pm

jeol

jeol

3,565 posts

I need no introduction. Oh, wait, I guess that's a little late. As you may have guessed, this is the infamous Jeol's thread.

So this morning, I was on my way to the co-op I take classes at thinking about my speech, when out of the blue comes a story. About a land named Rhyme. So, in the class I made my speech in after my speech, I started to work on one of my first poems that wasn't inspired by the 'First Line Poetry' thread, a quatrain.

Rhymes of Rhyme - a quatrain.
Once upon a time,
in the land of Rhyme,
rhyming was so prime,
it sparked such a fine time.

There was a man named Pine
in the land of Rhyme
who rhymed so prime,
it made ev'rybody cry.

When the man died,
it made the country dry
for the prime of their rhymes,
and the rhymes lost their shine.

In times since then,
in the land of Rhyme,
rhyming was so bland,
no one ever rhymed again.

Yes, the non-rhyming of the last stanza was intentional. Yes.

I will post other creations and whatnot in the future.

 

Posted Apr 21, '11 at 10:17pm

SupaLegit

SupaLegit

651 posts

Hmm... A little on the silly side, and there isn't really a big emotion in my opinion. The poem did not really hook my attention in some way, shape, or form. I read it because I must, because you are a fellow user who wants to write, just like us.

I'd love to see you future works, and I hope you do make a more serious poem. :)

Oh, one more thing, you 8used the same words for the rhyming, which got repetitive. Try using different words when rhyming, unless you were trying to create structure... Like ending every line in ______.

 

Posted Apr 21, '11 at 10:20pm

OperationNilo

OperationNilo

2,044 posts

For some reason the rhyming made me laugh. Good rhyming, nice story, the only thing I didn't like is that the last verse or whatever its called didn't rhyme unlike the rest of the poem. Overall, it is a nice poem and I hope more come in the future.

 

Posted Apr 21, '11 at 10:20pm

Patrick2011

Patrick2011

3,395 posts

A little on the silly side

I didn't see jeol's poem as silly.

 

Posted Apr 21, '11 at 10:30pm

SupaLegit

SupaLegit

651 posts

I didn't see jeol's poem as silly.

Then maybe I'm just missing the extended metaphor because I'm writing-tired. It appears as though it will be on the funny side to some other users, as Nilo has said he laughed over the rhyming... Which in my book makes it funny?

Patrick, you could also help jeol out by giving more criticism then disagreeing with a single of my perspectives.

My question is: was it meant to be written in extended metaphor? If so, then yes, I do see a thought.

 

Posted Apr 21, '11 at 10:31pm

jeol

jeol

3,565 posts

I'd love to see you future works, and I hope you do make a more serious poem. :)

Oh. Thanks, I guess. I will try my hardest to write more serious ones in the future. I think the somewhat silly nature of my poems runs in the family.

Oh, one more thing, you 8used the same words for the rhyming, which got repetitive. Try using different words when rhyming, unless you were trying to create structure... Like ending every line in ______.

Well, it was hard to find words that rhymed with 'Rhyme' while I had no resources at hand. Although, I think I almost tried for the emphasis with 'rhyme' and 'prime,' especially with Pine's excellent rhyming. Uhoh. Now my normal writing is starting to rhyme. :/

For some reason the rhyming made me laugh. Good rhyming, nice story, the only thing I didn't like is that the last verse or whatever its called didn't rhyme unlike the rest of the poem. Overall, it is a nice poem and I hope more come in the future.

Why, thank you.

extended metaphor?

Hmm... I don't exactly know what you're talking about. I just write how it flows for me.

To keep you all waiting, I am going to post a haiku I wrote when I got excited about my poem.

The Forest - a Haiku.
Branches of a tree;
trees of a mighty forest;
forests of our world.

 

Posted Apr 21, '11 at 10:34pm

TackyCrazyTNT

TackyCrazyTNT

1,627 posts

Awwwww I think it's cute. :)
And sad, of course, but the main adjective that comes to mind is cute.
It's a really nice idea, but one or two of the lines didn't rhyme or the lines didn't fit so it was a bit choppy.
I can't wait to see more of your poems! :D

 

Posted Apr 21, '11 at 10:36pm

jeol

jeol

3,565 posts

If you all are wondering why I didn't rhyme the last stanza, Pine died and the country used rhymes no more. I thought it would fit.

 

Posted Apr 21, '11 at 10:39pm

SupaLegit

SupaLegit

651 posts

Oh. Thanks, I guess.

Ah, don't be sad :(

while I had no resources at hand

Try This Awesome Multi-Tooled Site

Hmm... I don't exactly know what you're talking about. I just write how it flows for me.

Extended metaphor, simply put, is when you write part or your whole poem in a metaphor. This metaphor stands for some thing deeper, like in "O Captain, My Captain".

For example, you could write about a medieval battle, where the battle is someone's struggles, the heroes are his good things in life while the foes are his problems.

I did enjoy your Haiku jeol, very nice indeed. I love how you started little and went to the whole picture.

 

Posted Apr 22, '11 at 7:30am

jeol

jeol

3,565 posts

Try This Awesome Multi-Tooled Site

I didn't have any computers, either. That' wouldn't have helped. But thanks for the resource if I need it, I will be sure to use it at some point.

For example, you could write about a medieval battle, where the battle is someone's struggles, the heroes are his good things in life while the foes are his problems.

Okay, thanks for letting me know that. No, the quatrain wasn't an extended metaphor.

 
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